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Fruitcakes. Why'd It Have To Be Fruitcakes?

By Joanna Robinson | Miscellaneous | December 23, 2010 |

By Joanna Robinson | Miscellaneous | December 23, 2010 |

‘Tis the Season, folks. Time to pack your bags or open your doors to family and friends. And whether or not we get along with everyone, most of us do our level best to don the gay apparel and deck the halls. Sometimes the strain of the holidays can get the best of us and we retreat to our chosen comforts (alcohol, chocolate, meths) or regress to childish behavior. But whether host or guest, golden child or black sheep, I’d wager we all wish for the cheeriest and smoothest of holidays. So here are a smattering of tips to help you weather the storm…erm, holiday. I meant holiday. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?

1. No eye rolling at the table. I don’t care if you are a vegetarian and have been one for three whole weeks, mom, gosh. Cut the offending dish into tiny bits and fork it under some rogue lettuce. No one will be the wiser.

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2. Exercise caution in the kitchen. Burns are no laughing matter. They’re not even useful maps. You usually end up digging in the wrong place anyway.

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3. Don’t drink too much. Sure, a glass or two or three can make everything seem a bit jollier, but no one likes a sloppy drunk.

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4. Make sure your hors d’oeuvres are unspoiled. One year my grandmother served molding potatoes. Trust me, it put a damper on the whole meal.

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5. Share your toys. I know, I know, your name was definitely on that gift tag. But think of it this way, you’ll have scads of time to wear your new plaything out. Let ol’ dad have a go.

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6. Book your flight early. You really don’t want to get stranded at the airport with no ticket.

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7. Be kind to your appliances. You never know when they might save your life. Oh I know, it sounds implausible, possibly, you feel, it undermines every scrap of science you studied in school. People may scoff, prairie dogs may look askance, but pay them no heed. It’s true. I have seen it in stories.

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Joanna Robinson will be spending the holidays in the warm bosom of her family and would send you Christmas cheer, but she has no time for love, Dr. Jones.