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A Serious, Definitive Assessment Of Which Avenger Is Which Drink

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | November 15, 2016 |

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | November 15, 2016 |

Do you know what we all need right now? In light of what’s been going down and all?

A stiff fucking drink.

Because a drink is good.

You know what else is good? The Avengers.

That’s a good enough segue for me!

So, which Avenger is which drink?

Captain America is…


Solid. Dependable. If done right, out of this world and the best damn thing to happen all day (The Winter Soldier/any Czech beer). If done wrong, a bit of an uninspired mess but fundamentally still a pretty good time (The First Avenger/Heineken).

Black Widow


Clear-sighted and focused, it’ll look the bees knees and act cool, but approach it the wrong way and it’ll fuck you the fuck up and leave you dangling off a precipice with your limbs all tangled up. To a lot of people it deserves to be famous in its own right, rather than just when mixed with others.

The Hulk is…

Wray & Nephew rum.

Wray & Nephew smash.

Thor is…


Very, very nice in small doses, but no-one has really figured out how to make it last, or stand on its own.

Iron Man

The entire fucking drinks cabinet, Tony!

Black Panther is…

A fine single malt.

It looks good, it does the job, and while some people might be unsure of it at first, everybody soon wants to be its best friend.

Hawkeye is…

That drink that someone always brings to the party that no-one really drinks so you’re left with it hanging around the house for ages afterwards.

Falcon is…

Gin & Tonic.

It’s fine, I guess. It’s nice to take a break from your main drinks now and then to have a G&T, but ain’t nobody setting up camp there.

Scarlet Witch is…


Everyone claims to understand its inner workings and the extent of its powers, but no-one is really sure. Those who try to tame it invariably get fucked.

Dr Strange is…


An aesthetically-pleasing mystical property that should not be indulged in without being prepared for a bit of a trip.

Bucky is…

A White Russian.

Because that made me laugh. Yes I know that applies more accurately to Black Widow. Shutup.

Spider-Man is…

A Mojito.

Energetic and colourful, it can vary from badly made and gratingly unnecessary to absolutely delicious and essential.

Coulson is…

Mulled wine.

Warm and fuzzy, it’s the bringer of a joyful, friendly buzz with a hidden kick.


Petr Knava
lives in London and plays music

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.