A Very Serious Discussion of Which 'Rogue One: A Star Wars Story' Character is Best In Bed
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2016 |
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2016 |
Why don’t we call these things “Dick-scussions” again? I don’t know. Anyway. Like we were going to let a Star Wars movie go by without commenting on its characters’ sexual abilities and proclivities. We did the original trilogy. We did The Force Awakens. We’re not doing the prequels. We have standards. Not high ones, but they are there. It’s like you don’t even know us.
Spoilers, spoilers everywhere.
Rebecca: I’m gonna try not to talk about Diego Luna’s dreamy eyes for the whole conversation, but I make no promises. Let’s start with Rogue One’s one main female character, Jyn Erso. Thoughts? I think she has a reasonable amount of experience, at least. Living la vida loca. Getting into trouble.
Agent X: I don’t get the sense that sex is a high priority for her… or anyone else in the Rogue One cast, really. That said, I feel like she’s gotten around here and there. I feel like she’s confident enough to know what she likes. And I feel like she’d throw you out of bed immediately afterward. Not the cuddling type.
Rebecca:I can’t see her connecting on an emotional level, because canonical abandonment issues, but she’d be pretty good. She is not the flowers and cuddling type.
Agent X: I think she’d be good for her. There is not much indication that she would be overly concerned about what her partner wants.
Kristy: Yeah. She’s pretty shut down at the start. I think she’s a wham-bam, grind out an orgasm and bail girl.
Rebecca: But she was giving Cassian Andor the sex eyes pretty early on, in that elevator scene near the end. Granted, it’s Diego Luna. But.
Agent X: Rebecca.You made it like three minutes before talking about Diego Luna’s eyes.
Kristy: Also, she’s not dead. Leering at Luna is evidence she’s got a pulse, that’s all.
Agent X: Excuse me. She is leering at Cassian Andor.
Rebecca: Well, she’s dead now.
Agent X: Wow, we’re going there.
Rebecca: All the spoilers. Everyone dies.
Kristy: To be clear, we’re talking their bed prowess before they bite it.
Rebecca: We touched on necrophilia in the Disney princes post, and we have no intention of repeating that here.
Agent X: Did we? I blocked that out of my memory. What a horrifying time in my life.
I think if you were to sleep with Jyn, you’d have to insist on your own pleasure. If you don’t, she’ll probably do what she wants and send you on your way.
Kristy: She doesn’t come off as warm or even fun. I think she’d be a very selfish lover.
Rebecca: We know she has trouble relying on other people - she has to focus on her own self because she doesn’t believe anyone else would.
Agent X: Her entire character is built around “can take care of herself, doesn’t care about others, doesn’t stick around.” I don’t see why the same exact traits would not apply in bed.
Kristy: She’s a one-handed wonder.
Rebecca: I think she’d be good. Intense, focused. But yeah, lacking in fun and that romance aspect.
Agent X: And you know what? Good for her. We have too many female characters that are good in bed.
Kristy: BRB - getting more rum.
Rebecca: That’s the way it’s done, Kristy. (Rum, not masturbation.)
Agent X: (Rum and masturbation aren’t mutually exclusive.)
Rebecca: How about Agent X’s #1 man, BenMen? Oh, I’m sorry, Orson Krennic. First off: Orson is the least sexy name ever. I just keep thinking of the pig from the Garfield cartoon.
Agent X: ORSON. KRENNIC. *prayer hands emoji*
Rebecca: That space cape is splattered with so much jizz. Get a fluorescent light on that, it’d be horrific.
Agent X: Why on Earth would it be splattered with jizz?
Rebecca: Or maybe not, IDK. I just like the mental image of Orson jerking off all over his space cape.
Agent X: I don’t think he would jerk off into his space cape. He seems to run a tidy ship. Space Kleenex, please.
Kristy: His name reads as SUPER repressed. He may as well be named Wesley Cumbersnipe.
Rebecca: He has similarities to other people we’ve touched on - Jafar, Littlefinger, Hans from Frozen - in that he’s incredibly ambitious.
Kristy: He wears all white. All day and it’s always flawless. He’s uptight.
Agent X: Okay. So, I read Catalyst, which has sadly few details on his prowess in bed. But! It confirms canonically that he has had “lovers” (male or female, it does not say). But he doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in sex for sex’s sake. It’s all about the ultimate goal. And that he is very, very good at reading people. So I think that he’d be a Littlefinger type, basically.
Rebecca: He’d be good if there were something in it for him
Kristy: He’s probably like those CEOs that pay big for dominatrixes to beat them and insult them.
Rebecca: He seems like he’d be into sex as tension relief. But not particularly into cultivating meaningful relationships.
Agent X: He does have a lot of pride, so I can see him having a weird twisted fetish for being dominated.
Rebecca: Well, we know Tarkin is a foot fetishist. So I can see Krennic being a sub.
Kristy: Agent X, you read the prequel book. Is Orson into Jyn’s dad? Like sexually.
Agent X: I mean… He’s not, but he does seem a little fixated on him.
Kristy: Man. This rum hit me ahead of my dinner. This might get weird(er than usual).
Rebecca: That’s saying a lot.
Agent X: Maybe this will be the night Kristy finally opens herself up to robot sex.
Kristy: I’ve been thinking about sex robots. Because of Courtney.
Rebecca: So: Orson. Not a particularly generous lover, but into kinky shit.
Agent X: I think Krennic can probably be pretty good when he wants to be (i.e., when he needs something, or needs an ego boost). I don’t think he is particularly uptight.
Rebecca: I think he’s one of those who just can’t believe that you did not come.
Agent X: What do you mean?
Rebecca: He thinks he’s better than he is. Related to the ego thing.
Agent X: Could see that. I don’t think he is all that considerate, again, unless he needs something from you.
Rebecca: Like, if you said “stay down there a little longer” he’d get all huffy. We know he doesn’t do well with criticism. He’s super-sensitive and defensive.
Agent X: I think Krennic is one of those people who sees all human interaction as a zero-sum game. So sex would be the same way. Krennic might still be a good time, if your interests aligned with his, but otherwise I don’t think he gives a shit.
Kristy: And while I’m still opposed to the idea of robot sexing in general, if I were to get down with an android, it’s either be Jude Law in AI—he’s literally designed for it and basically a chipper Ken Doll with junk—or Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina. But she’d probably murder me. So my reluctance is really a superior move.
Rebecca: Would you schtup K-2SO? While we’re discussing robots. Because you seem really eager to delve into that topic.
Agent X: Okay, so K-2SO! Diving right into the weird shit.
Kristy: No. Though he does make me laugh. Also, I don’t think he’d have any patience for sex. He seems very irritable.
Rebecca: K2 would quip through the entire venture. And he would criticize you. Which some people are into, fine, whatever.
Agent X: He would. Do we think K-2SO and Cassian Andor have fucked?
Rebecca: I do not think that.
Agent X: They are literally each other’s only friends.
Rebecca: But I also do not think Han and Chewie have fucked. So clearly I’m not always on the same wavelength as you two regarding space partnerships.
Kristy: I’d want to cuddle with K2. Dark humor is great in afterglow. But even if we assumed he’s programmed to fuck, nope.
Agent X: I’m laughing imagining K-2SO having sex. It would be so horrible.
Rebecca: He would grade you. There’d be a running commentary.
Agent X: It would all be passive-aggressive snide remarks. On the other hand, there would probably be percentages involved. And percentages are chart-adjacent. And Rebecca LOVES charts. Bam: calling it here, Rebecca wants to schtup K-2SO.
Kristy: I don’t think K2 has a sex (hard)drive.
Rebecca: Kristy, would you rather have sex with K2, Threepio, or R2?
Rebecca: Fuck Marry Kill
Kristy: I mean at least K2 is man shaped and not annoying as hell. I’d punch C3PO in the face and then bust up my hand.
Rebecca: I imagine Cassian having sex and K2 standing off to the side with those scoring cards like in gymnastics.
Kristy: I imagine Cassian trying to get some alone time with his hand, and being like dude turn around.
Agent X: That I can definitely imagine. But he doesn’t turn around before making another snarky comment.
Kristy: He’d make a Pollock joke, a la Guardians.
Agent X: I don’t think Jackson Pollock exists in Star Wars.
Rebecca: As long as we are talking about Cassian Andor’s dick…..
Agent X: Are we about to talk about the rest of Cassian Andor?
Rebecca: We are. I think he, like Jyn, would be somewhat emotionally closed off. The man is a damn spy. He doesn’t reallydo long-term emotional investment.
Agent X: No. It’s clearly like a first for both of them when they decide to be friends.
Kristy: But he’s very focused when he’s on mission. I think he’d be emotionally remote, but very into it in the moment.
Rebecca: You know, I think Jyn and Cassian would be good together. Or would have been. Because they each know how to take care of themselves and wouldn’t let the other slack off.
Agent X: I think so too, actually. Because I think they’d both know to give each other space and to demand whatever they need.
Kristy: He wouldn’t be all about kissing, or telling you he loves you. But those eyes focused on you as he’s going at it? It’s a win.
Agent X: I think Cassian has had one-night stands. I don’t know that he’s ever had a real relationship.
Rebecca: So Cassian: A bit in his own head, not particularly romantic, nor (I would say) particularly inventive. But I would.
You know I would.
Agent X: Basically. And similar to Jyn, I think he’s probably fine if you’re willing to demand satisfaction, but probably not overly accommodating as a lover, unless you ask him to be. I think he might be a little warmer than Jyn in that regard. A little.
Kristy: I’d buy he’d do what it takes to complete his mission. And his mission is getting you off. He’s a soldier.
Agent X: I don’t think his mission would be getting you off. I think his mission would be to get himself off.
Kristy: He’s all about the greater good! He’s a part of the Rebellion.
Rebecca: I think he’d be more concerned about getting his partner off than Jyn.
Agent X: I don’t think this tracks.
Rebecca: He’s more concerned about other people than she is, if only in a theoretical way. He’d know getting your partner off is the sort of thing you should do, so he’d do it. For great justice.
Agent X: Guys, is this the first time we’ve done a VSD and a female character isn’t the best lay?
Rebecca: And the one female character, too! Unless we want to talk about Mon Mothma. Who: a freak
Agent X: Welp. Are we talking Mon Mothma? If so, please explain why she is a freak.
Rebecca: Yes, let’s do. We didn’t do her the first time (ba-doom-ch)
Kristy: I bet she’d be good. She’s got a real free love vibe.
Rebecca: She’s so calm and her voice is so soothing. I bet she’d be into some weird tantic shit, and/or she’s a dominatrix.
Agent X: … What is this based on
Rebecca: The epic fanfic I’m writing. She’s self-assured, self-confident, knows what she wants.
Kristy: I agree on tantric, not on BDSM. She seems like the kind of woman who would deep breath herself to orgasm without breaking a sweat.
Agent X: What if, since she’s always in charge at work, she likes to be submissive outside of work?
Rebecca: Hmm. I can’t see it. But far be it from me to critique the weird sexual headcanons of others.
Kristy: She seems very self-possessed. Which I think can be a great sign in a partner.
Agent X: She might have it together at work and be a mess outside work, like a romcom character!
Rebecca: I do not want Mon Mothma to be a rom-com character.
Kristy: Imagine her falling down stairs and being like, “Oh gee. I just need some deep dicking to set my life straight.” SPINOFF!
Agent X: You know what, though, I would watch that movie.
Rebecca: OK, let’s go back to Galen Erso, if no one has anything else to say on Mon Mothma? We know very little about him, aside from the fact that he has cheekbones for days.
Agent X: I know about him!
[Editor’s note: This image is not from Rogue One, but we couldn’t not include it.]
Rebecca: Agent X, you have read Catalyst, so we’ll defer to your superior knowledge here.
Agent X: Okay, so guys, Galen Erso is definitively Not a People Person.
Kristy: He had a wife. I am assuming he was more fun before she was murdered in front of him.
Agent X: It is canon that he is basically uninterested in dating when he is younger. When he meets his future wife, Lyra, he basically is so confused about his feelings that he just avoids her and she thinks he hates her.
Kristy: Wow. That’s a bummer/boner killer.
Agent X: I don’t think he’s *mean* to her, he’s just very shy. He is the kind of person who is always up in his own head and, I don’t know, Thinking Science Thoughts or whatever.
Rebecca: Confused about his feelings…?
…his pants feelings….? That’s basically my default state.
Agent X: Yes, his pants feelings.
Rebecca: OK, so, not a natural good lay, but is he teachable?
Agent X: I think he likes Lyra enough that he probably goes along with whatever she wants to do. And she’s more of a confident, friendly type than he is.
Kristy: I mean, when tho? By Rogue One, he’s pretty broken as a person. I feel like he’d weep during. Turn off.
Rebecca: What. No.
Agent X: In the book! Not in the movie that she is only in for about 4 seconds. He is emotionally undemonstrative. I think both in the book, and in what we see of him in the movie.
Kristy: Mads is smoldering. But his character here feels like a wet blanket.
Rebecca: So we don’t know much about him, but: potentially good, not great. Not gonna speak up and ask for what he wants, but will do what you want.
Agent X: I think it’s more “teachable, not great.” I don’t know if he even knows what he wants.
Kristy: I smell Mads bias.
Rebecca: He wants Science. He wants to fuck the Death Star. That’s why he put the exhaust port in.
Agent X: But hey, he’s had sex enough times to produce one child. And Krennic seems weirdly drawn to him. So, yay?
Rebecca: Yes, he has had sex a grand total of one time. At least.
Kristy: Maybe every sperm is sacred. Maybe he’s had sex once.
Rebecca: I’d believe he has super sperm.
[Editor’s Note: there are just not enough Mads gifs in the world.]
Agent X: …
Rebecca: Moving on then.
Rebecca: Saw Gerrera! Can he even have sex given he has clear breathing issues? And has to suck up oxygen from a tube just to get a few words out.
Kristy: Can he bang? He’s on an oxygen tank. It seems a bit of a mood killer/health hazard.
Rebecca: He doesn’t seem like he’d have the time/inclination. Sex doesn’t seem like it’s on his radar much.
Kristy: This is sad. MOVING ON!
Rebecca: Did he have the tank in that first scene, though? I know he’s in The Clone Wars, but none of us watch that, so: Commenters, go wild.
Agent X: I assume he was healthier at some point, and that he looked like a younger Forest Whitaker at that point in time.
Kristy: He’s in Clone Wars? I’ve scratched the prequels from my brain.
Agent X: Clone Wars the TV show.
Kristy: Right. I knew rum. I meant that.
Rebecca: Regardless, he seems too focused on the rebellion. I bet he’d bang an orgasm out solo if he needed to. But a relationship isn’t really in the cards.
Rebecca: How ‘bout some Bodhi Rook? He’s quite skittish and timid. Which aren’t necessarily great indicators of his sexual prowess. But: Looks like Riz Ahmed. But but: Bad hair.
Agent X: You can probably convince him to get a haircut.
Rebecca: Well, he’s dead now, so.
Agent X: They’re all dead, Rebecca.I feel like it’d be like the sexual equivalent of that one scene in How to Train Your Dragon when Hiccup has to hold out his hand for a long time so the dragon will approach him.
Kristy: He’s handsome. But we know virtually nothing. He defected, but why? Is he crazy from thoughtsucking slug torture?
Rebecca: Even less than Cassian and Jyn. Just that he was on the base on Eadu and had some sort of mentor/protege surrogate son-type relationship with Galen.
Agent X: It’s explained in the movie, basically, that Galen convinced him to.
Rebecca: He defected because he always knew the Empire was bullshit, and Galen convinced him to nut up and do something about it.
Kristy: I remember very little about his character.
Agent X: We don’t know much about what he was like before he decided to upend his entire life by defecting, got captured by a bunch of guerrilla fighters, had his brain scrambled by a Space Octopus, and then got dragged into a battle with a scrappy group of Rebels.
Rebecca: Honestly, I can’t even see him being particularly teachable. Or you could, but it’d take a long time. He’d be so shy. You’d direct him to the clit and he’d just sort of curl up into a ball and start shaking. Sorry, Riz.
Kristy: Was he into Galen? I’m just going to keep imagining gay Star Wars characters until some are actually canon.
Rebecca: Nothing is implied either way re: him being into Galen, but I assumed not.
Agent X: I don’t think it’s suggested he is, but I suppose there’s no evidence he’s not! I mean, to be fair, Galen does look like Mads Mikkelsen. So, like, maybe.
Kristy: At the end he’s all like FOR YOU GALEN! He loves him.
Rebecca: Everyone in this movie is gay.
Kristy: In my headcanon, yes.
Agent X: I think Bodhi, at least based on what we have seen, seems shy and inexperienced. But now I might just be grasping at Riz’s The Night Of character because there’s so little of Bodhi in the movie that is relevant to this discussion.
Rebecca: I see “shy and inexperienced.” He was stationed on an out of the way base in the middle of nowhere at least long enough for him to develop a close relationship with Galen. Probably not a huge dating pool there.
Rebecca: Speaking of maybe-gay characters: Let’s wrap up with Baze and Chirrut. Aka the old marrieds.
Agent X: Do we think they’re a couple? I have heard a lot of arguments on both sides.
Rebecca: I can see either way. Personally, I did not interpret their chemistry as romantic or sexual in nature. And I read romantic and sexual chemistry into everything, as you well know.
Agent X: Regardless, they clearly have a very long relationship and are extremely comfortable with one another and love each other very much (platonically or otherwise).
Kristy: I think they are. Maybe only because I was bored and imagining their relationship as romantic was something that kept me interested.
Agent X: Wow, don’t rave about the movie too much, Kristy. ;)
Rebecca: Chirrut has the motherfucking Force. He’s blind, but he can sense your aura and feelings and shit. I think he’d be good.
Kristy: He can also shoot crossbows effectively while blind. The Force would guide him to your Gspot. Assuming that’s his path/interest.
Rebecca: I think he’d be, if not inventive or particularly bold, at least giving and affectionate.
Agent X: I feel like Chirrut might actually be kind of fun in bed. He seems more upbeat than basically anyone else in this movie. He’s clearly good with his body, because he is a goddamn action star.
Rebecca: He’s not an angsty ball of angst like Jyn, Cassian and (in a different way) Bodhi.
Agent X: He seems to be very sensitive to people’s auras and shit. And I think he’d have a sense of humor. He’d be fun!
Kristy: They both manage to have some fun in a war. I bet that comes naturally into the bedroom.
Agent X: That said, he seems to be the space equivalent of a monk, so it is unclear if he has ever had sex.
Rebecca: Baze, on the other hand: a bit grumpy. A bit less patient. But still good.
Agent X: Baze would be so sweet and protective, though! If he decided he liked you, anyway. He seems like the kind of guy who is gruff at first but once he warms up to you he is crazy loyal.
Rebecca: He’d pretend he’s not sweet. Like ARGH I’M SO GRUFF WITH MAH BIG GUN but then he remembers your birthday.
Agent X: If you could convince Baze to sleep with you (and I think he’s probably choosy), he would definitely make sure you get off.
Kristy: I bet Baze is a secret teddy bear.
Agent X: Baze is definitely a secret teddy bear.
Rebecca: Who’s better: Baze or Chirrut?
Agent X: Baze loves to cuddle. Chirrut also enjoys cuddling. I think Chirrut would be better in bed. He seems more fun.
Rebecca: Hmm, and on the experience issue: we know Chirrut venerates the old Jedi ways, so maybe he doesn’t have sex because they didn’t? And look how that worked out!
Agent X: Okay, but he is not a Jedi. He can bone! Maybe? They’re something called Guardians of the Whills. I don’t know what they are or if they have rules about fucking. Star Wars Wiki says they are a religious order. They say nothing about whether these Guardians are allowed to bone.
Rebecca: Screenwriters Chris Weitz and Tony Gilroy, if you are reading this, tell us if the Guardians of the Whills have rules about fucking.
Rebecca: Who do we think are the best? Top three?
Agent X: Chirrut. Then Baze. Then… uh…
Rebecca: Chirrut, Baze…. Mon Mothma? Though not putting Cassian there pains me.
Kristy: I think Cassian is better than Baze. Baze is older. I suspect a bit, not lazy, but less enthusiastic.
Agent X: But Baze would be so sweet. And since he’s older, he has experience!
Rebecca: He seems like more of a hedonist than Chirrut.
Kristy: Baze seems a bit jaded tho. I’d worry that’d sneak into the sheets. He might take you for granted.
Rebecca: Well, so is Cassian.
Agent X: So I think Chirrut, Baze, then… Cassian? And then Jyn? And then Bodhi. Then Galen. K-2SO is last. Krennic is a wild card depending on if he wants something from you (but probably ranks somewhere in the middle).
Rebecca: Guys, Rogue One is so dark that there’s no one we can all point to and wholeheartedly agree that they are great in bed.
Agent X: WE JUST SAID CHIRRUT WOULD BE GOOD.
Rebecca: But we don’t know if he’s allowed to fuck!
Kristy: War is truly a bitch.
Agent X: So fuck it.
Rebecca: Fuck war? Sure, fuck war
Kristy: YEAH. FUCK WAR FUCK WAR FUCK WAR. MORE RUM MORE RUM MORE RUM.
Agent X: Yes. That is the Very Special Message of this Very Serious Discussion.
Need even more Very Serious Discussion posts to while away the holiday hours? Here you go: Disney princes, Disney villains, Harry Potter, the Avengers parts one and two, Game of Thrones parts one and two, Archer, and the hell movie.