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Liveblogging the 2013 Golden Globes

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | January 13, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | January 13, 2013 |

10:02 - Well on that note of uncertainty, this has been fun, people! Thanks for Globing with me, and godspeed to Amy and Tina who most assuredly were blackballs drunk by about an hour ago, hence how they never appeared after. Good night!

10:00 - So, wait, weird question to save for the end, but, why was Diddy there again? I thought it would be explained at some point.

09:58 - Sometimes the Globes are a predictor. In this case, I don’t know. Does anyone else kind of feel like it’s a harbinger of Argo getting shut out?

09:57 - All Julia Roberts did was name the category and she STILL managed to make it the AREN’T I GREAT show?

09:50 - I have no snark here because I mean obviously.

09:49 - I have no snark here. Chick EARNED that award. Her hair still looks like Worf.

09:47 - I’m glad Naomi Watts and Cotton Weary are still making it work. I like them.

09:41 - Can we at long last call for the official separation of musical and comedy? It is stupid nonsense that Les Mis is in the same category as comedies. Musicals are not Debbie Reynolds triple-lindying into our hearts anymore. Put them in drama if they’re drama, comedy if they’re comedy.

09:39 - Joaquin Phoenix’s look tonight is apparently “skinny Josh Gad.”

09:31 - The variety of pronunciations of “Les Miserables” is slaying me tonight.

09:28 - I wish “Smash” was better. The added Cousin Oliver presence of Jennifer Hudson doesn’t bode well for that. But I’ll take it until the network just accepts my pitch of a show where Jack Davenport has sex with me already.

09:24 - Can we take a quick minute and discuss how I’m like the only person who likes Marnie? I love Marnie. I don’t get why people don’t like her. Is it because she’s the adult one who understands responsibility and so hipster dreambags don’t like her?

09:22 - I’m so mindblown about “Smash“‘s inclusion. A great pilot does not an award-winner make.

09:20 - On a related note, guys, what happened to Diane Lane? Did someone set her on top of the car and drive off?

09:20 - Hey Josh Brolin, ya Drunky Brewster, you.

09:17 - I read that people were hugging Ben Affleck at the Critics’ Choice Awards after the Oscar noms were announced and consoling him like he’d just lost a parent. And, like, yeah, disappointing. But…I mean, I’ve been passed over for promotions and awards and no one’s acting like it’s a damn travesty. He’ll be okay.

09:17 - Halle Berry’s dress and hair sitch is basically the worst thing I’ve ever seen since Jessica Chastain’s dress and hair sitch.

09:07 - Jodie Foster’s sons are some Children of the damn Corn. I’m sure they’re sweet boys, but every time the camera cuts to them I jump.

09:05 - Yes, I ignored Jodie’s whole montage to tell you all my tenuous connection to a national news story. I DO WHAT I WANT.

09:03 - “St. Aloysius? That’s vaguely familiar. I may have heard of it in the news recently.” Yeah. You did. This story, specifically. That’s my grade school. And he officiated my wedding. His phone went off twice during the ceremony and only me and John could hear it and it was awesome. He was such an awkward person and I am torn between feeling SO bad for him, and feeling all “That’s what you get, Church, SO SUCK IT.” It’s conflicting. Deeply so.

09:02 - Yeah. Jodie Foster’s won a lot of awards. I won the St. Aloysius school spelling bee in 1998. DID SHE? I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO.

09:00 - RDJ is stunningly beautiful, BUT BACK TO TINA’S TAYLOR SWIFT JOKE. I DIE.


08:58 - OKAY, them losing is for the best. BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST.

08:56 - Oh, you guys, do not get me wrong. Amy deserved it in the biggest way. But if it couldn’t be her, I’m glad it was Lena. If it can’t be Amy, I like that it’s someone who probably developed her comedy brain watching Amy.

08:52 - I KNOW “Girls” IS A BIG CONTRO AROUND HERE. But I love it. Love with every cell in my art school grad body (yes, I majored in Advertising BUT STILL). I’m happy for Lena. And not just because I imagine us being best friends and visiting bakeries together.

08:51 - Clooney/Poehler. I SHIP IT.

08:49 - Sorry, I’m not ignoring the show, we had a quick shoot-antibiotics-down-baby’s-throat break. I don’t like those breaks as much as I like wine breaks. LIVEBLOGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.

08:46 - Sacha Baron Cohen just sounded exactly like Charlie Bucket’s teacher in Willy Wonka, and, aw, everyone was too nice to laugh at the Anne Hathaway upskirt joke except Anne who was too nice not to.

08:44 - Voiceover guy just said Les Miserables in the semi-proper pronunciation and it kind of sounded like “les miser-Rob Lowe” which gives me amazing ideas for my next feature script.

08:40 - Oh, hey, Matt, Savannah and the Today peeps get to stay for the party apparently. I thought they’d get kicked out at showtime.

08:38 - You were up there at fifteen, Claire. And you looked beautiful. You might say you were so beautiful that it hurts to look at you. *leans against locker*

08:37 - Do you know how much I loathe Lea Michele? I didn’t even notice Nathan Fillion. That’s how much I loathe her.

08:37 - UGH. OTHER NEMESIS. And bitch looks straight up fifty shades of Boehner.

08:34 - Kon Tiki does the sloppy sw—okay, I’ll stop.

08:27 - REALLY? I mean, love Don Cheadle, but really? “House of Lies?” Really?

08:26 - Ugh. I forgot this was nominated and probably should have waited to rant about it. HOLD UP. Will copy and paste.

08:03 - I’m really glad Salmon Fishing in the Yemen isn’t getting tons of nods, because it pissed me off. It would have been fine if they’d left out the TOTALLY tacked on love story. “Oh, yes, I’m all of the sudden in love with her with absolutely no build up.” Beat. Beat. “Oh, yeah, totes, in love with him, too. Have been the whole time. Yep.”

08:25 - I looked down and stopped paying attention, then looked back up and Tarantino is saying “you don’t know how important you are to my process.” Is dude talking about feet again?

08:23 - Okay. I’m about to court the Twihards for a quick minute. But. Pattinson is drunk at literally EVERY awards show. I will not be shocked if at some point, some badness news comes out. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

08:23 - Remember a few years back when we all had that “wait…that’s how you say Bon Iver?” moment with Amanda Seyfried? Yeah. I still get it every time I hear it.

08:17 - Princess Mia. NEVER FORGET.

08:15 - How hard do we think Anne Hathaway has been trying to get pregnant to lock this thing up? If she announced she was pregnant just before the the Oscar voting deadline, I will be the opposite of shocked.

08:15 - Look, Courteney Cox’s current face doesn’t work on Courteney Cox. It damn sure doesn’t work on Megan Fox.

08:13 - GOOD. I’m goddamn sick of Eric Stonestreet winning shit. The gays are < jazz hands > hilarious < /jazzhands >. WE GET IT.

08:11 - Oh, and for good measure, LICK YOUR SCREENS WITH ADORATION.


08:09 - You know what I love most about J. Law? She gives none of the fucks. She does what she wants, she says what she wants. And if it’s an act, it’s a damn good one. I buy it. And I buy NOTHING.

08:07 - I like to think Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone talk on the phone sometimes and every phone call one if them is like “UGH, Taylor’s calling” and the other’s all “UGH, don’t answer.”

08:06 - I legitimately just choked on a pretzel at Taylor Swift standing up like they’re the bestest friends. She is the toppest notchest hanger onner of talented young actresses.

08:03 - I’m really glad Salmon Fishing in the Yemen isn’t getting tons of nods, because it pissed me off. It would have been fine if they’d left out the TOTALLY tacked on love story. “Oh, yes, I’m all of the sudden in love with her with absolutely no build up.” Beat. Beat. “Oh, yeah, totes, in love with him, too. Have been the whole time. Yep.”

08:02 - STOP THE ADORABLE HILARITY. Jennifer Lopez brought Casper Smart. The less-mattering K. Fed is in. the. house.

08:01 - “Bill Rodham Clinton!” Why can’t I be their best friend? You guys. I don’t ask for much in this world. I long for so little.

08:00 - I loved Lincoln, and, mark my words, when I’m a delirious old woman, I will wear Tommy Lee Jones’s wig and pretend like I think I look damn good.

07:58 - BILL! SUP BOO! Bill can totally join my MTV-video-‘90’s-Golden Globes panel next year.

07:57 - Let’s be 100% real here. Kevin Costner wouldn’t be doing SHIT right now if Whitney Houston hadn’t died and people actually remembered who he was because he spoke at her funeral. Her death=the best thing that ever happened to him. FOR REALZ.

07:56 - I am living for the fake actor nominees. LIVING.

07:55 - Jessica Alba? That’s what I love about the Golden Globes. They let the common peasant folk in, and laugh at them while sipping champers. “Ha, Jessica Alba. HOW DROLL.”

07:51 - Let’s take a moment and talk about Taylor Swift (my mortal enemy) mean mugging Adele for winning. TRICK. YOU WISH. Sorry your latest beardage recipient’s contract ran out and you’re single for five minutes until your agent signs the next deal, but bitch YOU WISH. Adele scoffs at you, all “OI, TAY-LAW. NOICE TROY, MAY-ATE.”

07:49 - Adele is like “well, yeah, fuckin’ a I won; save for that Hunger Games song, every other song is on some shitty mix your dad has in his pickup.”

07:48 - Did you people HEAR that Act of Valor song? That was some it’s-the-’90s-and-I’m-laying-in-the-tanning-bed-and-can’t-change-the-radio-station shit.

07:46 - *shakes head no at own terrible joke*

07:46 - Yoshiki does the sloppy swish.

07:44 - Did anyone like Life of Pi? I’m genuinely asking. I haven’t met anyone who actually liked it. People thought it was beautiful and well made, but no one I know actually liked it.

07:44 - Jennifer Lopez is doing Statham movies now? Oh honey.

07:43 - Aw, bless little real life Argo man. They didn’t teach microphone use in the agency.

07:42 - I want to be in the CIA. HEY, CIA. Where do I send my resume? Does this kind of shit count as experience?

07:37 - Daughter’s clapping for “Homeland.” Kids love terrorism.

07:35 - Remember in the late ’90s when they did the worst videos ever special on MTV and had Jon Stewart, Janeane Garafalo and other awesomes MST-ing bad videos? That’s how they should do the next Golden Globes, only with Tina, Amy, Paul Rudd and maybe we throw RDJ in there.

07:35 - What just happened? Did I have a stroke?

07:32 - OH HEY THAT REMINDS ME. Go see Zero Dark Thirty again, and watch the scenes in which Jessica Chastain is shot through a sun glarey windshield and TELL ME she doesn’t look exactly like Steve Buscemi. And I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. Because I would with Steve Buscemi, and I’m not sorry about it.


07:30 - Rosario Dawson is the most beautiful creature on the planet. Her dress, on the other hand, is what happens when I start cutting construction paper and things go all wrong so I set it aside. And apparently, she saw it set aside and decided “oh, that should be the neckline of my dress.”

07:30 - This lady is not that lady. She is baller. DELTA TWILIGHT. CALL ME MAYBE, BRADLEY COOPER. I love her.

07:28 - The HFPA president looks exactly like the “Small Town Security” chick. The one who pissed herself. I don’t know. I don’t watch the show. I just know what I see on “The Soup.”

07:26 - FYI, my daughter is trying to walk. I’m ignoring her. FOR YOU PEOPLE.

07:23 - Seriously, I’m embarrassed for her. The fuck was that. Don’t be Lea Michele, Cathy Zetels.

07:23 - That was straight up NOT the tune to that song, CZJ.


07:19 - Danny Strong didn’t talk? But I’ve had this gif cued up for weeks!


07:17 - A) I love that no one shut up for Eva Longoria, but loathe that no one shut up for Don Cheadle; B) DAMN, Michael J. Fox’s son looks exactly like a porcelain version of his dad.

07:16 - This commercial just reminded me that, after a slow start, I now adore “The New Normal.” Apparently they learned the lesson it took “American Horror Story” half a season to learn, and that is get Ryan Murphy the hell out of the writer’s room.”

07:14 - So, let’s take a quick commercial break moment to discuss what we’re wining tonight. I’m wining some manner of Pinot Noir I grabbed in a hurry at the grocery store because it was cold and I was hungry. I think it’s called Pitch Black. Or Fever Pitch. Or Tent Pitchers. I don’t know. It’s got Pitch in the name. It’s okay.

07:12 - Y’all saw Game Change, right? I adore Sarah Paulson, adore. But she was in that movie for, like, ten minutes. And she was totally Standard Sarah Paulson in it. So I don’t really get all the accolades.

07:11 - Cristoph Waltz is the preciousest terrifying Nazi (yes, in my mind it’s still Inglorious Basterds times) ever.

07:09 - Anyone else think they only still invite Kate Hudson to these as a form of reverse punitiveism? (that wasn’t a word) Like, to make her want to give up her life of awful and be like these people in this room again?

07:07 - My husband just asked me if Jodie Foster is married to Mel Gibson. See, you need different strengths in a relationship, you guys.

07:05 - Guys, I have not laughed at the opening of an awards show in…I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at the opening of an awards show. Ever. AMY AND TINA ARE FLAWLESS INDIVIDUALS.

07:04 - Tell me Ben didn’t have seven and a half vials of Botox injected directly into his hairline, and I will call you a lying liarface.

07:03 - I love that everyone laughed so gleefully at that James Cameron crack. Everyone there is like “yep, Cameron IS FUCKING BANANAPANTS.”

07:02 - Hey, when does Lindsay Lohan get her Best Actress award for “Liz & Dick” like she so deserves?

07:01 - What looks more beautiful? Amy and Tina’s combined glory, or Bill Murray’s facial hair?

06:57 - Oh, it’s on-con? It’s on-con like Donkey Kong-con.

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