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George Zimmerman and Dylann Roof Both Got Their Asses Beat Today Because Life is Awesome

By Brian Byrd | Miscellaneous | August 4, 2016 |

By Brian Byrd | Miscellaneous | August 4, 2016 |

This summer isn’t exactly bursting with positive news stories. Hitler’s reanimated spray-tanned corpse dominates the airwaves, highly anticipated cinematic tentpoles managed to disappoint critics and fans alike, we found out Game of Thrones isn’t returning until mid-2017, that new Frank Ocean album still hasn’t dropped, and it’s hot. In the summer. Brutal.

Thursday, though, the clouds momentarily parted to allow a glorious fist-shaped ray of sunshine through to warm our souls. What’s the good news, you ask? Did scientists discover a breakthrough cancer treatment? Are women finally getting paid the same as their male counterparts? Did TK finally watch Shawshank Redemption?

Better. So, so much better.

Someone punched George Zimmerman in the face.

And an inmate beat the bowl cut off of Dylann Roof, the inbred Deliverance extra who murdered nine people in a Charleston church last year.

Let’s go in order, shall we?

Zimmerman, a real-life Suicide Squad character who shot and killed Trayvon Martin because he thought a bag of Skittles was a Mack 11, got popped in the beak for — and this is 100 percent true — bragging about killing Martin. According to witnesses — and again, I’m not making any of this up — Zimmerman walked up to a bar patron and said, “I love your tattoos. My name is George Zimmerman, you know, that guy who killed Trayvon Martin?” Zimmerman then showed this person his ID to prove that yes, the guy claiming to be the abominable trash monster who murdered an unarmed teenager was actually the abominable trash monster who murdered an unarmed teenager.

For what it’s worth (literally nothing), Zimmerman told the 911 dispatcher a different story:

Zimmerman claimed he was explaining to people sitting at a table that he shot Trayvon Martin in self- defense when a large man approached and asked, “You’re bragging about that?” before punching him Zimmerman in the face.

Zimmerman: “This man just punched me in the face.”

Dispatcher: “Is he still there?”

Zimmerman: “Yup. He said he’s going to kill me. You need to send like three or four cops.”

Upon arriving on the scene those three or four cops put the assailantSon of God into a police car and drove him directly to the White House where he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Assclown Punching Thursday then moved north to Carolina. No, not North Carolina. It moved north to South Carolina. Because Zimmerman is in Florida because of course he is and South Carolina, while still south, is north of that state. Anyway, Roof, a racist mushroom who will burn in hell for eternity, currently spends his days at South Carolina’s Charleston County Detention Center in protective custody to prevent every other inmate in that prison from airholing his vital organs with a filed down bedspring. Luckily, an enterprising young fellow named Dwayne Stafford found a hole in his security detail and took advantage.

Charleston County Sheriff Al Cannon Jr. said that Roof, who is white, was out of his cell and on his way to the shower when the attack happened at the Charleston County Detention Center.

Although he was in protective custody, Roof, 22, was vulnerable because only one guard was in the area and he was fetching toilet tissue for another inmate, Cannon said. That allowed another inmate, 25-year-old Dwayne Stafford, time to run down the stairs from his cell in the protective custody unit and assault Roof with his fists, the sheriff said.

No weapons were involved in the attack and Roof was able to return to his cell after being treated, Cannon said.

“[Stafford] hit him so hard he knocked a ‘N’ off his name,” Cannon said. “He goes by ‘Dylan’ now.”

Nah, that last line is totally fabricated. Here’s what he really said:

“The detention officer responded quickly and separated the two,” Cannon said. “The injuries that Roof received are relatively minor — some bruising around the face and the back. It appears he was struck with a fist and nothing more serious than that.”

Damn. Could have at least bludgeoned him with a Bible or tagged him with commissary tray a few times, Dwayne. Do better next time.

Look, I know what you’re thinking: Hey, Brian, Zimmerman is a racist scumbag who tries to profit on his murder of a young black child, and Roof mowed down nine African-Americans for the crime of being black in church, but is more violence really the answer?

Yes. Yes, it is. George Zimmerman and Dylann Roof should be beaten daily by different people on a rotating basis. Clocking one or both of these scumbags in the melon should be a societal requirement. Want to get your driver’s license or be able to buy a six-pack? You better catch Zimmerman with that left first, son. I would commit a crime in South Carolina just to have an opportunity to crane-kick Roof in the chest.


Sometimes people need to have their ass kicked. I can think of no one more deserving than these two.

A Tolerant Liberal