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11 Reasons Why the Twilight Phenomenon Scares the Living Sh*t Out of Me

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | October 16, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | October 16, 2009 |

I live in a relatively insular world, pop-culture-wise. In real life, I’m mostly surrounded either by similarly-minded people or people that just don’t care enough about pop-culture to keep up with it or offer much in the way of commentary (fucking snobs). Most of my interaction with the outside world’s view of pop culture, of course, comes here on Pajiba. I often forget, intellectually speaking, that the readership here is in the minority: If everyone were more like Pajiba readers, “Arrested Development” would be in its seventh season, “CSI” never would’ve been popular enough to spawn two spin-offs, our multiplexes would be dominated zombie movies and, of course, fewer people in movies and television would wear clothes.

Granted, it’s not as though I’m surprised by the popularity of “Dancing with Stars” or Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It’s just that I don’t interact with their audiences very often and, when I do, it’s often difficult to politely restrain myself when they remark that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was their favorite movie of the year. We have different cultural tastes, that’s all. Also, they like stupid shit. I’m not trying to dismiss the rest of America, or even thumb my nose up. It’s just, despite their protestations to the contrary, I don’t really consider myself an intellectual snob — I’m a white-trash bumpkin from the Bible belt, and in the circles I run in, I’m probably considered something of a loser, professionally speaking (you watch movies? For a living?)

To get closer to the point: 95 percent of comments on Pajiba are left within 24 hours of a post. As a result, I rarely see comments left on entries a week or two after the post has run. So, I’m often taken aback when I occasionally do revisit an old post and find comments left a week or a month after the original post, usually by drive-by commenters who found their way here by way of a Google search. While I’m certainly used to getting beat up, lectured, scolded, or mocked in the comments section, these come from an entirely different perspective. This comment from the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen review is fairly typical:

maybe if sean penn played a draft dodging, commy pinko, dick suckin robot you would have liked it more. truth, i was in the theatre with a few hundred people and everyone seemed to enjoy the film.

More often than not, box-office figures are cited, and a reference to it being “mindless entertainment” is offered in the movie’s defense, along with a suggestion that I just “turn my brain off,” as though my wasted education has prevented me from enjoying a sweaty fat man running around the mall with a Taser and mustard on his shirt.

Which brings me to the real point of this post: Twilight.

Lookit: The Twilight phenomenon is what it is. I don’t have a huge objection to it, any more than I have an objection to most of the empty, meaningless fossilized turds I visit in theaters at least every other week. I also understand that many of our own readers have read the entire Twilight series — they fall down the rabbit hole of morbid curiosity, and they get sucked in, all the while appreciating just how awful Stephenie Meyers’ series is. It’s “meaningless entertainment.” I get that. My wife watches “Antiques Roadshow.” That’s meaningless, and it’s not even entertaining.

But the people — my God — the people who unironically love Twilight, who scour the Internet to find opportunities to defend it, who suffer weird delusions of grandeur — these people terrify me. And for whatever reason, over the last couple of years, the Google Gods send us an inordinate number of people who hate Perez Hilton (welcome! Stick around) and defenders of Twilight. This is the real reason I loathe Twilight. Not because it’s meaningless entertainment, but because these girls — these poor fucking sad teenage girls — have been infected by it. It’s not meaningless to them. It’s mind controlling. It’s somehow fucked with their heads, turned their minds to mush, and really, really affected their grammar skills.

Here are ten comments left on our site in Twilight-related posts. I’m not mocking. I’m not thumbing my nose. I’m showing concern. These girls will someday have careers (and many of them already do). They will bear children. Who will bear more children. Who will rule over America’s Idiocracy. You want to see the future of America? Look at these comments. This is why I hate Twilight.


11. OMG!I Love Robbert Pattison so much and the movie was like totally awsome i cant belive people think its stupid its like totaly awsome im downloading it on my ipod and buying the movie beacause of how much i love it i just need breaking dawn to complete the book series i cant wait till new moon comes out and eclipse ohh also breakindg dawn of course lol! — Vanessa

10. all of you are so dense and lifeless.

the only reason you people are dissing Twilight is because it is so popular and amazing. all of you are just jealous because the shit you like sucks. you all just can’t deal with the fact that Twilight and everything that has to do with Twilight is beloved all over the world. well i guess haters are inevitable with something so amazing. All of you should get a life or a hobby. — *L

9. first,
twilight is amazing.
it doesnt matter what you say because your a piece of CRAP!
o and three,
FUCK YOU!!! — i love edward anthony cullen :)

8. look dude! you’re absolutely and utterly full of shit!

the movie was awesome and millions of people (not just teenage girls) have seen it and loved it! As for you and many IDIOT LOSER men who hate this movie, my guess is that u guyz are all losers who don’t have the ability to comprehend any movie that doesn’t star Steven Segul or Will Ferrell!

so my advice is: next time you wanna review a movie, make a habit of actually WATCHING it instead of stalking teen girls, checking out their clothes, or eavesdropping on their convo.


7. twilight is not fond of reading a thick book but when i started to read twilight at the very beginning of the book i had felt the romance and the kilig..thanks to my cousin whom i borrowed the book..she’s so adik kasi..Edward Cullen is so handsome..I like him in how he treat Bella.. — Star Tabaquero

6. Come on do not quit the series.Who cares about the 5 th book.200 pages okay change it up.I am into the 2nd book and it is good.My ant told me that the 5th one is about how Edward feels.Change something up.I know it is a big difference,but my up session with vampires is expanding cause of your books.Keep it going.Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I would know how you feel if you read this from an angry reader.I love the books and if you kept writing them I would greatly appreciate it.E-mail me please.So Stephanie Meyer please e-mail me.!!!!!!!!!! p.s. Email me back —Chloe

5. I really love all the characters of the movie the actress and actor,and I bought all the books and read them all.My doughther,My son and I addicted and watch three times a day.Could you imagined I read all this four books to know what happened for them.I liked all the actor and actress hope you will never changes them for your next movie.otherwise will never the same.We loved everyone They so beautiful and looked terrific. — katrina rose

4. have u people ever actually thought to read the books? the books are 10 times betta than the film but cum on who doesnt lyk a topless lad!and maybe if u did waste 5% of ure lame lyf u will realise what shit ure talkin —twilightlover

3. Um well forget all of yall who is haten on Twilight this has to be one good love story! all girls go throu the depressed thing in high school over a guy! HELLO their in freaking high school. Yea maybe thier are vampires in it but thats what makes it more worth watching and reading. I’ve read every single book and the one that hasn’t came out yet and seen every trailer thats out thier for New Moon its real good! you should take a min and really read the freaking book!!!! — Kim

2 hihi it’s hihi. i think they books were good. they had an interesting plot and pulled you in. and for heaven’s sake, please leave edward alone. talk about bella all you want, but DO NOT talk about edward. he can TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF. — HiHi

1. hey,i love your books but sometimes we all just get bored of reading so i think on your web page you should have something for us to sign up at and then we pick a chapter that were on and it will read us that chapter then well have to read a few more chapters then we could go back and it will read it to us

thank you!

P.S. please think about this cool idea. — katie

Pajiba Love 10/16/09 | Law Abiding Citizen Review

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.