Kleenex 'Mansize' Tissues In Trouble, Despite Jerking Off Being A Thing

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | October 18, 2018 |

Did you know you could buy large, rugged, durable tissues designed exclusively for men? It’s true! But not for much longer. Today the Associate Press reported that Kimberly-Clark, maker of Kleenex, had decided to re-brand its “Mansize” tissues following a “consistent increase of complaints on gender concern.” Instead, they’ve decided to switch to the far less sexist branding, “Kleenex Extra Large.”

Now, normally I’d be celebrating a victory of common sense over pointlessly gender-coded marketing. After all, women can have large hands and lots of snot too, ya know! But in this case, I think the only mistake Kimberly-Clark made was in not leaning into the REAL purpose of special “Mansize” Kleenex: masturbation! It’s not sexist to say that a penis probably produces a larger quantity of ejaculate than a nose does snot, right? And if they’d underscored the fact that these tissues are made for dick-sneezes, they would have been able to further diversify the range.

Just think of the possibilities! In addition to the always popular lotion-infused tissues, they could have partnered with K-Y on some lube-infused ones. We know they have the means to make “Cool Touch” tissues… but what about “Warm Touch”? And then there’s the anal play possibilities for their Wet Wipes (OK, that doesn’t need to be exclusively masculine).

So while I’m sorry to see the Mansize potential of Mansize Kleenex fall by the wayside, I take some comfort in the fact that at the very least, “Kleenex Extra Large” will still help men in their moment of need: making them feel Extra Large even when they flying Extra Solo.