I defend YA books/movies on general principle. Yeah, they’re frequently flipping stupid and poorly written (I slogged my way through the first two Divergent books before wondering what the hell I was doing with my life), but I’m not the target audience. Teenage girls catch a lot of hell for the things they like, and I’m not here to pile more on top of them. Who among us can look me in the eye and tell me they didn’t like at least one thing when they were younger than, looking back, they’re a little embarrassed about?
But defending fans of YA lit doesn’t mean I can’t take potshots at the stories themselves, especially when their movies are as dumb-looking as Divergent, hitting theaters tomorrow. Shailene Woodley, only you have the power to express different personality traits at the same time. Sit down, special snowflake. And play a game of Mad Libs! Much more fun than overthrowing the government.
Get your pens out and provide:
1) An edgy-sounding adjective
2) Female Name
5) Place Name
8) Normal everyday action
12) Male historical figure
14) Negative Adjective
16) Body part
17) Least favorite high school teacher
19) Movie title
21) Positive adjective
And now the world premiere of:
(2—Female name) was a normal girl—not pretty, but not (3—adjective)-looking, either. She had pale skin and long (4—color) hair. But this normal girl lived in a terribly abnormal place called (5—place name), in which the elite controlled every aspect of peoples’ lives. (2—Female name) couldn’t even (6—activity) without the government knowing about it.
But one day, (2—female name) discovered she was the only one who could take down the evil dictator, President (7—celebrity)). You see, she had the power of 8—normal everyday action-, which no one else had been able to do since the Great (9—animal) War of (10—year). But she didn’t want to! She didn’t think she was (11—adjective) enough. She wasn’t special.
“But you are special!,” said her friend (12—male historical figure), all-around hunkmeister who was (13—adjective) and didn’t like anyone except for (2—female name). “You’re the most special person to ever exist! Not that I like you or anything. Believe in yourself.”
“I will believe in myself!,” thought (2—female name), even though she still thought she was only OK, I guess. So she worked hard and brought all the citizens of (5—place name) to her side, even though before they met her some of them thought she was (14—negative adjective). “Now we think you’re the (15—animal’s)(16—body part)!,” they told her, admiring her long, shiny, but just OK hair as she passed by.
So (2—female name) took a break from angsting up the joint to take down the government, which was kinda weird considering President (7—celebrity) had control of a massive army and she was only a teenager, but whatever. “I have always loved you!,” said (12—male historical figure), while (2—female name)’s BFF (17—name of your least favorite high school teacher) sat in the corner and cried into his (18—food). He’d loved (2—female name) his whole life, but we haven’t mentioned him before now because he’s not hunky and he cried at (19—movie title) enough.
“(20—Exclamation)!,” said (2—female name). “I got the glory and I get to walk into the sunset with the hot guy! I guess I must be pretty (21—positive adjective) after all. And at least I’m not Bella Swan.”
(Rebecca hopes she has provided some amusement on this day. It not, please feel free not to tell me about it.)