Oh, 2011. You were so many things. You were a year of magic, a year of wonder, a year everyone got knocked up. But, mostly, you were really creepy. At least, if you pay attention to celebrity gossip.
And you do. Stop fucking with me.
As we become more clued into the lives and vices of our favorite stars, and our most loathed stars, for that matter, we learn just how beyond the pale fucked up they are. And it ain’t pretty.
5. Stephanie Seymour, her son and her son’s erection.
Stephanie Seymour was a fancy big deal supermodel in the ’80s and ’90s. Now, like most fancy ’80s and ’90s supermodels, she is most well-known for still looking good in a bikini. It would appear young men notice. According to a prayerfully out-of-context and needlessly gutter-minded photo, one of them might be her son. I choose to believe he’s experiencing unfortunate bunching. Because I need to.
4. Lindsay and Dina’s birthday kiss.
Poor Cody Lohan, wishing himself to the cornfield.
Like Stephanie above, perhaps this was merely a lovely mother-daughter moment of affection taken horrifically out of its purity by the filthy minds who look upon its love. Or, it’s nast. I cannot be the one to decide for you. Regardless, there is something sad-creepy about a middle-aged mom who parties just as hard as her twenty-something daughter WITH her twenty-something daughter, and who, when their faces are intertwined, you cannot tell which is which.
3. Fact: Chris Brown is going to kill someone someday.
Back in March, Good Morning America decided it would be an awesome idea to allow Chris Brown, bastion of stability and good values, to appear on their show. It ended well. After being asked questions about Rihanna, questions he’d already vetted and ok’d, Brown stormed off-set, threw a chair through a glass window and took his shirt off. Like lots of angry guys do. I’ve seen movies. I’ve seen Twilight. I know how it works.
This is made list-worthy creepy by the fact that tween girls still want to hit that—and let that hit them—very hard. I hate everyone.
2. SPOILERS - Jimmy and Gillian Darmody…go there.
Seriously, what was with mothers this year?
If you saw the episode, I don’t need to tell you what happened. If you didn’t, you knew it was coming. You hoped it wouldn’t, but you knew it would. And it did. And it felt wrong. Yes, I realize this isn’t “celebrity gossip” but it is pop culture and it is the HBO-iest thing that happened all year. It’s not TV; it’s lots of incest.
1. Something something Charlie Sheen.
I don’t need to recap for you people. You were there. And while violence against women, threats against showrunners and every other thing he did this year was creepy as all get out, nothing is creepier than how quickly he was not only forgiven, but damn near deified as awesome and hilarious. We sure do love crazy. And that’s creepy.