I admit it. I like stuff. Material things. I’m not a “move to a cabin in the woods and live off the land” kind of guy. I like my house, my car, my bike, my computer, my iPhone and, obviously, my TV. I don’t particularly care where I buy things — I tend to buy them wherever they’re cheapest. I suppose I try to avoid places that are renowned for poor employment practices, but I don’t go much further than that.
I’ve bought a bunch of stuff from Best Buy over the years, because they’re close to my house and they have a lot of crap. Video games. DVDs. TVs. Well, I’d like to give Best Buy a little message now:
Go. Fuck. Yourself. With. A. Rototiller.
Because Best Buy has this super awesome new idea. It’s a mobile phone app, and it’s also a tie-in for the forthcoming Steve Carell/Jason Segel animated film Despicable Me, which actually looks quite amusing. The film, not the app. No, the app should be cast into the lake of fire and its inventors should have holes drilled into their genitals and then filled with biting worms. Because in partnership with Universal, they’ve developed an app that’s meant to be used in the theater.
I shall repeat that.
They have developed and app whose intended purpose is to be used in the motherfucking movie theater.
Apparently, it’s supposed to only be used during the film’s end credits, and will provide translations of Carell’s verbally challenged minions. Best Buy also says that the app “automatically dims the mobile screen, silences the ringer and discourages texting.” Oh. That’s so much better.
You know something? That’s a fucking lie. That’s not even remotely better. What drunken, syphilitic, fuckface howler monkey came up with this idea? Who actually put this idea to paper? And then presented it to some sort of supervisor? And then, that supervisor probably presented it to some sort of board or committee, who then sat around and discussed it and then they all agreed that yes, this is a splendid idea. ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE CHAINWHIPPED AND BURIED ALIVE IN FIRE ANTS.
Because you know what? I love movies. I mean — I really, really love movies. Movies and music are the two things that I consume at a ridiculous rate. Way more than books or any other form of entertainment. And you know what else? I fucking loathe going to the movies. I can’t stand it. It gives me hives. This is why I predominately review movies out on DVD. If we’re going to see a movie in the theater, Mrs. TK and I make a point of going late, on a Tuesday night at least two weeks after a film has been released, in an effort to be in as small an audience as possible. When I went to see Splice a few weeks back, I went to a 10:00 AM show to ensure that there would be as few people as possible. I was alone. I literally watched it alone, and I was so happy I almost wept. Because, and this may come as a shock to you folks, I hate people.
My friends seem nice enough, and I love my wife and my parents, and I don’t mind a couple of my co-workers, but everyone else? I despise them. All of you? Hate. HATE. I would hit every single one of you in the back of the head with a shovel if I could get away with it. And the people who DON’T read the website that I write for? I’d throw them down a well, fill it with cement, and then burn down their houses. Goddamn society and it’s fucking rules. People talk in the theater. Why do I have to follow the fucking rules? Answer me that.
And that’s the reason I hate people and I hate going to the movies — because both things routinely combine to absolutely ruin the experience for me. People in the movies are fucking animals these days. Talking. Texting. Answering their goddamn cell phones. Throwing things. Bringing their broods of squirming, squalling brats. Every time one of these things happen, I completely lose my mind. I become the angry old man who yells at kids. Or, on occasion, threatens them with bodily harm.
And Best Buy now makes an app that tells people that their already repugnant behavior is now acceptable. That encourages it. I don’t care that they give the above caveat. Do you think people are going to heed that? There’s a giant fucking message before every movie that asks people to be basic, decent fucking human beings and not shit on the experience for everyone else, and some fuckswallowing marble-brained shit-flinger will always ignore it. ALWAYS. And now we’re developing software that encourages people to take out their phones.
Yes, yes, the app is supposed to have super nifty features that you can also use when the movie comes out on Blu-Ray. Like I give a fuck. The greater issue here are the potential ramifications of this. What if this becomes a trend? Because if it makes a few bucks for the companies, you can bet your ass it will. And then what? Anarchy will reign in the movie theaters, and it will somehow become an even more intolerable experience than it already is.
Goddamn it. Here’s the Despicable Me trailer, by the way.
Oh, and don’t ever buy the service plan. It’s just another way for them to fuck you.
See you in hell.