Marvel Fans Couldn't Wait to Yell at a 9-Year-Old Reviewer Because the Internet Is Just The Worst

By Vivian Kane | Miscellaneous | May 6, 2015 |

Have you heard the theory that pop culture peaks for any given person at the age of nine? I have trouble arguing against that idea, since The Fugitive and Jurassic Park both came out when I was nine, and those are my number one and number three favorite movies, respectively.* Over at Esquire, they decided to run with this theory by hiring a nine-year-old boy to review The Avengers for them. But while young boys may be the main target demographic for a super hero movie, this kid was not impressed.

If you like movies about robots who make jokes, or movies about girls singing lullabyes to the Hulk, or movies about cities that float into the air for no reason, Age of Ultron will be right up your alley. It was not up my alley.

First off, we need this kid on the Pajiba staff immediately. The kid goes on to say that while he really liked the first Avengers, this one seemed to go totally off the rails. He liked the first scene (so much swearing!), and after that, there were too many new characters, and he didn’t understand why anyone was doing anything. Also, “They had a lot of the same jokes repeating each other.” Burn. But his biggest problem with the movie was Thor.

My point of view is that Thor ruins the Avengers. It doesn’t make sense. If you had Thor, why would you bring Black Widow? Why would you bring Green Arrow [ed. note: he means Hawkeye]? What’s this woman with a gun going to do? Why’s this guy shooting arrows? They have a god with them who cannot die. A guy who is good at shooting arrows or a girl who is good at shooting guns wouldn’t make a particle of difference.
And by the way one of the characters, Quicksilver, he shouldn’t be in the Avengers. He’s actually a part of the X-Men.

Okay, we can all agree that this is adorable, right. Maybe not as adorable as when Dustin forces his son to review things, because nothing in the history of anything is as cute as that, but still adorable. Well remember, this is the internet and that means one person’s treasure is another person’s toilet, one upon which they just cannot resist shitting.

I wish I were more surprised by how quick so many people were to yell at a nine-year-old for being SO WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. (Click comments for embiggened rants.)

It actually surprises me more that EIGHTY FOUR OTHER ASSHATS CLICKED “LIKE” FOR THAT COMMENT. Of course, even more popular than telling a child he’s wrong is to tell everyone why YOU’RE right.

And if we’re playing irritating review comment Bingo, this one hits both “missed the point” and the “if you hate it so much, why are you even talking about it” idea.

Well done, internet. You’ve surpassed your asshole expectations for the week.