You know that warm, glowing feeling you get when you meet someone who likes the things you like? “You enjoy ‘The Wire,’ you say? Me too! I was also struck by the compelling layers, the natural performances and the ultimate pay-off of each season. David Simon is truly a genius, a modern day Dickens.” It’s a nice feeling in this cold, harsh world. But doesn’t that warm glow turn to a fiery hot jolt of joy when that shared love is for something truly awful and dumb? As I trundle along life’s highways and byways, I find that the people I meet who love the following films earn my immediate and undying (until they kill it) affection. These are people who, like me, filled their ill-spent youth with TBS (my first love), TNT’s “Monstervision” (Joe Bob Briggs, call me!) and USA’s “Up All Night” (ultimately, too porny for my little eyes). Ah, cable, you raised me well.
Point of No Return
How much do I like this movie? So much so that I’m willing to risk my reputation (riiiiight) and admit that I like it better than the original, La Femme Nikita. Look at the cavalcade of stars! Anne Bancroft doing that sour and salty thing! Dermot Mulroney (never to be confused for Dylan McDermott) rocking the boho beard! Gabriel Byrne phoning it in, but using his Irish accent to do so! And sweet, sweet Bridget Fonda, trying so hard to be tough. This movie actually introduced me to Nina Simone and the art of seducing someone with ravioli. What more could you possibly ask for?
Hey everybody, it’s your mom/grandma’s favorite elder heartthrob from “NCIS,” Mark Harmon! This movie is like Stand and Deliver only without any heart-felt emotion, calcooolusss, or Edward James Olmos. Also, I’m fairly certain Harmon neither stands nor delivers. That’s all I really have to say because I will not be baited into making any cracks about Kirstie Alley’s weight. Unless that counts. That doesn’t count!!
You thought Point of No Return was star-studded? Check out a young Seth Green and a baby-faced Jack Black!!! Ok, you’re right, two “stars” does not a studding make. What this film does have, however, is blatant Rollerblade product placement, a poor man’s Zack Morris and a white knuckle race against “the preps” down Devil’s Backbone which is, as you know, only the most dangerous hill in the whole town. La ola es mia, bras. The wave is mine.
Teen Wolf Too
Picture that 80’s classic Teen Wolf. Now strip it of any subtlety (ha!) or metaphorical allusion to puberty. Yeah get rid of Michael J. Fox’s charisma while you’re at it. Okay, now add Jason Bateman and boxing and a giant choreographed dance number. Can you picture it? Now tack a “Too” on the end instead of a “2.” Oh, I don’t know why it was made either. Just sit back and let the cheese wash over you like a wave of…cheese.
Alright kids, all joking aside, I do like those other crappy movies, but my heart burns with a burning burny love for The Beastmaster. Marc Singer, the hottest Marc this side of Harmon, rocks the h*ll out of a loincloth as he swashes and buckles with the aid of the entire animal kingdom (especially those impish ferrets). This is what Prince of Persia and all the Mummy iterations wish they were. But accept no substitutes, especially if they lack a murderous Rip Torn and the dad from “Good Times” in a diaper. Oh, and for the lovers of scantily clad ladies, there’s a fiery Tanya Roberts. Seriously, somebody get me a pet ferret, like, yesterday.
Joanna Robinson is relieved she was able to round out this list without having to admit her fondness for Zapped Again!. Unless that counts. That doesn’t count!!!