I write this having spent the last 12 or so hours dealing with an unspeakable stomach virus. Is this movie trying to kill me because I know too much?
Yes. Yes it is. Avenge me. REMEMBER WHAT WE’VE DONE HERE.
There are only a few Black characters in Love Actually. There’s Chiwetel Ejiofor, who gets repeatedly fucked over by his best friend; there’s Hugh Grant’s staff person who played Bellino the Castrato in the David Tennant Casanova, who calls Natalie “chubby”; and there’s Tony. Tony is in two storylines: he’s Garbage Colin’s best friend and he works on the Martin Freeman and Blonde Judy movie. He is given so little to do that the movie itself forgot he was there and that’s what we’re here to discuss today.
For the most part, this film is shot with scenes happening either simultaneously or in some manner of order. But not with our friend Tony.
Because when we first meet him, he’s hanging out with Garbage Colin in the food prep area of Keira Knightley and Chiwetel Ejiofor’s wedding.
He is then immediately on his film set. In different clothes.
Yes, I mean immediately. That first image is at 13:26, the second at 14:07. Within seconds, he has changed clothes and is back to work. For the rest of the film’s world, weddings and funerals are going on in a more conventionally timed fashion.
But, for Tony, he exists outside of what we consider conventional time.
This continues throughout the film. The next time we see him, he’s asking Judy to lower her breasts and cheat them left.
And then, again immediately and again in different clothing, he’s in Colin’s catering van.
Yes. Immediately. LOOK AT THE TIME CODES.
The next one happens so quickly it was easier to make a gif than to attempt a screenshot.
So here’s what we must ask: Is Tony merely a victim of bad editing? Did the editors of the film care so little that they genuinely did not notice his scenes were being placed back to back with zero continuity?
Or…is Tony so much more?
Does he perhaps possess the power of time travel or teleportation, thus allowing him to easily be in two places at once?
Or, perhaps, the answer has been in front of us all along. Say it with me: SEX ROBOTS.
Tony’s role in the Garbage Colin storyline is to attempt to dissuade Colin, his best friend, from his largely nonsensical and misogynist trip to America to obtain American punani. But in the Martin Freeman and Blonde Judy segment, he is actively bringing them together—quite literally—in what ends in them finding not only love but marriage.
Is Tony’s robot power being used for good? To bring people together in love, and—however futile—to stop Garbage Colin from garbaging all over some Wisconsin genitalia? Of course he fails in the latter, but he tried. And in the end he’s rewarded with a Denise Richards—a member of the Wisconsin clan of women who might also all be sex robots.
SEX ROBOTS FINDING SEX ROBOT LOVE TOGETHER. LOVE ACTUALLY IS ALL AROUND WHEN YOU’RE SEX ROBOTS.
If my stomach flu gets worse, if I don’t pull through this, know that I have gotten to the bottom of something they don’t want me finding out. Tell my story. Avenge me. AVENGE ME!
See you tomorrow. MAYBE.
25 Days of Love Actually Archive:
Day 17 (there was no Day 17 because of snow reasons or something)
Day 18: Part 2