9:57 - Thanks everyone for playing along at home. I hope you all had a nice time, or at least a better time than everyone who wasn’t involved with “Modern Family,” “Game Change” or “Homeland.” Goodnight!
9:56 - Well, that was an anticlimactic shitshow. Poor Lena is sitting somewhere in the audience thinking “I got that naked for this?”
9:55 - Michael J. Fox is human hand warmers for the heart.
9:53 - Yeah, this can all pretty much go ahead and end now. I’m tired.
9:48 - MY STARS AND GARTERS, MORENA BACCARIN. That is a great deal of cleve. Do they teach you that at the academy?
9:47 - Tom Hanks looks like a ’60s air traffic controller.
9:46 - Any thoughts on how the night’s going, Cumby?
9:38 - Fine, I’ll be the bitch and say it: Whitney Houston dying is the best thing to happen to Kevin Costner’s career in almost 20 years. That’s the only reason he’s having this resurgence right now.
9:36 - Look. I’m bad with fashion. I leave that to other people (Cindy will be tackling it tomorrow). But Ginnifer Goodwin’s dress is fug as shit. That much I know.
9:35 - Why don’t they just have Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert host the show?
9:28 - I have to clean up my head from its explosion after realizing that Jonathan “Superstar” Levinson wrote “Game Change” but I am very happy for Julianne Moore because if someone can make me feel sorry for Sarah Palin for a few minutes, that is acting.
9:27 - WAIT. WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE. Danny Strong is *THAT* Danny Strong?!?!?!?!?!?!?! JONATHAN?!?!?
9:20 - ROBERT EASTON DIED AND NO ONE TOLD ME? We need to honor him.
9:18 - I have terrible death recall, so these montages always destroy me. And remind me that I’m terrible because, while I loathe people who pull the “didn’t ____ die ages ago?,” I am totally that person sometimes, because I thought Richard Dawson had been dead since the early ’90s.
9:17 - I thought that was going to be a continuation of the “Breaking Bad” short thing that didn’t work earlier, and now I’ve remembered that Andy Griffith died this year and, holy shit, was that short an even worse idea than I thought before.
9:15 - Jesus. Tom Berenger looks like puffy shit.
9:14 - FUN FACT. Did you know that Kerry Washington used to be engaged to the guy from Newsies that wasn’t Christian Bale? The one who sang “open the gates and seeeiiize the day…”?
9:12 - Those were weird cutaways. I’m confused.
9:08 - Wine update: I am on hour two of attempting to swallow this glass of swill. Because I never give up. I’m like Jason Mraz in this way.
9:07 - Jessica Lange, you scenery chewing bitch, I love you. And Frances Conroy, largely ignored in favor of said scenery stealing bitch, you are a flawless person.
9:06 - Did I not notice before that Sarah Paulson got nominated for “Game Change”? Look, I love Sarah Paulson, but…really? She said lines. She said them well and all…but it wasn’t exactly a particularly actingy part.
9:03 - “American Horror Story” entering into the Miniseries category is some sneaky, cheaty shit. And that Ashley Judd “I just want my kid back!” show apparently tried to pass itself off the same way, even though it’s not so much a miniseries is it is a regular normal series that got cancelled.
8:58 - ACTION BREAK! I want to take this special moment and wish a happy birthday to our sweet, sweet, Hamm-humping Figgy.
8:56 - “The Daily Show” theme song was not made to played over and over again repeatedly. Every other show that wins every year begins to grate upon me. But not TDS. Never TDS. It can win every year for the rest of eternity and I will be fine with it forever.
8:49 - My mom was really sad about that “666 Park Avenue” show because it meant Terry O’Quinn wouldn’t be on “Hawaii 5-0” anymore. But my mom needs to know that SHE CAN’T TELL TERRY O’QUINN WHAT HE CAN DO.
8:49 - I still don’t think “Once Upon a Time” is a real show. I think everyone’s making it up to screw with me.
8:47 - This truly is a great night for gingers. Except for Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Sorry, bro. Also, Christina Hendricks is an imposter, so she couldn’t win.
8:43 - Two = not too shabby. I mean, it could have been three but he was up against THE ENTIRE CAST OF MODERN FAMILY.
8:40 - It weirds me out every year when award shows are nominated for award shows.
8:39 - Guys, I know that show is rapidly nearing 20 years off the air and I DON’T CARE. She is Angela Chase. And, sometimes, Temple Grandin. Cow.
8:38 - That dress is very bump flattering, because Angela Chase straight up looks unpregnant right now.
8:35 - Some make comments about how Tina Fey wears her hair the same at every awards show, but I, like Tina, also suffer from the affliction known as “head too small for the body” and when you have HTSFTB, you have to rock the elegant poof or you look boxy. I feel you, girl.
8:27 - Julianna Margulies’s dress is truly groundbreaking in the field of repurposing motel bedspreads as haute couture.
8:26 - Josh Groban is just my favorite. I’m glad he’s a person. And never you forget who we have to thank for that—Rosie O’Donnell and Ally McBeal.
8:25 - You know how, as a rule, people are usually jizzing all over HBO shows? I feel like not enough jizz is…spilled…on “Boardwalk Empire.” I regret the analogy. Anyway. It deserves more adoration.
8:24 - Jeremy Davies is one of my favorite spazzes. And I hadn’t looked up from my computer yet, but what the hair what?
8:20 - It legitimately shocked me that Hamm hasn’t won yet. In my mind, he wins all the time. And keeps his award in his pants.
8:18 - Maggie Smith is all “fuck the Emmys. I WAS IN HOOK. I don’t need that shit.”
8:17 - If I were a fancy stripper, my name would be Downtown Abbii.
8:14 - I so deeply love Connie Britton, you guys. That said…the hair…and the shiny mineral makeup…it’s not great.
8:11 - Half-man, you say? When you are a national treasure, you don’t need no stinkin’ award.
8:08 - Don’t worry. Esposito got an award, too. His trophy was just bigger.
8:07 - Aaron got his Emmy and his Pops!
8:05 - Hey! My first legitimate out-loud “yay!” all night!
8:04 - The pale lipstick is not a great look on Claire Danes.
8:03 - Hey, “Grey’s Anatomy” is still a show. Did you guys know that? Because I didn’t know that. How ‘bout that?
8:00 - Did…did Betty White just lose an award? Was it because she found out Seth MacFarlane was going to have to hand it to her? I choose to believe that.
7:59 - He’s got one of those faces you want to punch. And one of those careers you want to donkey punch.
7:58 - Fuck you, Seth MacFarlane.
7:56 - There was an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” where Amy refers to the character of The Doctor as “Doctor Who” and no one calls her on it. It’s almost like BBT *isn’t* a wholly accurate depiction of geek culture.
7:52 - Remember that “Roseanne” episode where the Connors become a Nielsen family and only watch and list good, smart shows? That’s what I think happens with Emmy voters and the reality show awards every year. “Amazing Race” is the only one they’ll admit to watching.
7:49 - No “Drag Race”? Even in the fucking montage? BULLSHIT. Sharon Needles is the light and the way, and Willam deserves every award under the sun. Seriously, that show is perfection and it deserves Emmy accolades a fuckton and a half more than that “Dancing With Gavin Goddamn McGraw” nonsense.
7:47 - I’m happy for Julia. I love love love her and I love love love “Veep” and if they can just fabricate some reason for Peter Capaldi to be on it, I’ll love it even more. But at some point, Amy needs it. I need it for her. I will make one out of gold nail polish chippings and give it to her.
7:46 - OKAY SERIOUSLY, how has Amy not won Best Supporting Actress every year JUST FOR THE EMMYS?
7:45 - Look at Amy snuggloving JLD. That’s why she’s a better person than we are. With better boobs.
7:42 - The theme of this evening is “let’s only honor things that the older assistants in your office talk about over Healthy Choice dinners in the break room.” The way this is going, they’re just going to give Best Actress to a copy of Under the Tuscan Sun.
7:41 - If you don’t think that award was given solely as a “we are so fucking sorry that you had to play second fiddle to Charlie Sheen for however the fuck long that show’s been on, and you’ve probably seen some things a man should never see” then you are a fool, my friends.
7:40 - Like… Just… UGH. It’s like Melissa McCarthy winning last year. I so *want* to be happy for this genuinely good and talented person, who just wanted to be employed when they took the shitty butt ass job that landed them said award. BUT I CANNOT BE.
7:39 - Well, he just won an Emmy and his show is watched by, like, a gazillion dads and frat boys, so what do I know.
7:38 - I want so much better for Jon Cryer. So, so much better.
7:36 - This short little video is better than the entire last two seasons of the actual show.
7:33 - Basically, Emmy voters only watch one new show every five or six years. When that show finally ends, they are forced against their wills to watch a new screener and then they pick that one for every award until that show ends, and so on and so forth. So, if we want to see any show other than “Modern Family” win, we’ll just have to wait until its plug is finally pulled, somewhere around season 9.
7:32 - Jon Hamm should have gotten that Guest Actor Emmy. I mean, I loved Jimmy’s SNL, but that 60 seconds of Hamm was possibly the greatest 60 seconds of Hamm ever.
7:30 - There are certain people from certain ensemble shows for whom I desperately wish some manner of continued success. Matthew Perry is one of them (Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the other, and BOOM, 2012 was a good year for me).
7:26 - Actually, I take it back. I will bum. Because, and I know I’m a broken record on this particular obsession, but Cobie Smulders genuinely deserved some manner of nod for HIMYM’s “Symphony of Illumination” episode. It happens to the hotties sometimes, but she’s a grossly underrated actress.
7:25 - *looks at all the clavicle* Oh, right. A snack-eating podcast might not be her jam.
7:23 - I really like Julie Bowen, and she’s consistently great on MF, so I’m not going to bum about it. That said, I’d like her a lot more if she’d do a “Mike and Tom Eat Snacks” so someone needs to get on that.
7:22 - I didn’t liveblog the red carpet really, but had I done so, I would have mentioned Nicole Kidman’s dress, which was conceptualized as “frame my vagine with blue.”
7:21 - From not-this-room, I hear a crying baby and a sighing husband. HAHA, SUCKA. Not my problem tonight. *sips, claps for Louie, laments those who lost, wishes it could have been a tie all around*
7:20 - That should have been a more soaring praise. Sorry, Chris.
7:19 - I’ve never actually seen Chris McKenna before. He’s kind of unexpectedly attractive.
7:18 - Commercial sign. “The Middle” does a great job of filling the role of “show I’ve never seen and have no idea how long it’s been on or who watches it, but it seems like it’s been around a long time” previously vacated by “that one show with Mike O’Malley and the Guy from ‘Boston Common’.”
7:15 - I’ve done some thinking and I’ve settled on Kimmy Jibbler. Let’s make it a thing.
7:12 - Okay, this category is nonsense. You cannot just nominate the entire cast of a show. Especially when this past season of said show was pretty much terrible.
7:11 - Damn, Amy. Look at those cans. How could Will even conceive of a day when he could (say it with me) SAY GOODBYE TO THESE!
7:11 - Amy Poehler and Louie C.K.? This show’s going to go ahead and peak early apparently.
7:08 - On Rock Center, I found out that Steve Buscemi gets sad when people talk about his looks, and he just looked sad, and I felt sad. So, I’ll admit it. Steve? I’d hit that. I’d hit that like a thug’s head with Manny Hororwitz’s meat cleaver.
7:03 - So far, unimpressed with Jimmy. Which I accidentally originally typed as Kimmy. So I’m just going to go ahead and call him Kimmy.
7:02 - Unsurprisingly, the one who looks like she can throw a legit punch? Martha Plimpton.
7:01 - Look at all these ladies I love. And Zooey, who I’m starting to like again after a very long period of hatred.
6:58 - Seriously, this stuff tastes like barbeque smoke. I get this shit all the time. IT NEVER TASTES LIKE BARBEQUE SMOKE. How am I supposed to pretend like I’ve ever seen a full episode of “The Good Wife” while dealing with this kind of unanticipated complication?
6:57 - Ooh, Jim Parsons’ tux is made of velvet. Did you guys know that I have a phobia of touching velvet? I have a phobia of touching velvet. It comes from being a ballerina during the early ’90s crushed velvet outbreak. I have panic attacks when I set up our photo backdrop at work.
6:56 - Um. My wine tastes weird. SOMEONE FIRE MY ASSISTANT.
6:54 - Oh my. Clinton Kelly. Honey. Whoever did your fake tan gave you a mean case of the Mitt Romneys.
6:51 - Is Manny from “Modern Family” ever going to hit puberty? Does he have the Webster disease? Because that’s okay if he does, and it might make me not hate his character.
6:45 - AND WE ARE ON LIKE WRATH OF KHAN. I’ve got my snacks, my co-host (she’s a baby, mainly) and my Emmy juice. It’s custom.
Per usze, newness is at the top.