This is the point in the season when the fantasy football season is over and you’re either in the playoffs or muttering to yourself about how Larry in HR beat you to picking up the Rams defense, thus causing you to lose last week.
Larry. You yutz. Nice rainbow tie ensemble you got there, pal. What are you like a goddamn kid’s birthday party magician on the weekend or whatever? And how exactly do you decide which embarrassing rainbow tie fits the occasion, huh? Is it like “I get to tell everyone that their health benefits are being scaled back at the beginning of the next opt-in period. Oooh I’ll wear the rainbow tie with smiley faces at the ends!” Goddamn Larry. That’s proof of how no one in HR really does anything anyway. Because I was in a plus delta project review meeting (on an actual tier 1 revenue generator) and when I come out the Rams defense is, like, vanished. Larry! Aren’t you supposed to be, like, working? Shouldn’t you be doing an exit interview that you then “edit” into a love letter that the person never said? When Amanda Wu left the company she said that the CIO was a “fraudulent liar” and when your typed up interview came out it said that he was a “friend of the Friars.” You wanna play that way, Larry from HR? You wanna lie and steal the Rams D on your way to the middle? Fine. That’s just fine. I’m starting my draft prep for next year right now. Right this second. You dick. I’ll show you. Oh, I’ll show you alright…
That’s roughly 60% of the roughly 38 million fantasy football players in the country this morning. The ones who didn’t make the playoffs. What’s that? You didn’t know there were roughly 38 million fantasy football players in this country and roughly 48 million worldwide? Well, it’s true. And I know that because the internets told me.
What is fantasy football, anyway? Well, you know how HYDRA was like a shadow organization inside S.H.I.E.L.D.? Fantasy football is like a shadow organization inside of football. It’s usually made up of people who are three to four times as intelligent as the average football fan. Which isn’t saying much, obviously.
So what IS fantasy football, really?
Fantasy football is the process of “picking” players that you think will perform well on the following game day and assigning point values to their performance. For example, if a running back that you chose runs for ten yards you would get one point, or .10 point per yard. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. You pick players and then you get points based on how much ass they kick.
“So…why do you have to actually watch the games?” says every non-fantasy football significant other in the U S of A.
Because! That’s why. Be-fucking-cause.
“Yeah but you already picked the players. It’s not like you can do anything until the game is over, right?”
Are we? Are we gonna do this again?
“Do what again?”
I just. I can’t.
“Sorry. I know. The game is starting! Lock the children in the basement! Hurry! Daddy needs perfect silence to see if a child molester runs for three yards!”
Child ABUSER. Not child molester. Ugh! Don’t make me defend that piece of-
“They’re you’re people.”
They are NOT my people.
“Well, they’re not my people.”
They’re not either of our people.
“But you watch them every week.”
Oh I’m sorry! Didn’t you just spend three times my fantasy football league dues on a five hour spa treatment?
“Oh, I’m not entitled to a little relaxation?”
You are! That’s my point. This is my relaxation. It’s just spread out on-
“Every Sunday, Monday and Thursday for half the year. Yelling things like ‘C.J. Spiller I wish someone would throw a glaive into your chest?’ “
Yes! I mean, no, it’s only for seventeen weeks.
“I don’t know what that is. I’m not sure it’s a thing.”
Ohhohoho. It’s a thing alright.
“So, seventeen weeks, huh? You don’t watch football in the preseason?”
Okay like 21 weeks.
“Or the post season?”
Yeah but there’s no fantasy during that time.
“So, you don’t watch? No playoffs? No Super Bowl?”
Okay fine. Like 29 weeks.
“And you don’t read up on training camps during the summer? You don’t do draft prep?”
Okay okay! Jesus! Thirty six weeks. Just about like thirty six weeks. Or like forty.
“And you don’t watch the rookie scouting combine? Or Pro-days?”
Forty three weeks. Give or take.
“Or the NFL draft?”
That’s only three days!
Fine. Forty eight weeks. Total. And that’s like a grand total. With exaggerations built in. But there’s definitely a month after the Super Bowl where I’m totally sick of football. Like, I don’t even click on a single football link.
“And you honestly don’t see a problem with any of this?”
Problem? Yeah. I do see a problem. Fucking Larry from HR grabbed the defense I was trying to ride into the postseason and now I’m not even in the show. Do you know how that feels? Six more points and I was in. Do you understand that? Six points. With like the cushiest first round playoff matchup in years. Literally years. We could have won like three hundred and fifty dollars.
It’s not nothing.
“How much would we have won if instead of watching football you used that time to say, work at Home Depot?”
Listen I’m not sure, but I love you and you make some very salient points and I promise, I swear to all the Egyptian Gods that I’ll think about this, but right now-
“But I thought you were eliminated?”
Well, yeah. In my main league. But I’m in a few other leagues…
I love you honey! Honey? Okay. Finally. A little piece and quiet. OH MY GOD DEVIN HESTER! HOW DO YOU NOT TAKE THAT TO THE HOUSE!?? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL!!! AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!
And that, folks, is fantasy football. Have a great week.