Hey, fellow White Dudes!
How’re you today?
Trick question! I know you’re great, you little scamps! You’re White Men!
Okay, sorry, sorry, I know some of you might not be that great today. It is a Tuesday after all — the doldrums of time where the glory of the weekend past has firmly receded and the freedom of the weekend to come has yet to appear on the horizon — so I know that everyone is perfectly entitled to be a bit shitty today. How about a compromise then: whatever the cause of your shitty mood or shitty Tuesday situation, I bet at least that it isn’t a result of your skin colour or gender?
A whole swathe of you just then mildly recoiled in confusion and incomprehension; the idea of having a shitty day because of your skin colour or gender probably hadn’t even entered your mind.
Think how great that is! Like, that’s already a helluva bonus, right? That you don’t even have to factor those things into your every day thinking (even though I know, I know: increasingly it just seems like everyone is trying to make us think about this all the time! Even on an innocent pop culture site like this one, they bang on and on about the movie industry not having enough representation from other races and not enough of a gender balance behind the scenes. Can’t they just leave us White Men alone and untouched as the Natural Default State Of Human, With Divine Diktat To Rule All?)
Or maybe I’m being presumptive, in which case I apologise again. Maybe the whiteness does have a part to play in your not-entirely-great mood today. Maybe you’re still reeling from that recent ethno-psychic earthquake we all felt a few days back. You know the one I mean. The Beyonce-shaped one.
Remember? She dropped her black-roots-embracing Formation video, and a whole bunch of people who share our skin colour got outraged and afraid.
And then those black propagandists and renegade social justice warriors at SNL decided to make fun of this fear:
AND THEN Kendrick Lamar goes and does this!
Well, don’t worry, for I am here to assuage your fear and ameliorate your anxieties with great news!
Billboard recently ran a list of the 100 most influential people in music, and lemme tell you: us White Dudes can all, well, chill the fuck out, basically. Check out the top half at a glance:
And NOW, for the fun bit!
Let’s extract all the white dudes:
I know what you were thinking about music recently. It’s the same thing we think about everything: ‘Oh my god, there’s a Different Type Of Person To What I See In The Mirror doing this thing now! Other People want a slice of one of the numerous cakes that we picked up first or stole from others and put in our fridge!’
Well fret not. Give ‘em a bit.
We still own the fridge.
Petr Knava is a white dude who plays music