Relax, everyone! You can relax now. I’ve done it. Call off the search. I have found him—the King of Bad Takes.
I stumbled upon a headline on my Twitter feed this morning that made me do a double take. It seemed like such a piece of gibbon-slapped, arsebackwards stupidity that I thought it must be satire. It was this:
And so I had to do it. I clicked through. It turned out the author was sincere. Which on reflection made sense when I noticed that the soiled poop rag of a piece was published in The Spectator—the British mag of choice for conservatives who love their takes served up with a sheen of ‘provocative’ faux-intellectualism.
The Spectator is owned by David and Frederick Barclay, the identical twin brother tax-avoiding billionaire businessmen who also own The Torygraph. It is regularly filled to the brim with garbage takes by reactionary outrage merchants.
And Brendan O’Neill is their king.
Brendan O’Neill’s headlines look like they were written by an algorithm designed to cause an aneurysm in otherwise healthy adults.
Brandon O’Neill’s headlines look like they were scrawled on a bus stop by a punch-drunk Trump voter using his own faeces as ink.
Latest research actually shows that Brondoon O’Nioll’s headlines have had a significant hand in exacerbating global warming.
An old urban myth says that if you read too many of Braughdan O’Neeeeeill’s headlines in quick succession you start to weep liquefied brain matter.
Little known fact: A chimpanzee once sat down at a typewriter and was about to start writing out Macbeth but then it saw a BronzeAge O’Nilly headline and thought, ‘fuck it, the written word was a mistake’, and went back to masturbating in a tyre instead.
Header Image Source: The Spectator