What if I were to tell you that there is a man in America who spent $20,000 to build his own steam-powered rocket in his garage. He made it out of scraps, spare parts, and shit he bought off Craigslist.
What if I were to tell you that this man will be launching himself in his homemade rocket this Saturday, and plans to reach an altitude of about a mile at a speed of about 500 mph before pulling the parachutes.
What if I were to tell you this man will be launching his rocket over an actual goddamn ghost town in California.
What if I were to tell you that this man is a limo driver. And a daredevil. And… well, basically a self-taught rocket scientist.
What if I were to tell you that this man has launched himself in a homemade rocket before. And that he set a Guinness World Record for a limousine jump in 2002.
But what if I were to ALSO tell you that this modern American hero has been quoted as saying, “I don’t believe in science. I know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move through the air, about the certain size of rocket nozzles, and thrust. But that’s not science, that’s just a formula. There’s no difference between science and science fiction.”
What if I were to tell you his rocket is sponsored by the Research Flat Earth group. And that he himself believes the Earth is flat — and someday hopes to build a rocket to take him to space so he can see for himself what’s true.
What if I were to tell you that this man also hopes to one day be the Governor of California?
Friends, everything I have just told you is true. The man is named Mad Mike Hughes, and you’ll be able to watch his launch on Saturday, November 25th (via Internet PPV). He is equal parts inspiring and infuriating, but you know what? I personally wish him the best of luck. Even if his recent conversion to Flat Earth-erism was just a ploy for money, at least he’s seeing it through. If you’re gonna doubt science, you may as well do something about it — like inadvertently use it in a quest to disprove it. So I hope he keeps building bigger and better rockets. I hope that he eventually makes it to space — where I’m sure he’ll discover that the Earth is in fact round. And while he’s demonstrating the power of human ingenuity on a limo driver’s salary, I’ll be at home continuing to work on my healthy banana bread recipe and writing snarky commentary on the internet.
Truly, which of us is the most beneficial to humanity?