6:54 - I just got home from a baby shower and am full of cake and the joy of an empty womb and am ready to start this shit.
6:57 - I am being joined for this liveblog by my good friend Les Jamelles Pinot Noir. This no doubt ends in a great deal of Caps Lock and copious use of the word “totes.” Prepare ye.
6:58 - The Run Lola Run commercial music tells me it’s almost time for the show to start. Also, Carson Daly is happening. Apparently this was NBC’s penance for pushing him to 2am.
6:59 - I’m not sure why Brad and Angelina are even there. Angelina’s a relatively smart cookie. She HAS to know she was only nominated in an effort to make her show up.
7:00 - Is anyone else’s cable feed cutting out like it’s running on DSL?
7:01 - First Charlie Sheen joke of the night. In the hands of anyone else, the one-liner would have been it. Not our Ricky.
7:02 - See, that’s why I love Ricky Gervais. He’s making jokes about The Tourist, including the one I just made. The camera has not cut to Angelina yet. Her angry eyes would break the lens. Such is her powers.
7:03 - OH SHIT. Not only will Ricky be brutally gunned down by the Cult of Brangelina, but the Co$ is coming after him ASAP. Operation: Form Human Shield Around Ricky To Protect Him From Cruise and Travolta’s Hairpiece to commence at once.
7:05 - Under the protection of this comment getting lost in the thousands to follow and under the influence of alcohol, I’ll say it: I loved the Lost finale. So shuffle a deck of dicks, hataz.
7:06 - MY GOD, JESUS IS THERE. And he’s nominated for The Fighter!
7:06 - Geoffrey Rush = Ausler Slugworth.
7:07 - Jesus wins! Scientology loses yet another point this evening.
7:09 - I had Bale’s haircut when I was in 8th grade. It didn’t look as pretty on me.
7:09 - Did he just go on an expletive-filled tirade or did my cable cut out again? Fucking Comcast.
7:10 - Elisabeth Moss is wearing menorrah earrings.
7:12 - Katey Segal is awesome. Sorry. My Chinese food came.
7:13 - I would love to see the sheet the orchestra gets telling them who to cut off and when. “Bale gets three minutes. Katey gets a minute, ten seconds TOPS.”
7:15 - During this commercial break, I would like to take this opportunity to celebrate my co-host, Les Jamelles Pinor Noir. It has notes of wine with winey hints and the tannins are quite winelike.
7:16 - Jesus. I didn’t watch the red carpet, but I’ll take an early vote and say Worst Dress: Julianne Moore.
7:18 - I didn’t see Carlos but yay for it. You Don’t Know Jack was my favorite, as well as my pick for favorite trivia-based CD-ROM of the whole late ’90s.
7:21 - You know, I wouldn’t pay attention to the music either. What would they do if you just kept going? Would you be forcibly taken down by armed guards or Joe Montegna?
7:22 - I love Bruce Willis for the slew of Kutcher jokes he’s taken over the years. I love him less for Hudson Hawk.
7:23 - Holy vagina, I’m pretty sure I just saw Leighton’s little Meester.
7:24 - David Strathairn is very high on my Boneable Older Men list.
7:25 - OH. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF. LEA MICHELE.
7:26 - Thunderstealing twat, you can’t just let the guy win? You have to lapse into a fit of the vapors right in front of the camera?
7:30 - Michelle Pfeiffer: hot as ever. Question: is she still working at all? No, really, I’m asking.
7:31 - Eva Longoria almost bites it, making it the first time I’ve ever showed any interest in anything Eva Longoria has ever done.
7:32 - When I get super old, I am dying my hair crazy ginger, too. That’s fancy.
7:33 - Yes, Mr. HFPA Man, this year’s nominees are sure to join the pantheon of other classics. Years from now, who won’t shed a tear as they study The Tourist and The Client List in film school?
7:34 - This comment sponsored by my friend Les Jamelles: Is it just me, or is Steve Buscemi actually getting attractive?
7:35 - Really? Buscemi’s first nomination was Ghost World? I would have thought it was long prior.
7:37 - Boardwalk Empire takes it for drama, but it was a good year for drama; I would have been fine with anyone.
7:39 - Okay, am I the only one who had no clue Mark Wahlberg had anything to do with Boardwalk? I thought he got confused and thought Entourage won.
7:39 - Anyone seen Dougie Payne? I love Kelly Macdonald, but lord do I love her husband more. See Travis live. That man is pure sex on a bass guitar and he knows it.
7:43 - Story time: Andrew Garfield looks EXACTLY like a guy I dated a few years back who ended up stalking me a little bit. So he freaks me out because every time I see him I am CONVINCED he’s going to attempt to trick his way into my apartment and skip work for a week while loudly playing Feist in his apartment so I’ll hear it because I happen to be into that album during this time period.
7:45 - Jennifer Lopez is wearing a sheer poncho. No, Alec, she doesn’t look beautiful.
7:46 - Yep, Hennifer, it is awkward that you judge singing performances now, what with how you used to be actually famous.
7:47 - No, Hennifer was not a typo. Years later, I still say “I am Henniferrrr Lopayez. I like to eat tacos and burritos” every time I see her.
7:48 - I am not normally one to comment on the weight gains of celebrities, because I am against it, but at what point did Christina Aguilera eat her own career?
7:50 - TSN had a great score, but I was really excited for some “BRRRAAAAAHHHHMMM.”
7:54 - Good news, everyone. Anthropologie got my sweater and is sending it in a small because the medium was too big. (My email’s open to see your comments and this one got lost in the shuffle)
7:55 - I don’t usually review, but I actually call dibs on Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Is that weird? That’s probably weird. Give it to Prisco.
7:56 - Did they not let Mandy Moore sing in Tangled? Isn’t that why you cast a singer?
7:57 - Fun Fact: Zach Levi wasn’t allowed to sing in Tangled because it would have caused spontaneous vagina combustion. So I thank them for that.
7:58 - I bought TS3 on BluRay and have been too scared to watch it again because of all the tears. SO MANY TEARS.
7:59 - RDJ - #1 on my list of “Celebrities I Would Allow To Rip Me Open Like an Envelope.”
7:59 - Shit, my dad’s going to read this. DAD, AVERT YOUR EYES.
8:02 - God, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I was not that into The Kids Are Alright. LESBIANS DON’T HAVE SEX WITH MEN. Even if those men are Mark Ruffalo. It was a well-done, fantastically acted film, but I’d like a movie about lesbians that was critically acclaimed and financially viable that didn’t involve one of them getting a deep dicking.
8:03 - But I’m always that into Annette Benning. Suck it, Hilary Swank, you can’t take it away from her this year.
8:09 - COMMERCIAL SIGN! When your only good reviews are from OK! and Life & Style Magazine, your show sucks. Sorry, The Cape.
8:11 - Geoffrey Rush. Seriously. He’s Slugworth. HE’S SLUGWORTH.
8:12 - Pacino and Annette Benning always have the same hairstyle at these events.
8:13 - Al Pacino: Ian McShane with the color contrast increased.
8:14 - I’m amazed that Bowie has kept up this “Tilda Swinton” thing for this long. It’s really impressive. Garth Brooks only wishes he had that commitment to a character.
8:15 - Tilda’s overenunciation actually decreased when she said Jennifer Love Hewitt’s name. That’s because that’s her version of hatespeak.
8:17 - I love Temple and her fancy Western dress she wears to award shows.
8:17 - JLH looks sad. God love her, she really thought she had a shot. Angela Chase > Sarah Marin any day.
8:23 - I appreciate the Golden Globes using the exact same musical cues every single year.
8:23 - Efron’s haircut makes him look decidedly less elfin and thereby less pretty.
8:24 - When I say “pretty” I mean in that creepy way that no one over the age of 12 can appreciate, except for middle-aged Twihards.
8:26 - I call for an experiment: next year, I want Ricky Gervais to host and for them to only use three presenters: RDJ, Tina and Steve Carell. And it will be awesome and magical.
8:27 - Has Sorkin always looked like the victim of a shipwreck?
8:29 - Is Thor super tall, or is Chris Evans but three apples high?
8:29 - My God, Julia Stiles IS a good actress. She just acted her way into looking like a middle aged Latina woman.
8:31 - Sandy B., the bangs are weird. I don’t approve.
8:34 - I SPILLED THE LES JAMELLES! SURVIVE, MY FRIEND, SURVAHV!
8:36 - Why is Robert Pattinson’s hair ALWAYS batballs ridiculous?
8:37 - Oh, I am so sorry foreign lady, but Olivia Wilde’s dress is hiding several dancing midgets, so I’m pretty distracted by that.
8:38 - What the fuck is Seacrest doing there? Did he buy the Golden Globes, too?
8:41 - Did someone just boo Lea Michele? I love that person.
8:43 - That Chrysler commercial was really cool, but I definitely thought it was a perfume ad and was disappointed that it was for cars.
8:44 - There’s nothing about No Strings Attached that doesn’t anger me. Natalie and Mindy Kaling, WHY?
8:47 - I’m throwing down my support for the story of the girl with her mother in her chest and a photo of a dead girl’s heart in her suitcase.
8:48 - See, when Kaley Cuoco does it, it’s precious. When Lea Michele does it, I want to stab her with her own shoe. Also, BRYCE LARKIN.
8:50 - Jeremy Irons has consumed twelve bottles of scotch tonight. Minimum.
8:51 - THE GOLDEN DROBE! God dammit I love drunk people on award shows.
8:53 - Hey, Helena Bonham Carter, since you didn’t win, can you bring your hair over here and help me clean the wine off the carpet? It looks absorbent.
8:58 - Yes, coveredinbees, I LOVE Chuck. It brings me joy and rapture.
8:59 - Matty Damon can join Tina, Steve and RDJ’s banter party.
9:04 - Diddy, Zac Efron and Eva Longoria at a table? I wonder what they’re talking about. Chess? Probably chess.
9:09 - Okay, so I got a phone call and missed THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. Ugh. YouTubing that tomorrow.
9:13 - Megan Fox is attempting to one-up Leighton Meester for number of times I’m totally almost seeing her vaheen.
9:15 - Tom Hooper IS young James Cameron in the role of a lifetime.
9:16 - Somewhere, Justin Timberlake is telling people he’s personally responsible for making TSN good.
9:17 - Speaking of drinking and having a good time, it’s everyone’s favorite drunk driver and Food Network chef affair-haver, January Jones! And WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING. And WHY DOES SHE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ANGELA KINSEY?
9:19 - WATCH LEA MICHELE EDGE HER WAY ON CAMERA. I love it. She’s such a twunt.
9:20 - COMMERCIAL SIGN - Olivia Munn can act about as well as… I’m literally looking around my living room and can’t find a single thing to joke about being as bad an actor as Olivia Munn.
9:23 - I’m not over Glee because I was never under it. I will not be pandered to just because I was a theater kid.
9:24 - Aronofsky’s ‘stache is giving me a decidedly Jason Lee-ian vibe.
9:25 - Johnny Depp is literally the first person I have EVER seen eat at an award show.
9:26 - Hey, you guys, where did Ricky go? Did Christina Aguilera eat him?
9:27 - That was mean. I’m supposed to be above fat jokes. Did Helana Bonham Carter’s hair eat him? THERE. I fixed it.
9:28 - They just showed Emma Stone and Mila Kunis jumping up and down and giggling together. They’re having an adorable-off and we all win.
9:32 - Oh my, JGL is here to seduce me. Weird. Well, I’m covered in wine stains and bits of Mongolian beef, but SURE Joe, take me.
9:33 - If you don’t follow me on Facebook, Jeff Bridges is reminding me of the awesomeness of playing Trivial Pursuit with my mom this weekend:
Question: In The Big Lebowski, what item really tied the room together?
My mom: String?
9:34 - Aw, Natalie wins and she’s full of babies. Apparently she admitted her pregnancy six months in. It’s nice to see her with armpit folds after seeing her made of bones and crazy.
9:37 - HE LIVES. Theories: he was getting yelled at by NBC, hiding from the white van of Scientologists, or Paul Giamatti tried to drink him.
9:42 - When Gosling and JGL are in the same room, vaginas have been known to burst into flames. #science
9:45 - I hate Guy Fieri because on what planet is Fieri pronounced Fee-eddy?
9:46 - See, stupid bangs or not, even Ricky can’t insult Sandy B. She’s just that awesome.
9:47 - Colin Firth wins. In a related story, my ladyparts are having the best night ever.
9:49 - I wonder if Harvey Weinstein has casting couched Colin Firth. Because I would.
9:50 - A SURPRISE GUEST? God I love surprises. I hope it’s James Franco’s performance art piece.
9:54 - Michael Douglas. Not really a surprise guest. I mean, it’s awesome, I’m so stoked he’s doing well and kicking cancer’s ass and being all Michael Douglassy, but not REALLY surprising what with him having been there all night and being nominated and stuff.
9:55 - What I’m annoyed by is voiceover man, not Michael Douglas. Don’t use the cancer patient and call him a surprise guest like he’s a birthday present to entice viewers to return.
9:58 - “Thank you to God. For making me an athiest.” OH RICKY.
9:59 - Well people this has been a night of wonder and awe and January Jones’s taters being strapped down with red silk like a formal version of Christina Ricci in Now & Then. I’m glad you were all here to share it with me and comment and pick up my slack and be excellent. I LOVE YOU LIKE BALE, ALL OF YOU. Goodnight, bitches, and let’s do this again Oscar-time.