Over the last few weeks, we’ve had a lot of fun (no. No we haven’t.) talking about this movie. But having watched the deleted scenes, it’s really important you know this one fact: we were spared the most ridiculous bonkers nonsense movie in the history of film. Because Love Actually was very nearly the most confusing descent into madness you’ll experience this side of shrooms laced with off-market Sudafed chased down with Four Loko. These deleted scenes give you just a glimpse of that fever dream and god, this whole thing is the last thing you see before death greets you.
Let’s start with something simple enough. It’s Mia the Sex Robot and Andrew Lincoln. We discover that Mia the Sex Robot has fancy plans to have sex with Alan Rickman but that those plans could have been thwarted by Andrew Lincoln having sex with her instead. Lincoln ruined Emma Thompson’s marriage by not offering up his rubbish penis as a consolation prize.
Now that we’ve eased you in, here’s posters coming to life with people from Africa teaching the rest of us how to appreciate what we have. Yes, African people were used simply as brief message props unrelated to the story. And then not used at all, because they got cut out.
Those 30-second hallucinations are the most character development black people get this whole movie.
This clip has been making the rounds with people calling it sweet and hearbreaking, and yes, it is, but do not let that distract you from its fuckery. Even in the Love Actually-verse, lesbians exist solely to die tragically. See, if you don’t make them die tragically, no one can understand that they’re people. That’s how this under-four-minute love story was not only shoehorned in, but shoehorned right back out.
And then…there’s this.
I had a bad feeling about somewhere around 20 seconds into this clip when Richard Curtis said the original script contained lots of mentions about how Sam was a gymnast. What you’re about to see is some fucking nonsense.
No. No you do not get to have sad dead cancer lesbians AND magical gymnastics boy child. No.
So say what you will about Love Actually. But my god was it very nearly almost a whole lot worse.
25 Days of Love Actually Archive:
Day 17 (there was no Day 17 because of snow reasons or something)
Day 18: Part 2