Sit down and tape your eyeholes open, Pajibans. I’m about to remind you
why Mortal Kombat is the best movie ever made. Get out of here with that Street Fighter bullshit. I have neither the time nor the temperance to handle that malarkey right now.
Did Street Fighter have a spectacularly hammy Christopher Lambert? No.
I didn’t even remember this Rayden moment until a recent rewatch (yeah, there have been multiple rewatches, what of it?), but he dramatically informs Liu Kang, Sonia, and Johnny Cage that the entire world will die if they fuck up… then he pauses… then he chuckles. Then he apologizes for chuckling. You can’t make this shit up:
Well, I mean clearly screenwriter Kevin Droney did, but he’s not a (wait for it) mortal man. He must be a god descended from the heavens to come up with things like THE GREATEST MOMENT TEN-YEAR-OLD ME EVER SAW:
YEEEEEAH, SONIA. The weird cackling, though—that was all Lambert. I mean, look at this drama queen:
It’s fucking amazing.
Also amazing: The movie’s cinematographic choices. Yeah, Birdman’s been getting a lot of due praise for its all-looks-like-one-shot thing, but did they have POV shots during fight scenes? To quote Rayden: “I don’t think so. Heh heh heh.”
LIU KANG KICKING YOU IN THE FACE.
LIU KANG CRUSHING YOU UNDER HIS SHOE:
IT’S A CINEMATIC MIRACLE! Much like this exceedingly buff statue:
It’s a bit of a cheat on the “stuff you forgot was in Mortal Kombat” conceit I have going, because this is as much a part of the cultural consciousness now as the moon landing, but I can’t write about this movie and not gush about the nutpunch.
Or THOSE WERE $500 SUNGLASSES, ASSHOLE:
At this point, all the brilliance probably has your head spinning, much like Reptile after Liu Kang utilized his famous bicycle kick:
I get that. Mortal Kombat is an emotionally overwhelming movie. It’s like a plastic bag in the wind… it’s just so beautiful. Look at its beautiful, beautiful Gwar reject:
And this beautiful, beautiful unnecessary flip:
Nothing can really beat Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the unnecessary flips department, but Mortal Kombat does its best. And Mighty Morphin Power Rangers doesn’t have A VILLAIN WHO IS ACTUALLY A SKELETON.
“WELCOME TO HELL, FUCKBOY.”
HE GETS LIT ON FIRE.
AND THEN EXPLODES.
I hope I’ve convinced you that you need to go watch Mortal Kombat again. Twice. Or maybe three times. You should never not be watching Mortal Kombat. That’s the takeaway here. But no Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Fuck that movie.
Rebecca really, really loves Mortal Kombat. You can find her on Twitter. She was the Senior Editor at The Mary Sue, but as of Monday she’ll be moving on to the print pastures of Film Journal International, which is a much more… er… serious publication. I might have to do more cursing and puns and weird shit at Pajiba to compensate. Be ye warned.