On last night’s “The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show” episode of Parks and Recreation, the popular segment “April’s Animal Corner,” featuring April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer and a Goliath Bird-eating Tarantula, turned into another popular segment, “Loose Animal In the Studio.” That meant they had to show this disclaimer, as they always do when they end up accidentally playing Loose Animal In the Studio.
After that aired, someone on the Internet decided it would be a better use of their time to transcribe that whole crazy message than to, say, sleep. (Thanks, crazy nerd!) You can read the whole thing over at Reddit, but here are some highlights:
Academi, if you’re not familiar, is what used to be Blackwater. The future is bleak, man.
Here are some of the things Andy’s not allowed to do on the show:
- Attempting to ingest or encouraging others to ingest non-edible products, including but not limited to: glue, wood, staples, staplers, toys, wool socks, cotton socks, polyester socks, cotton/polyester blend socks, scientific equipment and any form of US currency, including but not limited to: pennies, nickels, quarters, Susan B. Anthony dollars, Sacagawea dollars, or paper bills.
- Detonation of any sort of explosive device, or non-explosive device that is rendered explosive by the taping or gluing of said device to an explosive device.
- Covering the studio property or any other property in any substance, including but not limited to: glitter, tar, glittery tar, jam, gel, jelly, ice, slush, slime, sludge, slurry, ooze, gunk, glop, goop, foam, froth, muck, or ice cream.
- Using the Company’s telephone for any “crank call” segments to any citizens, including but not limited to: current or former government officials, former classmates, former co-workers, local restaurants, “Lawrence,” “Greg Pikitis,” or any members of the 2001-2017 New England Patriots.
- Claiming to be an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and/or the Central Intelligence Agency and/or the Coast Guard and/or the United States Treasury Department and/or “Special Ops” and/or “Special Ox” [sic] in order to gain access to government or law enforcement buildings.
- Pressing on the Host’s own eyes with Host’s own thumbs in order to “see cool stuff floating around in there.”
- Attempting to break any National or International record for any kind of competitive eating, including but not limited to: pies, hot dogs, cherries, bananas, sunflower seeds, butternut squash, clam chowder, milk, pinto beans, burritos, sweet-n-sour chicken, Paunch Burger Dinner-for-Breakfast Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Pancake Combos, Paunch Burger Lunch-for-Dinner Sandwich Combos, or Paunch Burger Everything-for-Dinner Burrito-Pancake-Taco-Teriyaki-Chicken-Waffle-Nacho-Penne-Arrabiata-Steak Combo Supreme.
And this is what happens when you leave Andy Dwyer alone with your computer:
The conditions and limits on liability apply to all segments of “April’s Animal Corner,” regardless of whether the segment eventually leads to aforementioned Segment (“Loose Animal in the Studio”). On such occasions when “April’s Animal Corner” proceeds as planned, and the animal in question remains safely in the cage or container in which it was transported, the Company hey it’s me Andy I had a dumb meeting with our dumb lawyer who was yelling at me for something I don’t even know what it was he’s so funny when he yells he looks like Beaker from the Muppets I’m in his office right now he’s on a phone call so I opened his document and clicked in the middle of this paragraph and started typing haha he’s so dumb he’ll probably never even see this I can type whatever I wan Colts rule Colts rule Johnny Karate forever Reggie Wayne forever Greg Pikitis sucks ok he’s coming back I love you April bye! retains the right to apply these limited liability conditions to the Segment as well as all other segments involving animals, now or in the future.
As an added bonus, here are the commercials that played during Johnny Karate. I’m so disgusted with how badly I want a Paunch Burger.