I was watching last nights episode of “Justified” when suddenly, a revelation struck me: Timothy Olyphant has overtaken Johnny Depp. This flash of knowledge hit me so hard and fast it must have come from Godtopus himself and I took it directly to the pages of Facebook where I was met with several acknowledgments and only one naysayer (he was promptly controlled with repetitious talking points, a common Decider tactic). I have long been a fan of the Depp and his clearly magical sexual powers—the man hasn’t washed his hair in a decade and still he charmed us. He speaks in a funny, gravely, throaty, made-up accent he seems to have acquired while living in France (not unlike Madonna’s on-off Britspeak). He rolls his own cigarettes while chatting with interviewers and I counted myself among those who exclaimed, “Oh how avant-garde he is! Look, the French rubbed off on him—he is too cool for Marlboro!” Behold the Johnny of yore:
Johnny is not afraid to wear jewelery or hats, he has had his pretty, longish hair for quite a while now; he’s clearly comfortable with himself and his affect on admirers the world over. But I think all the time spent hanging around Tim (Burton) and Helena (Bonham Carter) has influenced both his hair and fashion sense:
Clearly this trio should be broken up, not only for the sake of Johnny’s quickly waning sexuality but also because the world has grown tired of this working collaboration.
So, for now we must bid adieu to our fair Johnny Depp, accept his new and greasy French thing (which by the way, is easily avoided; see Vincent Cassel).
You’ll always have a place in our bed, but with the ‘do of a middle-aged woman and horrid glasses that hide your pretty eyes you can never attain the gloriousity of the Olyphant. Also, have him teach you how to wear a hat.
And now I present, the object of the Decider’s decision, the sexiest man any side of Kentucky, the Top of the Hots, Olyphanty Pants:
He can wear a hat.
He can even make a stupid hat look good, the mark of a truly sexy man:
And thus, I declare the world order to have been upset by a man who looks good even in shadow, with gun or without, with hair or without, with pants or without. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the man who has overtaken Johnny Depp, Timothy “Olyphanty Pants.”
This post is lovingly dedicated to the naysayer