Friends, comrades, citizens of the world, the time for spineless equivocation has come to an end. We may tarry at the inn of indecision no longer. Put aside your flagons of maybe and your tankards of perhaps and strip yourself of your neutral colours—we must pick our sides, for in the immortal words of The Clash: ‘Now war is declared, and battle come down.’ Skirmishes have been fought before, but now we must put an end to the matter once and for all:
Is a hot dog a sandwich or not?!
Recently, Stephen Colbert had Ruth Bader Ginsburg—Supreme Court Justice, feminist icon, and focus of an upcoming documentary—on his show. The two worked out together, because why not, and at one point Colbert used the opportunity to ask one of the most brilliant legal minds in the country the burning question: Is a hot dog a sandwich or not?! After asking for his definition of a sandwich, which Colbert gave as ‘two pieces of bread with almost any type of filling in between, as long as it’s not more bread’, Justice Ginsburg pressed him on detail. ‘Two pieces of bread,’ she said. ‘Does that include a roll that’s cut open, but still not completely?’ Colbert gave her credit for getting to the apparent crux of the matter before giving the example of a sub sandwich. There, he said, the bread is not entirely split, yet it is still considered a sandwich. Justice Ginsburg conceded then, that by Colbert’s definition of a sandwich, a hot dog is indeed a sandwich.
To which I say: HOGWASH!
An appeal to authority—especially one delivered with such loaded language—has no dominion here.
This here is the domain of the people!
Only they may decide.
Now, before you all cast your vote in what is probably the most important poll of your life, take a moment to consider the following thoughtful diagram. I may not agree with it entirely, but it is a nifty piece of work nevertheless.
The Sandwich Alignment Chart: pic.twitter.com/WzVQpdPGw7— ℳatt (@matttomic) May 1, 2017
The founder of the National Health Service here in Britain, Aneurin Bevan, once said:
No amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party. So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
The same applies to me. Both with the Tories, and with those who try and claim that a hot dog is a sandwich. I know which way I’m voting.
Now, Pajibans, what say you?!