The Strange History Of Bad Ideas: Human-Chimp Hybrids
Hey, are you mentally and physically prepared to hear about scientists trying to artificially inseminate chimpanzees with human semen? Don’t care — I’m gonna talk about it anyway. Buckle up, buttercups!
So, “humanzees” is the term coined by Gordon Gallup, a biopsychologist at the University of Albany who recently spoke with The Sun. He claims that one of his former professors told him that a successful human-chimp hybrid was born in a Florida research facility in the 1920s:
“One of the most interesting cases involved an attempt which was made back in the 1920s in what was the first primate research centre established in the US in Orange Park, Florida.
They inseminated a female chimpanzee with human semen from an undisclosed donor and claimed not only that pregnancy occurred but the pregnancy went full term and resulted in a live birth.
But in the matter of days, or a few weeks, they began to consider the moral and ethical considerations and the infant was euthanised.”
If that’s true (and it’s a big “if” considering Gallup has no evidence to back up the rumor), it certainly isn’t the only time scientists have tried to make a humanzee. Also in the 1920s a Russian biologist named Ilya Ivanov attempted to crossbreed a humanzee FOR SCIENCE! via artificial insemination — including inseminating female chimps with human sperm (which failed) and inseminating human women with chimpanzee sperm (though luckily it seems he was never able to try that one). Oh, also? He’s nicknamed “Red Frankenstein.” Yup.
The Sun also mentions a reported attempt at creating a human-primate hybrid in China during the 1960s. Though a female primate was successfully inseminated, she died of neglect after the scientists were forced to abandon the project during the Cultural Revolution. Wikipedia has some more details on the origin of that case.
For what it’s worth, IFLScience points out that human DNA is so different from even our closest evolutionary relatives that interbreeding is unlikely. Still, Gallup seems to think it is possible and in fact has already happened. Of course it should be pointed out that Gallup has also theorized that oral sex can cure morning sickness (provided the mother is ingesting the semen of the man who fathered her child). Basically BLOWJOBS ARE GOOD FOR YOU, LADIES. You’re not doing it for the father of your child, you’re doing it for YOU! (If that theory proves true, there better be some research into what ailments cunnilingus can cure for men because fucking SERIOUSLY with this shit?!).
Anyway, newsflash: People love sticking semen in new and exciting locations. But even if crossbreeding humans and primates is possible, we shouldn’t do it, if for no other reason than self preservation. We don’t need to add another apocalyptic scenario to the list of what’s gonna wipe us out someday. Though I’m totally in favor of sciencing up some non-human hybrid animals for funsies! Sure, there are probably still some ethical quandaries to iron out, but at least those hybrids can be put to use saving the Syfy channel money on their SFX budget.
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