A Very Serious Discussion of Which 'Game of Thrones' Characters Are Best In Bed, Part 1
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | June 22, 2016 |
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | June 22, 2016 |
No, we don’t know how we’ve gone this far without doing a Very Serious Discussion Game of Thrones post, either. The show is one half tits, one half dragons, after all. Because there are so many (so, so many) Thrones characters, we’re splitting this most academic, post professional evaluation of their respective sexual prowess into two parts; you can expect part two on the whateverth of whatever, whatever, fuck you, you’re not my supervisor.
Rebecca: To start with some rules and regz: When we discuss Jaime and Khal Drogo, we’re discussing their book versions. As those versions are not rapists.
Agent X: I like that my gchat still has the text from our last convo, including this gem: “Truly, you are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) of people.
Rebecca: I feel like that applies to Jorah Mormont.
Agent X: Jorah Mormont is the TMNT (2014) of people, or Jorah Mormont is a rapist? I’m confused.
Rebecca: Jorah Mormont is the TMNT (2014) of people. He is the worst. At everything. Including sex. Fuck it, let’s start with Jorah Mormont. I feel like we can all agree there.
Kristy: He’s awful.
Kristy: Jorah would treat every moment so preciously that foreplay would take a fucking week. No. Mothers of Dragons has places to go, people to free.
Rebecca: People to *fuck.
Kristy: He also hates himself. So I don’t think he’d be able to let loose.
Agent X: Is he the “would definitely cry during sex” of Game of Thrones? If there’s anything I’ve learned from our past chats, it’s that there’s always one.
Rebecca: Plus show Dany is what, early 20s? Not to say that an age difference in bed is necessarily a bonerkiller, but I feel like she’s in a different place, sexually, than him. She’s all wild and crazy college student, and he’s candles and mood music and crying mid-coitus.
Agent X: Would he cry because he’s filled with self-loathing, or because *it’s so beautiful*, or both?
Rebecca: Jorah crysterbates over Dany. As far as I’m concerned, that’s canon.
Kristy: I don’t think Jorah would cry. But he’d jizz dust now, right? Turning to stone and all.
Rebecca: Well he is
Agent X: …. and I’m out. Bye. It’s not the pun that hurts so much as Rebecca’s all-consuming smugness.
Rebecca: I’ve been holding onto that one for weeks, you have to let me enjoy it.
Agent X: I think Jorah would make an effort with Dany, but not with anyone else. Like, he’d go down on her and try to treat her like a queen. But any other person? He’d treat like trash because they aren’t ~special~ to him.
Rebecca: Jorah is simultaneously filled with self-loathing and kind of a self-involved narcissist. Bad all around.
Kristy: M’ladying aint sexy. Shame. Because Iain Glen is hot.
Agent X: He’s probably the guy that puts his crush on a pedestal and thinks all other women are just dumb sluts.
Rebecca: He is a Nice Guy (TM)
Agent X: 100%.
Kristy: Dany is great, now, right?
Agent X: Daenerys is good enough in bed that Khal, who is a known man-slut, was happy with her performance.
Agent X: She literally learned that trade from professionals.
Kristy: She got like third-wave-feminism/sex positive lessons. She’ll introduce reverse cowgirl to Westeros!
Rebecca: I was gonna try to make some overarching character assessment about how Dany’s less good in bed than she thinks she is, because that’s Dany all around. But nah, she’s legit good. At this, at least.
Agent X: Daario will have taught her a thing or two, too. And she seems pretty good with making her needs / desires known and taking what she wants.
Kristy: I think her prowess in bed is the one part of her ego that totally lives up to the hype.
Agent X: I think she can be “that good” if she makes an effort. I don’t know that she feels the need to make an effort with most of her conquests. Like, I imagine giving Daario a blowjob is not high on her list of priorities, whereas receiving from him is.
Rebecca: How about Khal Drogo, non-rapist version?
Kristy: Book version, still not great.
Agent X: Book version is good enough to get Daenerys, who was nervous and scared and entirely new to sex, super duper turned on.
Kristy: I feel like Dany was taught how to be responsible for her own orgasm. I don’t think Khal wouldn’t care. I think he doesn’t even know women can come.
Agent X: Granted, book version still looks kind of like Jason Momoa, I assume, so…
Kristy: I take back everything I just said. I’m getting my Drogos crossed. Agent X is right. That sex scene in the book, he’s very patient. He makes a distinction between sport fucking and making love to his wife for the first time.
Rebecca: Don’t the Dothraki literally throw down and fuck on the ground? There’s not much romance there. Drogo literally never had to make an effort at all.
Agent X: In the show, he like literally doesn’t know about positions besides doggy style, right? Isn’t it a plot point that Daenerys is like “maybe we can fuck face to face” and he’s just like O_O MIND=BLOWN. Which is sad! When missionary is a position so exotic you can’t even imagine it, that’s sad.
Rebecca: He’s great when he wants to make an effort.
Kristy: He’s GGG. [Good, giving, and game]
Agent X: So… maybe good at foreplay, and game for anything but not super imaginative?
Kristy: Not imaginative, but down to explore.
Rebecca: I can’t see him being suuuuper invested in non-Dany partners, though? I don’t think his one-night stands are particularly good for the lady. He just wants to come and go talk about horses and some shit.
Agent X: I think Drogo, like Dany, can be good if he wants to be, but also that he usually doesn’t care. I can see him being the kind of guy who takes pride in satisfying his woman. But I also don’t think it’s his be-all end-all or anything.
Rebecca: It’s on his terms. If he feels like it.
Agent X: Exactly. Not like, say, Jorah, who you just know will whine if you don’t come.
Kristy: I think Drogo was pretty progressive for a Dothraki. I bet he was proud to make his woman orgasm.
Rebecca: I think Grey Worm is better than Jorah. And Grey Worm doesn’t even have genitals. And his name is Grey Worm. That is not a sexy thing to yell.
Agent X: Grey Worm would use all the other tools he has at his disposal. For sure.
Rebecca: Grey Worm has things to prove. Sexy things.
Kristy: I don’t think Grey Worm has any love of his own body, though.
Agent X: Sad but true. I think you could teach Grey Worm. I think he would be very teachable.
Kristy: He’d be (maybe understandably) really distracted by his situation, and not be able to easily embrace the non-genital sex play.
Agent X: Maybe a little shy and reserved, especially at first, but if you could draw him out of his shell I bet he’d be good.
Rebecca: It would take patience, but I think he could get there. And his situation doesn’t mean he wouldn’t love his partner’s body. He adores Missandei, right?
Kristy: He does. And I’d wager she knows about things like oral and fingerbanging. But look at all the prompting to get him to tell a joke!
Agent X: That one’s an investment. But one that pays off because I bet he’s also affectionate and loyal.
Kristy: I root for them. But I don’t think that ship will sail.
Rebecca: He’s a cuddler.
Rebecca: Keeping it in Meereen: How’s Daario? Once you get past the STDs, that is?
Agent X: Very good. Daenerys can have any pretty thing she wants, and she’s stuck with him. He must be good.
Rebecca: I hate to say it because he’s such a sleaze and not my type, but he’d have to be good, right? He has experience. Dany won’t let him be lazy.
~*~Daario and the magical dick~*~
Jorah looking in through the window
single manly tear
playing a lute
Agent X: I think, though, like Drogo and Dany, he only makes an effort if he feels like he has to, and he doesn’t always feel like he has to.
Kristy: Ugh. He’s like a then-times Adam Levine. He might be great, but he’d totally bone you, your sister, then brag about how he gave you the clap.
Agent X: Yeah. Even with Dany, that’s more like a friends-with-benefits situation than an actual deep relationship.
Adam Levine is probably terrible.
Kristy: Can I grudgingly accept that he’s good, but I still don’t want any piece of that. Those naked lady daggers? Daario is a douche-bro.
Agent X: I bet Adam Levine brags all the time about how bitches can’t get enough of his cock, but most of them are actually kind of bored and grossed out.
Rebecca: To finish up in Meereen: Missandei. We kind of touched on her. She’d be good.
Kristy: Has she had experience? I’m afraid to think on it.
Rebecca: I feel like she’d be serious, focused, patient.
Kristy: Serious. I do not want someone serious in the sheets.
Agent X: She’s probably good, and less shy than her beau (Grey Worm). But I also can’t imagine her really letting go and being wild and free.
Kristy: She’d be caring, patient, warm.
Agent X: I think she would be more skilled than passionate, and to the extent that she is passionate it’d be more of an emotional thing (love) than a physical thing (lust).
Kristy: You could do worse, whatever her experience level.
Rebecca: I can’t see her really cutting loose and getting wild, but that’s probably best for Grey Worm. Don’t want to overwhelm the poor boy.
Agent X: Aw. I do like that ship.
Rebecca: They’re both gon’ die.
Agent X: I hope those non-crazy kids have crazy sex together.
Rebecca: BRIENNE OF TARTH. Canonical virgin, right?
Agent X: I am pretty sure Brienne is a virgin, yes.
Kristy: Yes. Definitely.
Rebecca: I think, for all she’s a great, graceful fighter, that confidence in her body’s ability would not translate well to sexytimes.
Agent X: Agree.
Kristy: Not at all, because she’s been bodyshamed her whole life.
Agent X: I don’t think she’s particularly comfortable in her own body, or with sex and all the weirdness that comes with it.
Rebecca: She’s kind of an awkward person when she’s not kicking ass.
Agent X: I don’t think she would be the type to cut loose, either. Like… ever.
Kristy: The only guy who treated her nice was gay. He was that safe high school crush. She knew it was hopeless, so it didn’t hurt that he didn’t want her back.
Agent X: She’d be a really, really good girlfriend. But not a great lay.
Rebecca: I can’t see her even wanting to have sex, really. Like, it doesn’t work in my head. She has oaths to fulfill, there’s no time.
Agent X: She’s very kind and sweet and loyal to a fault. But it’d require a lot of tenderness and patience to get her up to par on sex.
Kristy: But I believe she could learn. She’d need to see herself as desirable first. AND YOU KNOW WHO COULD HELP WITH THAT!?
Agent X: TORMUNDDDDDD.
Rebecca: Tormund clearly wants to sex her body, and she’s all like who’s this ginger weirdo.
Kristy: She can’t even comprehend he wants her!
Agent X: I SHIP IT.
Rebecca: I just can’t see her taking the time to get down with the sexness during the show, though. With all this other shit going on.
Kristy: This is why we have fanfic.
Rebecca: Theoretically I think it could happen, but I don’t think it will. *coughJaimecough*
Agent X: I think if anyone could break through Brienne’s shell, it would be Tormund.
Kristy: If they set that up and it goes nowhere, I will burn this place to the ground.
Agent X: She needs someone to help her chill out. And he’s so unself-conscious and easygoing and fun, I think he could eventually coax her into letting him climb that like a tree.
Rebecca: It’s cute, but if it happens, it will seem out of place for her chcaracter
Agent X: It would be a long process. They would have to become friends first.
Kristy: I don’t think she’s like “into” Jaime in that way though.
Rebecca: Yeah, Jaime’s too fucked up and damaged. I ship it ~*~emotionally~*~, though.
Kristy: I think they are both confused because they see each other as people, and not these tabloid headlines titles everyone treats them as.
Agent X: I don’t think her relationship with Jaime is necessarily romantic or sexual, but I think it’s the closest she’s gotten to wanting someone besides Renly. Because they have a strong emotional blond, whether platonic or not.
Rebecca: Bronn ships it.
Agent X: He does. And Pod will too, just you wait and see.
Kristy: Well, she’d have to be dead not to be attracted to cleaned up Jaime.
Agent X: Eh. Jaime is so messed up!
Rebecca: I think she has a sexytimes dream about him and wakes up horrified.
Agent X: … But then later finds herself thinking about Jaime when she’s trying to fall asleep?
Rebecca: Yesssss. Confused by these pants feelings.
Kristy: Book Jaime. Not “maybe”—but definitely—rapist Jaime. I think if you’re not Cersei, it’d be awful.
Agent X: I think Jaime is very, very good at knowing what Cersei wants, and has zero experience with anyone else.
Rebecca: Do we think he’s ever had sex with anyone besides Cersei?
Agent X: No. I think he actually talks about how he’s been faithful to her his whole life. Like, I think it’s canon.
Kristy: She cheats on him like whatevs. But he doesn’t want his blondey Lannister seed in anyone else. It’s romantic in a really gross sense.
Rebecca: The experience of that co-dependent, super fucked up relationship with a super fucked up and selfish person doesn’t quite translate to more normal stuff.
Agent X: I think the thing I said about how even if Brienne isn’t necessarily attracted to Jaime like that, it’s the closest she’s gotten, goes the other way around too.
Kristy: So, is he good at sex with Cersei?
Agent X: I think he’s good at sex with Cersei. You think she wouldn’t fix that shit if he weren’t?
Rebecca: I feel like Cersei’s just… weird, sexually. Jaime’s good at pleasing her, but if he tried that shit on another woman she’d be like WAIT HOLD UP.
Kristy: I feel like she degrades him during sex.
Agent X: I think Cersei is probably too damaged to have a good, healthy sex life. I feel like she degrades him because she doesn’t know how to have sex without being a messed-up power dynamic.
Rebecca: Yeah, Cersei was the subject of repeated sexual abuse from King Robert. And she fucks for power. She fucks when she wants something, and I think that applies to her interactions with Jaime, too.
Kristy: But then she fucked Lancel. So, she does it just for fun—or maybe stress relief—too. I’d buy that she has sex like some women do yoga. “Oh, this fucking week. I need a session.”
Rebecca: In the books, she did start up a sexual relationship with a woman because she was bored.
Agent X: I think sex and power are inextricably linked for Cersei, in ways that can be helpful but can also be extremely damaging both to her and her partner. I say “can be helpful” in the sense that it helps her fulfill her other ambitions.
Rebecca: She’d have zero concern for her partner’s feelings and needs.
Kristy: So she’d be into master/slave stuff then. But with her always the master.
Rebecca: So is she the Bellatrix, then?
Agent X: Maybe not quite that far, but I don’t see Cersei being able to have sex without thinking in her head about what the power dynamic is. I don’t think she’s the Bellatrix. I think it’s something a lot sadder. I think in a weird messed up way, Jaime is the most healthy sexual / romantic relationship she’s had. And that’s the one that the world tells her is wrong.
Rebecca: OK, third Lannister sib: Tyrion.
Agent X: He sleeps around a lot, so surely he must be okay by now.
Rebecca: Tyrion has a chip on his shoulder and shit to prove. He’d be aces.
Kristy: He’d be great. If he doesn’t black out from all that booze.
Agent X: Ha! Whiskey dick would be a real problem. Yes. For sure.
Kristy: Plus, he’s so proud of his being an outsider, I think he’d be open to whatever.
Agent X: He’s also slept around a lot, and with whores specifically. I can’t imagine he would be at all uptight or prudish.
Rebecca: As is the case with Jaime and Cersei, though, there’s some shitty stuff in his past re: sex and romance that would make it difficult for him to properly relate to a partner, in the long term. Between Shae and Tysha, his history with actual relationships is very much not of the good.
Agent X: It’s true, it’s true.
Kristy: I miss drunkard horndog Tyrion. Without the sex, his drinking just seems sad.
Agent X: I think he would be good in bed. I think he would have a hard time accepting love. Not that anyone in the GoT universe is offering to give him any.
Rebecca: If you stick around too long, he gets skittish.
Kristy: Well, he wasn’t skittish about Shae.
Agent X: I think because he kept telling himself she was just a whore.
Rebecca: Yeah, but then she fucked his father and he killed them both. If he didn’t have intimacy issues before, he sure as shit does now.
Kristy: True true. But he came by them honest. Also, as disgusted by Tyrion as his dad was, I’m stunned he shared a woman with him.
Agent X: Let’s not forget, too, that he was married to Sansa, who always treated him with disgust and hatred. (Understandably so, considering her history with that family, but that’s still gotta be unpleasant for Tyrion.)
Rebecca: So good in the short term, but not boyfriend material. He’d be adventurous as shit and up for anything.
Agent X: He’s a guy you have fun with. He’s also a really honestly decent guy, at least as far as men in the GoT universe go. But he would have serious emotional issues if things ever got more serious.
Kristy: Oh, Sansa. She deserves better than Westeros will give her. Seriously, there is no man on the show—save maybe her bastard brother—who deserves her. The dudes suck.
Agent X: Oh no. Are you a Jon / Sansa shipper?
Rebecca: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE.
Kristy: I’m just saying Jon is a good guy.
Agent X: But you just said…
Kristy: I’m saying all the good men are dead, and you two are gross. And I don’t think Jon has much sexual chemistry period, so no. Not shipping Stark incest.
Rebecca: While we’re on the subject: Jon Snow.
Agent X: Ygritte taught him some stuff!
Rebecca: In the book and the show, he ~*~invented cunnilingus~*~, which I think is hilarious. Like no. No. I reject your reality. Trying to make Jon Snow ~*~sexually suave~*~ is a non-starter.
Kristy: I get it - he’s into oral. GOOD. What else you got?
Agent X: So, it’s actually canon Jon is good in bed. He INVENTED CUNNILINGUS. We can argue all day, but it’s actually canon Jon is good! Which makes no sense.
Kristy: Also, imagine Jon Snow “O face.” Or Jon Snow dirty talk. “I just wanted to kiss you down there!”
Rebecca: I feel like Ygritte probably only had pre-Jon sex with assholes who tried to lord over her. And then there was Jon, who was nice and inexperienced and who let her take the reins. So he was what she needed right then, but he still wasn’t necessarily good.
Agent X: Do you think Jon keeps that same resting bitchface when he’s fucking.
Rebecca: Jon Snow’s o-face:
Agent X: OK, OK. I think Jon is probably fine. And hey, he’s willing to INVENT CUNNILINGUS, so he’s at least a little creative / adventurous. But I think he would be all broody. Like “no, stop it, I can’t have sex with you right now, I’m busy thinking about my dead father.”
Kristy: And how’s his titty play? HOW I ASK YOU!
Rebecca: I can’t see him cutting loose and having fun. When was the last time he smiled?
Kristy: I don’t even know if he has teeth.
Agent X: What the fuck you guys. Kit Harington has teeth. Stop it.
Rebecca: Does he, though? Does he?
Agent X: Saying “does he though, does he” does not make it untrue. [ed. note: Doesn’t it, though? Doesn’t it?]
Rebecca: Now his oath is officially over, right? So he can, in theory, get funky without angsting about how he’s not supposed to?
Kristy: But with who? There’s no women around he’s not related to or are children.
Agent: The show wants him to get funky with his sister. I’m not saying I approve. But it’s the way things are going.
Kristy: Don’t encourage this madness.
Rebecca: I feel like I’m the only sane one here. It’s an odd feeling.
Agent X: You’re not the only sane one here, or anywhere. Don’t worry.
Kristy: I guess there’s Melisandre.
Rebecca: He’s not gonna fuck the crazy fire priestess. I may not think he’s great in bed, but I think he has some standards.
Agent X: Melisandre is good in bed. She has to be. It’s part of her job.
Kristy: Her tits are spectacular. I don’t care that they are bewitched.
Agent X: And she can make shadow babies. That’s a really nice party trick right there.
Rebecca: Lots of experience, from being centuries old.
Rebecca: Now she’s the Bellatrix.
Rebecca: Now she’s the Bellatrix.
Kristy: Totally. She’s a praying mantis.
Agent X: She’s a little less crazy than Bellatrix. She would only kill you on purpose. Not on accident. This is like Archer all over again…
Kristy: She’d fuck you for your blood magic, and then where do you end up? A never-ending boat ride into oblivion. Poor. Gendry.
Agent X: Gendry is probably not very good in bed, but he probably does have really great arms.
Rebecca: Gendry has Popeye arms, from all the rowing.
Kristy: Definitely not good in bed. But I’d give him a shot. I’m a gentlewoman like that. He’d be eager like a puppy.
Agent X: I would give it a shot just to run my hands up and down those washboard abs. Remember the time he put Arya through puberty? She was his Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.
Kristy: But I bet you’d literally have to show him where things go.
Rebecca: He was a hot young apprentice in King’s Landing. Girls were all over him. He knows where things go.
Agent X: He hasn’t fucked anyone in several seasons, he’s been in that boat by himself.
Kristy: No. No.
Agent X: You think he’s fucking fish?
Rebecca: …….I didn’t say that.
Agent X: Why would you go through the trouble of fucking a fish when your own right hand is right there? Be reasonable, Rebecca.
Kristy: No bestiality. I can’t believe I need to say this again.
Rebecca: At least I don’t ship Jon and Sansa like you two weirdos.
Agent X: I don’t ship Jon and Sansa. That’s Kristy. And also the show itself, I am TELLING YOU.
Agent X: A+ gif work, ladies.
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