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How Did None of the 'Harry Potter' Kids Turn Into Horrible Monster People?

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | May 3, 2016 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | May 3, 2016 |

It’s no secret around these parts that I probably put waaaaay more thought into the Harry Potter franchise than I should have. (Alternatively: I put in the exact right amount. People who haven’t put careful consideration into exactly how terrible Snape would be in bed aren’t the sort of people that I want to associate with.) While there are things about the franchise that disappoint me (Rowling never figured out that Lupin is bisexual, only one of the movies is good. FACTS.), there’s one thing that I’m continually impressed by.

How many child actors were in the Harry Potter franchise? A lot. And none of them turned into Bieber/Lohan-esque, tantrum-throwing nightmares.

What are the odds?

The closest we ever got is that Jamie Waylett, the actor who played Draco’s henchman Crabbe, got involved in a spot of rioting and was busted for marijuana possession. That’s bad, but not Shia LaBeouf bad.

Tom Felton, when he’s not working on his #brand by playing Draco Malfoy-ish dicks in movies like Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Belle, enjoys carp fishing.


Rupert Grint drives around in an ice cream truck giving people free shit. He also used his Harry Potter money to buy llamas. Rupert Grint is living all of our best lives.

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Daniel Radcliffe went to the Elijah Wood School of Recovering from a Big-Budget Franchise, essentially taking on a whole bunch of more offbeat projects (Broadway musicals, A Young Doctor’s Notebook, What If, the farting jet ski corpse movie) because, fuck it, it’s not like he needs more Hollywood money.


Emma Watson is a god damn feminist crusader.

Josh Herdman, who played Gregory Goyle, is an MMA fighter.

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Alfred Enoch (Gryffindor Dean Thomas) is basking in the glow of Viola Davis on How to Get Away with Murder.


Luke Youngblood (Lee Jordan) was tragically slain in a paintball skirmish.

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You all know about Matthew Lewis.


The others—Evanna Lynch, Katie Leung, Clemence Poesy, etc. etc.—are for the most part doing smaller projects and not getting arrested for drunk driving or feuding with their parents or starting fights with homeless people. (That I know of.) The (varying degrees of) fame and wealth that came with being in one of the biggest franchises of all time don’t seem to have gotten to any of them, really. Statistically speaking, it’s weird! Also good. But weird! What happened? Did they screen for horrible stage parents during the audition process? Something in the water at the craft services table? Did Dame Maggie Smith threaten to armbar anyone who got sent to juvie?


Never mind. I figured it out. It’s that last thing.

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