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20 Trick or Treating Guidelines That NO ONE DENIES

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | October 31, 2019 |

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | October 31, 2019 |


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1. Peanut M&Ms > Peanut Butter M&Ms > Hazelnut M&Ms > Plain M&Ms > Pretzel M&Ms.
2. Full-Size Snicker Bars are the gold standard of Halloween candy. That rule notwithstanding, fun-size candy is preferable. Full size is too much and leads to regret.
3. Don’t hand out hard candy unless your house is a glass candy dish from 1942.
4. Candy corn should be outlawed under the Geneva Conventions.
5. Neighbors who provide Bailey’s shots to adults trick or treating with their kids should get first pick of rooms in the afterlife.
6. People who give you Smarties are not looking out for your best interests.
7. No costume, no candy.
8. If you’re a single dude giving out candy, you should not dress up (and definitely hide your van from your property for the night).
9. Children dressed as obscure jokes and/or characters get bonus candy.
10. Laffy Taffys are wildly underappreciated as Halloween candy.
11. If the porch light isn’t on, take the f***king hint. If no one answers after the first knock, take the f**king hint. If they draw the shades and turn off the interior lights, seriously take the f**king hint.
12. 5 p.m. is the absolute earliest you are allowed to trick or treat. 5:30 to 6 is preferable.
13. 7:30 p.m. is last call for trick or treaters. At 8 p.m., a water hose may be used on anyone who knocks on your door.
14. As a general rule, homemade costumes warrant more candy than store-bought costumes.
15. Yes, you can always pet the dog.
16. If you’re dressed as Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you can choose anything from within the home that fits into your Halloween bag.
17. If you’re dressed as Baby Ruth Bader Ginsberg, you are entitled to the house.
18. Age-inappropriate costumes on babies are ALWAYS welcome. Yes, even that stupid Joker costume. This year.
19. Kids from outside your neighborhood get twice the candy because they wouldn’t be in your neighborhood if their neighborhood had better candy.
20. If you’re going to give out money, make it more than a quarter. You best be handing out $1 bills.



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.


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