A Serious Discussion of Which Disney Villain Is Best In Bed
By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle, Agent X | Miscellaneous | September 21, 2015 |
By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle, Agent X | Miscellaneous | September 21, 2015 |
Rebecca, myself and our dear Agent X had a serious discussion about the sex lives of Harry Potter characters. And instead of shunning us, you weirdos encouraged our sordid speculation. So we got the band back together to weigh in on the bedroom prowess of Disney’s villains.
Rebecca:OK, so no animals (let’s not go there), and we can axe lesser Disney villains whom we do not remember/know.
Agent X: C’mon. We’re not gonna do Scar? He’s voiced by Jeremy Irons for god’s sake.
Rebecca: I don’t necessarily want to think about the mechanics of lion fucking. Plus there’s the weird thing where he’s the gay villain stereotype. He’s a very swishy lion.
Agent X: I just thought he was British. Okay, okay. No Scar. But for the record, he’d probably be… hmmm. Too vain to be good in bed.
Kristy: For the record. Done.
Kristy: Okay, so let’s begin with Ursula.
Agent X: Are we only doing human Ursula? Her human form is cute, if obviously evil looking.
Kristy: Yes, because we’re avoiding animal sex and I don’t understand how octopuses do it—just human Ursula.
Rebecca: If I don’t wanna think about lion sex, I DEFINITELY don’t want to think about octopus sex.
Agent X: I can’t imagine human Ursula is very good at sex. She doesn’t know how her equipment works!
Rebecca: I feel like there was definitely some seduction action going on with Eric, though. Now whether she followed through is a different story altogether.
Agent X: Sure, but once she has him in bed I feel like she’s like “Wait. Shit. Hang on, gimme a sec to figure out how this thing works.”
Rebecca: The top half is the same, though.
Kristy: The “body language-ha!”. Ursula knows how to get down in any form.
Rebecca: I’m just saying. There are. THINGS. She could have done without [her lack of below-the-waist anatomical knowledge] being an issue.
Agent X: You’re saying Eric titty-fucked her.
Rebecca: I was thinking oral sex, but that works too.
Agent X: I’m surprised you think a woman who didn’t even OWN A VAGINA, or have ANY REASON to see one before like TWO DAYS AGO, would have any idea how to use it.
Rebecca: I feel like, even if she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s confident enough that it wouldn’t necessarily be an issue. She’d just power through.
Kristy: I’m with Rebecca. Ursula is fueled on being comfortable in her body. I think that’d translate to her human incarnation.
Agent X: Okay, okay. If we assume she’s had some experience, sure. I can see her being good. I can see it making the person feel like shit afterward when they realized they’ve been used (‘cause girl does nothing without expecting something in return), but I can see her being good in bed. And adventurous, if it helps her get what she wants.
Rebecca: Plus, she’s so ambitious. She wouldn’t let a thing like not having a snatch before trip her up. I see her as being Bellatrix light. Selfish, all fun, no emotional connection whatsoever, but not so horrible and scarring and bad.
Agent X: Yes, exactly.
Kristy: Okay, so moving on. (sticking with a nautical theme) Captain Hook?
Rebecca: Oh man Captain Hook. Him and Smee got it on. Y/N?
I mean, there are no girls around.
Kristy: I can’t say that’s ever occurred to me. But I mean, historically it makes sense.
Agent X: Yes, totally. Who else are they gonna do it with?
Rebecca: I read once that, in Hook, Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins intentionally played it as if Hook and Smee were an old married couple.
Kristy: Gay sex was a big thing in pirate times. I’m told by a historian friend.
Agent X: It’s situational homosexuality.
Kristy: But is Smee happy with this sex? I’m guessing Hook is a selfish lover.
Agent X: I was gonna say exactly that. Also you have to be really careful not to get scraped up by that hook. I bet there have been a few accidents.
Rebecca: Also this is the guy who played Hook, so let’s keep that in mind when we think about him getting nasty.
Agent X: That is an incredibly exciting hat.
Rebecca: Thinking about the Hook/Smee relationship makes me sad, because you’re right, there’s such a power imbalance there. Do you think Hook has to wear an oven mitt over his hook during sex, because of the injury thing?
Agent X: I think he SHOULD. I don’t know if he DOES.
Rebecca: What if the hook used to be his dominant hand? Did he have to re-learn how to comfortably masturbate?
Agent X: Yes.
Kristy: Well in Hook he can just unscrew it, so that’d be my guess. Maybe he has alternate more suitable attachments.
Agent X: hahahaha
Agent X: I love the idea that sometimes he pops off the hook and replaces it with, like, a Hitachi Magic Wand.
Rebecca: Ye Olde Sex Toyes?
Kristy: So maybe game, but definitely not good?
Rebecca: But agreed, he definitely forgets sometimes and Smee gets banged up. And now I’m sad about Smee.
Agent X: I think he’s too selfish to be a good lover.
Rebecca: He has an obsessive personality. So I think maybe he has difficulty losing himself in the moment.
Agent X: Mm, true! I guess if you could convince him to channel that obsession toward you, it’d be fantastic. But that’s a big if.
Rebecca: And the other pirates set up a ticking clock outside his cabin just to fuck with him mid-coitus.
Agent X: LOL. Well now you’re just writing smutty Peter Pan fan fiction.
Kristy: Speaking of dicks with tiny sidekicks: Gaston.
Rebecca: There was this Buzzfeed post a while back on the dicks of Disney men, and I believe their conclusion was that Gaston has a tiny dick. DISCUSS.
Agent X: This is supposed to be SERIOUS JOURNALISM, Rebecca. OBVI. OBVIIIII.
Rebecca: Gaston has some serious overcompensation going on.
Kristy:I don’t think he’s small. I think he thinks he’s the biggest in all ways all around.
Rebecca: And there’s definitely no manscaping AT ALL. Which some people are into, so whatever.
Kristy: Gaston thinks he’s the ideal, which is why he goes entitled and violent so fast and hard. Which I’d assume makes him all about getting his rocks off, fast and without any thought of his partner’s pleasure.
Agent X: Do we think Gaston is probably a date rapist?
Rebecca: Oh absolutely. It doesn’t even occur to him that someone else wouldn’t want it. He thinks he’s god’s gift to lovers.
Kristy: Totally. Gaston doesn’t understand Belle’s rejection, I don’t think he’d be great on consent or communication with a partner.
Agent X: He’s maybe the Gilderoy Lockhart of Disney villains, but worse.
Agent X: Do we think he and Lefou have boned?
Rebecca: You know he’s gotten down loads of times with those triplets, who fawn all over him. They fake it ALL THE TIME. I think he’s boned all three of those girls at one time and Lefou watched and got hard and was really uncomfortable about it later.
Kristy: I fear the fan art that’s inspired. (Not a request for porny comment links).
Agent X: I think Gaston probably does have dick issues because I wouldn’t put it past him to use steroids.
Kristy: In old timey France?
Rebecca: In a high school AU he’d be a roider, definitely, and therefore have a tiny dick.
Kristy: But size isn’t a guarantee of good or bad times.
Agent X: No, that’s true. But I am sure he needs his partners to tell him how big he is.
Rebecca: He jerks himself off in front of a mirror CONSTANTLY.
Kristy: I think the real issue is his garbage personality making him garbage in bed. Unless you’re into two-pump Johnnies.
Rebecca: Gaston’s a major manspreader.
Agent X: “Two pump Johnnies” is not a phrase I had ever heard, but I love it.
Kristy: How about Jafar?
Rebecca: Hmmmm. I feel like he’d be better than Gaston? Still not great on consent. But he’s done some freaky shit.
Kristy: I don’t know that I think Jafar’s very into sex.
Agent X: But he’d do it for power. He’s like a Game of Thrones character that way.
Rebecca: I can see him going into a brothel and, essentially, hiring women to fawn all over him and pump up his ego. In a sex way.
Kristy: I know he Slave Leia’s Jasmine, but I don’t believe it’s for his pleasure, more for the status. Like ‘I made her a sex thing, I am bigger and more POWERFUL.’
Rebecca: I see some childhood insecurity issues there, maybe?
Kristy: As a kid I thought he was gay. So when Jasmine flirted with him, I was like “this won’t work.”
Agent X: I don’t think it occurred to me to consider his sexual orientation as a kid.
Rebecca: He’d still HAVE sex, though, I think. It’s just be more about status than enjoying himself, physically.
Agent X: We generally agree he’s more lusting after power than like actual sex.
Rebecca: And he doesn’t give a shit about his partner’s needs.
Agent X: Maybe only insofar as it’ll get him what he wants. Like, he’ll do that weird thing you like if he can hold it over your head and make you give him stuff.
Kristy: Him being gay has no bearing on his prowess, just on me not buying he’d be banging Jasmine. But yeah, I guess for the royalty power thing. Babies mean a line of heirs and all that.
Rebecca: So he was lusting after Jasmine not because of her bod, but because she was subjugating herself to him.
Kristy: I think dominance gets him going.
Agent X: Correct.
Kristy: That’s my thought.
Rebecca: Is there any Disney villain who’d be good?
Agent X: What about Maleficent?
Kristy: Oh yeah!
Rebecca: I feel like maaaaybe Madam Mim from The Sword in the Stone?
Kristy: I’d buy that.
Agent X: Or one of the weirdos from Alice in Wonderland. They seem like they might be kinky.
Rebecca: Maleficent is evil McGonagall. She knows what she wants.
Agent X: Yessss.
Kristy: Mim would be dirty, playful. Maybe a bit unhinged.
Rebecca: She’d be incredibly enthusiastic.
Kristy: Maleficent, I can see sex being her outlet for frustration. She’d know what she wants.
Rebecca: I didn’t realize when I was a kid, but young, booby Mim is probably the most sexualized Disney villain there is.
Kristy: Very true. She’s living and loving it.
Agent X: Freeboobin’. No bra.
Yes you CAN, Mim.
Kristy: She does it with the lights off.
Rebecca:Young Mim is hardcore, though. She created that body specifically to be hot. She knows what’s what, and she’s going to get down with it. She’d be FUN.
Kristy: And she likes to play. Though she might bite.
Rebecca: And she’s totally turn back into old Mim halfway through just to fuck with her partner, which is a risk you’d have to take.
Kristy: How about Cruella de Vil?
Rebecca: I can’t even imagine Cruella loosening up enough to have sex. She’s so tightly wound, has to be in control all the time.
Kristy: Very high strung.
Agent X: You’d probably have to do it on a Dalmatian fur rug, and then she would keep yelling at you not to stain it.
Rebecca: I think she’d get up after five minutes and try to start coming up with better ways to kill more puppies. “I’m on a SCHEDULE.”
Kristy: I imagine her having Mommy Dearest hook-ups, angry drunk one-night stands. You got to relieve the stress of puppy murder plotting.
Rebecca: “Bark for mommy!” Has she ever tried animal play or nah?
Agent X: Oh god.
Kristy: Wow. For her that’d be next level twisted. Like it puts its lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Agent X: You mean like bestiality, or like furries?
Rebecca: No bestiality, ew, not gonna go there. Puppy play sort of stuff. Making her partner pretend to be a dog.
Agent X: Ohhh. I don’t know if she’d be open enough to admit she wants that.
Rebecca: Agreed. Now I AM imagining furry Cruella de Vil, though.
Agent X: She does not strike me as an emotionally open person.
Rebecca: I see Lady Tremaine (from Cinderella) like that, too. Not open enough. (Metaphorically, that is. Minds out of the gutter.)
Kristy: I could see her hook up with Claude Frollo from Hunchback. SHAME sex.
Rebecca: OH GOD FROLLO. The only one whose Disney song was about how he wants to fuck someone.
Agent X: So sex with Frollo ends in tears, yes?
Rebecca: Impotence, impotence everywhere.
Kristy: Yeah, he weeps and then hates YOU for it.
Agent X: I bet he’s actually crazy kinky. Like, in his head, he is probably into some fucked up shit.
Rebecca: But completely fucked up in the head about it. HATES himself, obviously.
Agent X: He’d push you to do it, and then hate you for agreeing.
Rebecca: Religious sexual fantasies?
Agent X: Oh GOD, yes.
Rebecca: And he accuses everyone else of having a dirty mind because he does, like those state senators who double down on homophobia despite making liberal use of airport bathroom gloryholes.
Agent X: Eeeeeexactly.
Rebecca: You know who would be fun?
Rebecca: Yzma from Emperor’s New Groove. Once upon a time.
Kristy: You think?
Agent X: I bet she was WILD in her day.
Agent X: Perfect gif is perfect.
Kristy: I love Yzma, but even on a rollercoaster she has stank face.
Rebecca: Don’t judge a woman for not liking rollercoasters. Maybe she had a bad sexual experience on one.
Rebecca: Like Jafar, she gets off on power. In fact, isn’t she like female Jafar, essentially, re: being the kings’ second in command and always trying to overthrow him?
Agent X: She’s a woman who knows what she wants and will do what she needs to get it. Plus she has Puddy from Seinfeld just hanging around all the time, so I feel like maybe that’s her type of dude.
Kristy: I bet in her wild youth she was fun, dominant and passionate.
Rebecca: She likes man candy?
Agent X: Is there any other reason to keep someone that stupid around? He’s well meaning, but really stupid.
Rebecca: Good point. I’m imagining her and Gaston now.
Kristy: Hm. There was a line about that, like she’s had a series of Kronks. She has a type. ” And let’s not forget Yzma’s right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year’s model is called Kronk.”
Rebecca: I’m feeling a little bad for Kronk, now. I’m imagining that she’s very demanding in bed, never quite satisfied.
Kristy: He got a straight-to-DVD sequel, he’s fine.
Agent X: He’s like the medieval equivalent of a hot pool boy from a trashy soap opera.
Rebecca: Hans from Frozen? Let’s do this.
Agent X: Hans from Frozen is pretty good in bed I bet.
Rebecca: Awful. Like with Ron (Weasley), insecurity issues from having so many older brothers.
Kristy: I want to say he’s bad because I hate him?
Agent X: He knows how to seduce a lady. He’s confident.
Rebecca: He’s good when he WANTS to be good, I’ll give him that. When there’s something in it for him. Or something in SOMEONE ELSE for him, heh heh.
Agent X: He doesn’t really seem to have self esteem issues - I disagree with you guys on that front. He’s just practical about the fact that having eighty older brothers means he’ll never inherit the throne.
Kristy: But he wouldn’t even kiss Anna even when he knew he didn’t love her so it wouldn’t matter. But he clearly has experience with women, he plays Anna like a fiddle.
Rebecca: I don’t know, I just see him being selfish in bed. He’s a hot dude. He could have gone off and found power through legitimate means, but instead he tries to steal it, because he’s a lazy fuck who likes to take the easy way out.
Kristy: I bet he’s gotten around. He’s charming.
Agent X: Yep. He’s probably tried seducing lots of powerful women. Which makes me think he is probably pretty good in bed, actually.
Rebecca: He could have actually married some hot, powerful chick!
Kristy: I bet he’s banged loads of like servant girls. Yeah, I’m with Agent X on this.
Agent X: I don’t think he necessarily enjoys it, but he probably knows what he’s doing.
Rebecca: Ehhh. Fine, you’re bringing me around.
Kristy: I think he takes his allure as a source of pride.
Rebecca: Even though I hate the dude. He’s just such a weaselly little dick. But the minute there’s nothing in it for him, he stops putting in the effort and doesn’t give a shit about you at all.
Agent X: I read somewhere that the actor auditioned by singing “I feel pretty.”
Kristy: He’s still a douche, but he’s got good dick. That’s my estimation.
Agent X: Yep!
Kristy: Mother Gothel(From Tangled)?
Rebecca: Man, all these Disney villains have power issues in bed.
Agent X: Well, that’s the driving force of literally every Disney villain. They’re all Slytherins.
Rebecca: True, true.
Agent X: Oh man, she would be a terrible girlfriend. Soooooo manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Kristy: I bet she’s got a side-piece outside that tower. She’d totally neg her prey.
Rebecca: But outside of an actual relationship, though? Could she be good at one night stands? Like Ursula, I feel like she’s aware of her body. She’s old, right? She’s been around for ages?
Kristy: She is. Ages.
Agent X: She’s not, like, Yzma old.
Rebecca:Very vain, with the whole “My youth, my yoooooouth!” thing.
Kristy: I bet she’d be really specific on angles. Nothing that makes her boobs fall funny.
Agent X: Like Jessica Lange in an American Horror Story plotline, that one.
Agent X: So maybe under the covers with the lights out?
Rebecca: Gotta get the proper lighting up in here. No, no, artfully placed lamps and gauzy scarves.
Kristy: She’s very aware of her lighting.
Agent X: You’re right. She’d need the other person to see her and tell her she’s gorgeous.
Rebecca: “I will only have sex at the magic hour.”
Agent X: I imagine that is also how Michael Bay has sex.
Kristy: Brush her daughter’s hair, get young and glowy—go to the Snuggly Duckling and get some.
Rebecca: I can see Michael Bay and Mother Gothel fucking.
Rebecca: They’re both so self-absorbed that it might work.
Agent X:…. so can I. Weirdly.
Kristy: Also explosions.
Did we miss your favorite Disney villain? Sound off in comments!