By Michael Murray & Replica | Miscellaneous | February 11, 2011 |
By Michael Murray & Replica | Miscellaneous | February 11, 2011 |
ASK MICHAEL: He has a PHD in real life
As I am very smart (an IQ of 103) and very wise (I watched a Richard Gere narrated documentary on Buddhism) people are always asking me for advice. It comes with the territory and I’m always happy to provide whatever assistance I can.
Michael Murray — can you help me out here?
I’ve just left my partner of 13 years and am feeling kind of lost and fragile. Not that I am unhappy or second-thinking things — I’m content with how it resolved — but my ego is a little shaky and I have no idea what the future holds.
I just turned 38, have two kids and am looking for a job I can be proud of. Right now is just a really stressful time and I’m afraid there aren’t too many laughs to be found in my world as it is.
Can you change that?
I’d really like to meet a fun guy who could maybe cheer me up when I get down. Somebody who looks nice enough, has his own life and interests, is relatively healthy and maybe has a talent of some sort? That would be nice. But I HATE dating and even the idea of dating sites turns my stomach— it seems so cold and callous! I don’t know, maybe I need to relax and do what everyone else seems to be doing. What could really go wrong? My ego gets hurt?
You were right to come to me.
I can help you, no matter how desperate your situation.
This is what I look like.
This is what my lady looks like.
I have gifts, gifts that I am willing to share with you.
Although it’s true that I do have an intriguing voice and lovely hands, it usually takes more than that to find a partner in this world. It takes an ability to write a persuasive and sincere Internet dating profile. This is my gift, Rxbxccah. I may not be able to drive a car or use my body in an effective and coordinated manner, but I can write an Internet dating profile.
And let me tell you, the Internet is the place to find the love of your life. The truth is that none of us have any idea of the type of person we’re going to fall in love with, and most people try to fussily micromanage things—eliminating smokers, hillbillies, body builders or vegetarians as if they were on some game show where they got to sculpt their ideal version of a partner. It’s an insane flavor of self-love, little more than a bizarre projection of the person we want to be rather than the person we need. We have the capacity to love anybody, and you, Rxbxccah must sincerely open yourself to the infinite possibilities of this world and allow me to write an online dating profile for you:
“I’m kind of brilliant, I guess, but not in a miserable-the-world-doesn’t-understand-my-bad-poetry kind way. I’m just a sweet, semi-radiant girl who looks good in most colors. I played Mary in the school Christmas pageant in grade four but I never let it go to my head. I just rolled with, cool as could be. I like to draw, make seasonal decorations from batteries, spell and imagine my ex falling into a lake of fire. Although I dislike Saskatchewan (it’s a long story you should ask me about), Rockabilly and Meerkats, I will probably like you, because I like people.
It’s also probably important for you to know that I’ve never appeared on the TV shows “Hoarders,” “The Bachelor,” or “Intervention.”
Drop me a line.
Come on, feel the heat.
A few days after I posted this profile for her, I got a long and rambling email from Rxbxccah, who was apparently having a hard time dealing with the awesome onslaught of responses she was receiving. I would share the entire thing with you, but it’s about 6,000 words long and rattles on about God, Angels and how America must protect her freedoms. I will simply excerpt the first sentence so I might illustrate just had badly she messed up the beautiful gift that I gave to her.
My mother and I have been going through some of the responses to the profile you suggested, and it’s been an interesting experience to say the least.
Do you see what I mean?
This is what I wrote back to her:
Okay, it is a CRITICAL error to scroll through potential dating profiles with your mother. You mother will not help. She’ll likely bitch about how stupid she was to marry your father and how you ruined her fucking life.
She could have been a dancer if not for you!
Yeah, if you’re looking at pictures with your mom— or mommy as she insists you call her even though you’re a grown man—she’ll probably say things like, “she’s too pretty for you,” or “you couldn’t handle her in bed.” But you’ll probably keep yourself together, because you’ve gone through too much therapy not to, but when she adds— just to twist the knife a little deeper into the infection— “your father was never much in bed, I bet you’re just like him, a real wet noodle! What was the name of your last girlfriend? Was it Stan?”
And this sort of remark is typical of mommy, so unfair.
That was just experimentation.
You were just a kid, barely 14 and you didn’t know what Stan was asking you to do. Or did you? It doesn’t matter, it’s wrong to judge!
And then you’ll yell, “You’re the reason I never dated! You’ve filled me with hate, you’ve made me hate myself, you’ve ruined me!”
And then once you’ve burst into tears, she’ll smile and smooth your hair, make you a sandwich with the crusts cut off, and tell you that you’ll always be her prince, her pretty, little prince, and you really won’t get any dating done at all, so Rxbxccah, no, this would be a mistake looking at dating profiles with your mother.
Unable to take sensible advice when offered, Rxbxccah wrote back:
I’m a girl, Mr. Murray, not a very confused boy or man or boy-man, and I respectfully think that maybe I’m not a complex enough person for you. Would it be possible to access my passwords as we discussed? It appears I cannot retract some of the photos you so thoughtfully posted on my behalf.
I would also be appreciative if you could reword my profile a smidge so that it more accurately reflects who I am and not your creepy fantasies? Actually, do you ever do the Dan Savage type of thing where your readers help out and give you a well-deserved break? You could use a break. You’ve been helping people for so long, maybe you should just let some other people try to help me out here? That would be nice.
And again, access to the passwords would be a delight.
Ungrateful Rxbxccah who will never find love, your password is “MILF,” and if you can find anybody to write a better profile than I did, you have found a witch or a warlock.
Good luck with that.
Michael Murray with the patient cooperation of Replica.