A Very Serious Discussion of Which 'Game of Thrones' Characters Are Best In Bed, Part 2
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | June 28, 2016 |
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | June 28, 2016 |
We start part two of our Very Serious Discussion of which Game of Thrones characters would be best in bed (part one) with the one character we know you’ve all been waiting for us to discuss: Margaery Tyr—
Fine. We’ll start with Littlefinger, then.
This Very Serious Discussion was conducted prior to the season six finale. As such, there are NO SPOILERS. All previous VSD posts can be found here.
Kristy: He’d be awful. For one: his name is Littlefinger.
Agent X: Littlefinger would totally do incest to get ahead. Luckily, there are no people related to him on the show.
Rebecca: Now, for the readers, we had a pre-game convo where there was some disagreement about Littlefinger. I think he’d be better than his slimy personality would indicate. Not good, but he has some tricks up his sleeve.
Agent X: I think Littlefinger is exactly good enough to get what he wants.
Kristy: What like solar-powered vibrators? What are you talking about?
Agent X: There is no way a man that single-mindedly determined to get ahead is just not using a major tool he has at his disposal (i.e., his dick).
Kristy: We’ve only established that he’s slept with Lysa. And she’s crazier than a bag of stray cats. She was gaga for him. She probably thought she was coming as soon as his littlefinger got up in her.
Rebecca: Even if Lysa’s standards are way low, we at least know he’s willing and able to use seduction to get what he wants.
Agent X: You think he’s only ever slept with Lysa? That’s crazy talk. He runs a brothel! You don’t think he ever samples the merchandise?
Agent X: What kind of terrible shop owner doesn’t sample his own merchandise? That’s just bad business.
Kristy: He said he doesn’t. There was a whole sexposition scene about it.
Agent X: Said he doesn’t to whom? Do we believe him?? He lies about everything!
Kristy: To Ros—-the sex worker who got shot by Joffrey. And why would he lie about that? There’s no motive. She’s just a prostitute looking for work. He doesn’t need to be like “I don’t fuck” to convince her of anything.
Agent X: I would also believe that Littlefinger might be the kind of guy who does sleep around but is like “yeah, but that doesn’t count.”
Kristy: There’s no narrative reason for Littlefinger to lie about his number. He uses other people’s desires against them. I think he abstains so that sex has no power over him. But of course that never works, so he kills Cat’s husband.
Agent X: I don’t think he would be tempted by sex. I think he would be willing to sex other people for his own gain (and tell himself that since he was doing it for money/power, it “doesn’t count” and he’s still loyal to Cat).
Kristy: I’m unconvinced.
Agent X: I think Littlefinger would rather be seen as some sort of twisted romantic than admit to a stranger, for no reason, that he’s just another sleaze. If Littlefinger sleeps with someone, do we think he’d be good?
Kristy: Okay, for the sake of argument. Let’s say he’s laid more than Lysa. Still no. He’s a dude whose only real concern is his own desires.
Agent X: Yes, but you don’t think he’d be willing to get you off if he thought it could get him something? His defining characteristic is that he’s good at playing the long game.
Rebecca: Littlefinger came from nothing. He’s willing to use anything at his disposal, including clitori. Clitoreses?
Agent X: It’s actually “a murder of clitori.” Like crows!
Kristy: I imagine he’d be like those kids growing up who talked nonsense b/c they had no real experience. “Yeah, I totally shoved my balls in. She loved it. Do that.”
Rebecca: Speaking of people who are awful in bed. My boy Stannis.
I think we can all agree here?
Agent X: Awful awful so awful. Yes. 100%.
Kristy: He’s so bad his children don’t even want to live to meet him. Too far?
Rebecca: He views sex as an obligation, and a distasteful one at that. He views vaginas with suspicion. Robert told him about the clit once, and he thought he was being mocked.
Kristy: To be fair, I bet his wife’s a weeper.
Agent X: I bet that man has a calendar where he schedules sex (because he has to do his duty), and I bet if a woman insists on getting off, he keeps track of who got whom off and keeps an even tally.
Rebecca: This is Stannis’ o-face:
Kristy: “You’re fertile. Get on the bed, wife. Accept my girth.”
Rebecca: But yeah, I agree that it’s not like Selyse is good, either. I don’t think she’d even know the difference b/t good sex and bad. She keeps her fetuses in jars.
Kristy: I think she’d think of it as a duty, and not a fun activity.
Agent X: He clearly has sexual desires, though, because he was suuuuper into Melisandre. And not just because the thought of killing his brother got him hard.
Kristy: Yeah, but he came in like a heartbeat.
Agent X: Yeah. Because he’s not used to having halfway decent sex!
Rebecca: And because it had been forever.
Kristy: Which is half his fault.
Rebecca: Selyse had Shireen, and Stannis was like “ok, good, that’s it, i never have to have sex again”
Agent X: No, he does though! He for sure wants a son.
Kristy: Well, when she keeps her miscarriages in jars….can you blame him?
Agent X: Yikes, imagine trying to fuck someone with all these dead fetuses staring at you.
Rebecca: And his castle is all cold and DAMP. Not sexytimes ambiance.
Kristy: Just knowing they exist would be too much for me. It’s like the only thing worse that Bieber’s tattoo of his mom on his forearm.
Agent X: You guys, is this the most depressing Serious Discussion ever?
Rebecca: Game of Thrones, y’all!
Rebecca: OK, who would be good in bed?
Agent X: Good and not fucked up?
Kristy: I think Davos would.
Agent X: Davos is a Neville.
Rebecca: He had, what, seven sons? His wife ain’t sad. (Until they all started dying.)
Agent: Well, maybe a little wilder than Neville. He used to be a pirate or something, right?
Agent X: Well, a smuggler. Close enough! My man is willing to walk on the wild side.
Rebecca: He’s been to some places, he’s seen some things. Fingering’s a little weird post-chop, but he makes do.
Kristy: So is this when we wonder if he and Stannis have ever Chewie-and-Hanned?
Agent X: No, because they haven’t.
Agent X: I can’t imagine Stannis would go for it.
Rebecca: I am entirely willing to believe that Davos would be down. But Stannis would not. Nor would he go down. Ever.
Agent X: I don’t think Davos would be especially into it, but I think he’d be more open to at least considering it. But Stannis, never. Too rigid. (And I don’t mean his penis).
Rebecca: If we’re entering into Chewie-and-Han territory, your whole thing is that they went long periods without sex, so they’d be receptive.
Rebecca: And Davos, as a smuggler, is by the same logic probably not averse to sex with men.
Kristy: There was a siege.
Rebecca: Yeah, but Davos was outside the castle, not inside.
Agent X: Pajiba, asking the important questions: “So Did Davos and Stannis Fuck Each Other During the Siege or What”
Rebecca: It was Davos showing up that ended the siege! They could not have fucked during the siege! But yeah, Davos is lowkey great. Just not as great as…. Oberyn Martell.
Agent X: Well, obviously. Oberyn is our goat. [Ed. note: Acronym for “Greatest Of All Time,” or else Agent X is into goats.]
Kristy: Oh, Oberyn.
Agent X: “Oh, Oberyn” is also what everyone in Westeros says 10 seconds after they meet him
Rebecca: I’m trying to think of a way in which he wouldn’t be good, and I’m having a hard (heh) time coming up with anything. He has sex with a lot of women (and men), but then he raises the kids afterwards—clearly there’s no bad blood with the mothers. He doesn’t climax and then jump out the window. Everyone’s just happy they got a piece of his dick before he faded off into the night.
Kristy: Oberyn would be good. But real talk: DOES HE EVER TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF!?
Agent X: I SHOULD FUCKING HOPE SO.
Kristy: But in all those sexy scenes, he’s totally clothed. It’s cruel.
Agent X: But look what he’s hiding under there!
Kristy: Oh, that swagger.
Agent X: Exhibit A.
Rebecca: Do you mean to tell me we could have had Oberyn Martell in a striped speedo?
Agent X: Imagine if instead of fighting to the death, Oberyn Martell and the Mountain had decided to strip down to their swimsuits and wrestle.
Rebecca: He’s adventurous, caring, hot.
Kristy: Oberyn would be down for anything, but not into monogamy. But I’d want more nakedness than he seemed into in the actual show.
Agent X: Oberyn sleeps around, but he seems pretty upfront about what he wants. Like, it’s not as if he’s cheating on Ellaria. She knows what this is, and she’s into it.
Rebecca: It doesn’t seem like he leaves a trail of broken hearts in his wake. The dornish are into polygamy. It’s fine. Here’s the part where I admit that I haven’t really seen any of the Dorne stuff.
Which, based on what i’ve heard, I’m not all that sad about. So… the dornishmen…….. eh?
Kristy: The Dorne stuff is lame. There’s no reason to mention it, really. Oberyn was the best they had to offer.
Agent X: Remember the time Oberyn Martell did a sexy music video with Heidi Klum?
Rebecca: Does Prince Doran still have the gouty legs in the show? The gouty legs aren’t sexy.
Agent X: Yes. Well, he was just sitting down all the time.
Kristy: But even before that - did we know enough about him to even know?
Agent X: But he was very handsome.
Kristy: He seemed very stoic.
Rebecca: His whole thing in the books is that he’s cautious to a fault, which doesn’t spell “great in bed” to me.
Agent X: Let’s get the fuck out of Dorne. Kristy’s right, Oberyn was all Dorne ever had to offer.
Rebecca: None of the Sand Snakes or Ellaria would be good?
Kristy: Ellaria would probably be. She’s passionate. But I’d also buy that’d she wouldn’t respect boundaries.
Agent X: Dorne is the place where this Emmy-winning line of dialogue was spoken: “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” Emmy. Winning. Dialogue. Seriously.
Rebecca: What porn nonsense is that
Agent X: That is what the show’s version of Dorne is.
Kristy: Ugh. The snakes. I’m not sure how old they are supposed to be. Can we just skip them?
Agent X: Let’s get the fuck out of Dorne, guys. The show did. We should too.
Agent X: I cannot imagine Renly is any good. He seems so spoiled.
Rebecca: Renly’s very bravado-y, I think. He and Loras had a good thing until shadow vagina baby, but I can’t imagine he’d be all that considerate with anyone else.
Agent X: I feel like Loras was doing all the work.
Rebecca: It was very yes-my-liege?
Agent X: All babies are vagina babies, technically, no? Except c-sections, I guess.
Rebecca: I keep remembering that time during the Purple Wedding where Loras straight-up acknowledged to Jaime’s face that everyone knows he fucks his sister. Loras will always be in my good books, if just for that.
Kristy: I think Loras and Renly are good together. They seemed patient and playful.
Rebecca: They were both pretty young, too, right? They were learning together. It was fine. Stannis isn’t content to cockblock himself, he has to cockblok other people by killing their manfriends.
Kristy: I don’t imagine it’d be groundbreaking banging. But I bet they made a good go of it. Young, dumb and full of cum. What’s that from?
Agent X: Point Break. The ultimate gay love story!
Kristy: Theon. He was never good.
Rebecca: He thought he was. Boyyyyy howdy, did he.
Kristy: I know he banged a bunch of girls everywhere he went. But he paid for them. Even the captain’s daughter - she was trying to buy her way off that ship.
Agent X: Theon is definitely the guy who wants the girl to keep saying he’s the biggest dick she’s ever hand, and believes it every single time.
Rebecca: He believes he’s a sexual wunderkind. Whereas Podrick Payne actually is.
Agent X: He pays prostitutes to have sex and then when they tell him he’s great he takes it as a sign of his prowess rather than as a sign of good customer service.
Rebecca: And then, afterwards…. is he ever gonna have sex again? Keeping on-brand here, he’s majorly fucked in the head. And a lot of that internal fuckery is explicitly tied to sex. I think he’d probably have panic attacks or something.
Kristy: I don’t think he’ll live long enough to.
Agent X: I don’t think he wants to have sex anymore.
Rebecca: His dick has been through enough. Let his metaphorical dick have a rest.
Kristy: Yeah. I think he sees himself as shameful and broken.
Agent X: And I think it would take a lot of therapy to get him to the point where he would want to.
Rebecca: And Yara’s not the “sit down and have a chat about your emotions” type.
Kristy: He’s probably a nevernude now. Do they have cutoffs on the Iron Isles?
Agent X: I hope for his sake they do. *tear* There are dozens of you, Theon. Dozens!
Agent X: Yara is canonically the “give Theon a drunken pep talk and assume that will fix everything” type.
Rebecca: Yara would totally go to a strip club with him and buy him a lap dance. Yara, who is canonically, in the books, into BDSM rape play-type stuff.
Agent X: Is she?! I did not remember that.
Rebecca: Yyyyyyyyyup. And it’s been hinted at this season that she’s into girls, too? (I have not watched all of this season.)
Kristy: Hinted, ha!
Agent X: Not just hinted. It’s canon.
Kristy: She’s VERY into girls. She hits on Dany. New ship launched. It is known.
Rebecca: Adventurous, knows what she wants and willing to take it.
Agent X: Yara is probably all about the bragging.
Rebecca: Not necessarily with the cuddling or the “communication.” I can imagine her snapping at you if you don’t perform up to par.
Kristy: But she also let her brother feel her up. So she’s maybe too adventurous.
Agent X: “Let your brother feel you up” certainly is the definition of “Too adventurous,” I think. she’s probably fine. I think she herself probably thinks she is great.
Rebecca: I think she’s better than a lot of the other people on this show.
Agent X: That is a super low bar, but sure.
Rebecca: Simply by virtue of not having hangups out the wazzoo.
Rebecca: PODRICK, GOD DAMMIT. IT’S TIME TO TALK ABOUT PODCIRK. Podcirk. What. Podcock.
Agent X: Well, he’s canonically ~*the best ever*~. Which is nonsense. That makes about as much sense as Jon Snow inventing cunnilingus. It’s canon, but it’s silly.
Kristy: Pod was bound to be good at something.
Rebecca: What was it, he lost his v-card with hardened King’s Landing prostitutes and he ~rocked their world~?
Agent X: Yep. It’s nonsense that Game of Thrones thinks two complete virgins are automatic maestros at the fucking just because they’re good guys.
Rebecca: I keep hearing Danny DeVito in It’s Always Sunny saying “MAGNUM DONG.”
Kristy: Here’s my thinking on that: Pod is defined by his desire to do his very best at every task put before him. He’s often undervalued and overlooked. But he is a scrapper, and unrelentingly patient and generous with himself. I think these things—plus his natural desire to please—would make him a contender for GOT GOAT lay.
Agent X: “Enough with the goats, Agent X,” you said.
Rebecca: That makes sense. I see him as being the Neville. Not particularly adventurous, but teachable. He knows there are things he’s not good at, and he’s willing to learn and accept guidance from the masters. (As with Brienne and his combat training.)
Agent X: I think he could eventually be a GoTGOAT lay. I just think it’s weird that a person who has never had sex before would be that good the first time out. That’s like if a person who’s never picked up a tennis racquet before beats Serena Williams one-on-one.
Rebecca: It is deeply silly.
Agent X: Thank you.
Kristy: I also suspect Pod was more respectful than their typical clientele. But I agree, it does seem a blatant “the fans need something good to happen. Um….Pod’s peen is magic.”
Agent X: THANK YOU.
Rebecca: I’m not sure if it’s canon, but it makes sense that Podrick would have been raised in a household full of girls.
Agent X: …So you’re saying he fucked his sisters, or…????
Rebecca: He doesn’t look down on women like a lot of GoT guys do. STOP IT WITH THE INCEST.
Agent X: IT’S GAME OF THRONES. “Stopping it” with “the incest” is not in the spirit of GRRM’s material.
Rebecca: i’m just agreeing with Kristy that he’s respectful of women, and doesn’t think of them as being these alien creatures compared to men.
Agent X: Okay, all that said, I do believe Podrick is a quick learner and a hard worker and would be great eventually. Maybe he should have sex with Brienne and cheer her up. She always looks so sad.
Rebecca: Oh my God. Imagine Podrick in that scenario, though. He’d keep calling her “Ser.” He’d try to take off her armor for her. She’d be all awkward. It would be hilarious. The foreplay would last for five minutes, and then Brienne would get fed up and tell him to go away, and they’d never speak of it again.
Kristy: That makes me sad.
Agent X: Okay, fine. Imagine if Brienne started to maybe think about Tormund “like that,” and she very haltingly brought this up to Pod, and then he was in the position of having to explain sex to Brienne.
Rebecca Are you insinuating that Podrick Payne should give Brienne The Talk?
Agent X: Yes. If Brienne is gonna learn, it might as well be from the best.
Rebecca: Some Pajiban had better write that fanfic.
Agent X: Please and thank you Pajiba.
Rebecca: Tywin Lannister? Does anybody have thoughts on his fuckability?
Agent X: Oh God. I’m too scared. My vagina just folded in on itself because it was too scared of the prospect of sex with Tywin.
Rebecca: I can’t even see him having sex, despite the fact that we know he did with Shae.
Agent X: Well, Shae, and also the mother of his three children, whom he canonically liked a lot.
Kristy: He’s so cold it’d be like fucking an icecicle.
Agent X: Bronn. Selfish lover for sure, right? I don’t think it would ever occur to Bronn to care if the other person is getting off. Like, if you want to get yourself off while you guys are doing it, he won’t mind. But it would never occur to him to try and do it himself.
Kristy: Yeah. I mean, he’s had only one-night stands that we know of, right? He has no reason to please ‘em.
Rebecca: At the same time, I feel like Bronn’s fucked a lot of wild ‘n’ scrappy women who would take matters into their own hands somewhat. Seems like his type.
Agent X: To a point. He would still want to come first.
Rebecca: While i agree that he wouldn’t care too much about the other person, there’s still potential there for some good times.
Agent X: Margaery Tyrell is definitely great at fucking.
Rebecca: Marg with the magic vageen.
Agent X: She’d be very careful to only sleep with people who would be discreet.
Kristy: I wonder if she’s all seduction.
Agent X: Do we think Olenna is the type of woman to have taken Margaery to a prostitute to teach her about sex?
Rebecca: Please. Olenna told Marg all about that shit herself. Olenna knows all.
Kristy: Hm. Maybe. After all, the Queen of Thorns did bang her sister’s intended to steal him away.
Agent X: Not just tell her about. Like how Dany learned to fuck from prostitutes. I think Olenna knows exactly how valuable sex can be as a tool in your arsenal, and would absolutely want her granddaughter to wield it well.
Kristy: But I think Bex is right. It’d be the realest sex talk in all of Westeros. No sex workers brought in. They couldn’t be trusted.
Agent X: True, true.
Kristy: And Olenna knows her way around.
Agent X: I think Margaery takes after Olenna and makes it her business to be good at sex (or at least seduction).
Rebecca: It’s a job skill!
Agent X: I think with Margaery, you would never know if she was being genuinely affectionate or if she was just trying to manipulate you. But she’d put on a good show.
Rebecca: Good in the short term, not in the long term.
Agent X: I think Margaery would be exactly as good in the long term as she needs to be.
Rebecca: Does anyone have any opinions at all on Robb Stark, Ned, or Catlyn? I have to secretly confess that I find the Starks boring so i’m a little bit eh. They’re all sort of the Hawkeye to me.
Kristy: Hm. I think Robb would be fine.
Agent X: I think Robb and Ned are probably both fine.
Rebecca: They’re fine. And good. And good and fine.
Agent X: Catlyn is probably a little better. They are all probably not super exciting.
Rebecca: Catlyn would be too serious for me.
Agent X: Ned is too serious for me!
Rebecca: They’re all too serious for me. And that’s why they’re dead. Their subpar fucking skills.
Agent X: You think Ned ever takes his hair out of that little half-pony?
Rebecca: At least it’s not a manbun.
Agent X: Hey, I like Zombie Jon’s little manbun.
Rebecca: Jon Snow would have a manbun
Rebecca: Tormund, Osha, Ygritte, Sandor: Any opinions?
Agent X: Good, good, good, not good.
Kristy: Sandor - is he a virgin?
Rebecca: I cannot for the life of me imagine who he would have had sex with.
Agent X: I would believe he’s been to a brothel.
Kristy: I don’t think I would. He’s so shut down.
Agent X: But I do not believe he’s been in a relationship.
Rebecca: But I also imagine that Joffrey bought him a prostitute one time, out of faux concern about his Hound’s lack of game. And because he’s a sadistic little shit.
Kristy: Joffrey hurts prostitutes. He doesn’t hire them.
Agent X: Eh. He’s a warrior. I believe he’s been dragged to a brothel, maybe, plausibly. But I don’t think sex is a thing he really thinks about very much.
Rebecca: I think he’s gone to a brothel, but I think he got really drunk first.
Agent X: Yeah, I can see that. Even with his crush on Sansa, it seemed to be less about sex than about romantic fantasy.
Rebecca: He goes along with the motions in a lot of ways. He’s clearly not into being a knight, but he does it, because it’s What You Do. I can see himself availing himself of the services of a prostitute for the same reasons, but I don’t think he enjoyed himself.
Kristy: Osha and Ygritte, I think, are fine. Passionate, kinky, fun. Tormund - I want to say he’d be stellar. But I admit I’m swayed by Kristofer Hivju’s swagger this season.
Agent X: Osha and Ygritte: Above the Wall is like the Dorne of the North. No one has any inhibitions.
Kristy: Tormund bragged about fucking a bear. I don’t know what to do with that.
Rebecca: Wait no.
Kristy: That’s true.
Rebecca: Tormund’s a bear rapist?!
Kristy: I think it’s a bullshit story. I think Tormund would thrill over a partner who could match his stamina and enthusiasm. Brienne is one for two so far. Because we know she could not match his enthusiasm.
Agent X: Hmm. If Tormund had been in that arena with Brienne and the bear, who would he try to fuck first? Would he try to broker a peace, get a nice little threesome going? Do we think The Revenant would get Tormund hard?
Rebecca: i don’t even know what I can say to that.
Agent X: (:
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