Introduction and Purpose
That’s right, it’s Science Friday! We’re dusting off the beakers and firing up the bunsen burners for another Case Study in Hotness. Here to help us with our examination this morning is Dr. Hank McCoy. Oh, Dr. McCoy, sir, what are you doing with that serum? I don’t think you should drin-oh. Oh, man. Okay, well…it’s fine…I’m sure it’ll be fine. Once he’s found a bigger lab coat, Dr. Hank here is going to help us take the guesswork out of a question that has been plaguing the Scientific Community: Who will be more mutantalizing in the upcoming X-Men: First Class film?
A side by side comparison of the physical beauty of two actors will yield concrete and empirical conclusions about their ability to portray the leaders of the mutant race. Don’t question our methodology, it’s science.
Fig. 1: No Sex In The Mutant Champagne Room
1. James McAvoy a.k.a. Charles Xavier a.k.a. Professor X
2. Michael Fassbender a.k.a. Erik Lehnsherr a.k.a. Magneto
Fig. 2: Good he’s practicing his sitting. Spoiler Alert: He’ll be doing a lot of that.
We here in the Scientific Community know the male specimen is shown off to best advantage when properly vested (see: Gordon-Levitt, Joseph), and McAvoy gains much ground with his strong eye contact and emotive follicles (don’t get used to that hair). The Scientific Community hopes that’s a time piece on McAvoy’s wrist and not a bracelet. This is a very close race, and McAvoy cannot afford to be docked points for douchebaggery.
Fig. 3: Good he’s practicing wearing a something stupid on his head.
Oh my, Junior Scientists. We fear Fassbender may be cheating. Ok, yes, this counts as being vested, but, dear Herr Fassbender, where is your shirt (or, for that matter, body hair)? You earn points for the freckles, sir, and the face-mask hair. Everyone loves a meticulously arranged forelock.
Fig. 4: Telepathetic
Dr. McCoy coyly suggests that we look at the men in action, wowing us with their powers. Em, okay, the eyebrow and the finger to the temple is a classic telepathy pose, but, Charles, baby, whyfore with the fingerless gloves? Is there no central heating in the X-Mansion? Speaking of, the mansion is a little fussily decorated, no? Enough with the sconces.
Fig. 5: Mmmmmagnetic
Fassbender has the disadvantage of trying to pull off the hideous X-Jumpsuit and supremely dorky helmet. But he’s working every inch of exposed facial territory, angry slash mouth, ragey nostril flare. We’re impressed. The Scientific Community feels it behooves us to see how the specimens fare with other actors.
Fig. 6: Is “Atonement” a film about not showering?
Seriously?!?! What is this? The Scientific Community is sure the photographer was going for “sultry and wet” but landed somewhere in “uncomfortable and greasy” territory. Similarly, McAvoy and Ms. Knightley here may have been attempting restrained, burning passion but it looks more like MCAVOY: Kiera have you eaten anything today? You look a smidge wan. KNIGHTLEY: Braaaaaiiiiinnnssss.
Fig. 7: And is there sword fighting in “Jane Eyre” now? I had no idear.
Ahhhhh, much better. Good eye contact. Fassbender refuses to be foiled by Miss Wasikowska’s blade and-WAIT. WHAT’S THAT? Does his shirt only have one strap? IS HE WEARING A TARZAN TOP?? Listen, matching hair is one thing, but, gents, do NOT feel obliged to match your shirt to your lady’s. Oh, Fassbender…you were doing so well. The Scientific Community is disappointed.
McAvoy wins it, by a sleeve. The Scientific Community would like to thank Dr. McCoy again for his help but does anyone have a lint roller? There’s blue fur everywhere.
Joanna Robinson is perfectly happy to examine the female mutants. At length. And in depth. Maybe next time.