For about three years now I’ve served as a prison pen pal. The organization that facilitates this program asks that the letter writing volunteers such as myself, provide the inmate with a connection to the outside world. Ideally, we’re there to listen, exhibit some compassion and help to ease the often jarring transition from incarceration back into the mainstream. Doing this requires very little of my time, and I figured that I might actually be able to help somebody who was feeling lost and forgotten in this world.
I also wanted something terribly dramatic to happen. I imagined corresponding with some variant of Hannibal Lecter. As if in the midst of some battle between good and evil, I’d match wits with a brilliant psychopath who was both seductive and repellent, and for my efforts receive an articulate and horrifying glimpse into the heart of darkness.
Of course, nothing of the sort has happened. For the most part the men I correspond with have absolutely no support network, been tragically deprived of an education and want nothing more than an opportunity to continue to obsess over their ever unfolding appeal process and how the system fucked them over. I always try to be positive and encouraging in response, offering sympathy and support where I can, but the truth is that it’s been grinding me down.
With my most recent prisoner, I decided to take a less passive and receptive posture and approached him in a kind of whimsical, chatty tone, one that was a little more personal, in the hopes we might actually connect.
I now present to you this correspondence:
(Note: In order to maintain our anonymity, both pen pals must use an alias while writing, and the letters are always mailed to a post office box rather than an address.)
I live in Toronto and every year the city hosts a huge Film Festival. All the beautiful people, and all those who want to be near the beautiful people, charge about in a self-satisfied and pretentious display that’s enough to make you vomit. Let me give you an example. This year George Clooney and Madonna are expected to attend the festival and in anticipation of their arrival all the trendy stores are filling themselves with the most ridiculous things in the world. Honest to God, one place is selling what I think are garbage cans for $100,000. Now that is straight up insane, right? What a bunch of dongs. If I had $100,000 lying around, I think I might go and travel, maybe live in Tokyo for a year.
What about you? Let’s imagine that you’re given $100,000 when you get out of jail and you could spend it any way you wanted, what would you do?
Your new friend,
The Galaga God
The star I would like to see the most is Minka Kelly.
She’s the city I would live in.
Minka York City.
If I had a $100,000 to spend I would pay somebody to hack into Minka Kelly’s cell phone and then send me all of her nudie shots so that I could tattoo them on my back and make her a part of me forever.
Why would you want to go to Tokyo? Are you into Asian chicks?
Well, I’m not sure if paying somebody to commit a crime is the best way to spend your money, but that’s not for me to judge!
I’ve never gotten a tattoo, although I often think about it. Does it hurt?
And MT, I don’t want to go to Tokyo for the ladies, although I’m sure that they’re all lovely and kind, but for the possibility of living in a place where I might be considered tall. That would be fun, I think. You know, people would always asking me if I could change the lightbulb or wanting to know what it feels like to dunk. And of course, of course, the Anime, I love the Anime.
What’s your favourite movie, and if there was a movie made of your life, who would play you and why?
Tattoos only hurt if you’re a pussy.
I’ve been in the big house for almost 22 months, has the Mink been nude in anything yet? If so, I would break out of jail to see that movie, even if it was about robots or something gay.
This is my list of stars I would most like to do.
1. Megan Fox. I would transform the f***out of her.
2. Scarlet Johannson. She’s got the whole package and an awesome set of puppies.
3. Eva Mendes. A Latin firestorm.
4. That chick from Twilight who posted those nude photos of herself on the web. What’s her name?
5. Rihanna. She likes it dirty. We would sex tape it up all night long.
(Mothertrucker included a surprisingly good pencil drawing of parts of this imagined sex tape.)
I probably am a pussy.
I get nosebleeds quite easily and suspect I would find a tattoo very painful, so it’s the sort of thing that’s only likely to happen if I was blind drunk or kidnapped.
As far as I know, Minka Kelly has yet to appear nude in anything, but if I hear of
anything I’ll certainly let you know.
Your celebrity Do list contains quite a bit of variety. I can see that you’re a man capable of loving all sorts of different people and certainly applaud that instinct. You’re also a very talented artist and should keep up with the drawings! And I think that the Twilight actress you’re referring to is Ashley Greene. She looks tall to me, although I’ve been told most movie actors are actually quite short.
You have avoided the favourite movie question.
Get off my ass about the movie!!
I don’t have to tell you nothing and I didn’t kidnap nobody!
I will bust your face if you keep hassling me, you pussy!
Easy there, cowboy.
I can see that this temper of yours is likely what got you in trouble in the first, second, third and forty-seventh place, and you know what? Minka Kelly really hates men with anger problems. She opened up about this in an interview she did with Esquire magazine.
I guess you don’t get any magazines in prison. No lots of stuff. Probably just get bibles. Anyway, Minka was hardly wearing a thing in the pictorial and she really, really emphasized just how much she hated dickheads who loose their cool.
If a movie was made of your life it would star an ugly, short dweeb.
I could rip your spine out of your back.
You worst nightmare
My worse nightmares involve mice.
Are you a mouse?
I’m sorry I lost my temper.
My favourite movie is The Green Mile and if somebody were to play me in the story of my life it would be Mickey Rourke because we both like to fight. Could you please send me the Minka Kelly pictorial from Esquire magazine? I would appreciate it very much.
It’s Galaga GOD, not Galaga Guy.
I’ll see what I can do about sending you the Minka stuff, but I have a feeling it’s against regulations. Anyway, you should know that she and Derek Jeter just recently broke up, so you won’t need to rip the spine out of Derek Jeter’s back AND she might just still be on the market when you get out!
God speed, Mothertrucker, God speed!
The Galaga GOD
PS: Good news! Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone was just hacked and naked pictures of her are all over the place! The world is changing, MT, faster and more beautifully than you could ever imagine!