10:00 - Well that was largely uneventful. Just like always! *throws confetti* BYE THEN.
9:58 - YOU CAN’T PLAY OFF BEST SERIES WINNERS, YOU MUSIC MONSTERS. AND WHAT IS WITH THE TWINKLES? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
9:56 - And Breaking Bad wins because duh. Twinkly music plays because duh. Or I’m having all the strokes.
9:54 - The only acceptable Modern Family win reaction:
9:51 - I choose to believe Leno sucks and read it wrong.
9:50 - WELL FUCK EVERYTHING.
9:47 - GO UP AND KISS HER WITH TONGUE, CRANSTON.
9:44 - Since I don’t watch the show, I forgot they murdered off Josh Charles. All men must die on JMargz shows. VALAR MARGULIES.
9:43 - Have I told you I really love these Tina Fey AmEx spots? And that was my favorite.
9:38 - OK, I don’t watch The Good Wife—is this OK? Are we good with this? I don’t know.
9:36 - Seriously, what is with the twinkles? Are we all leveling up? Is Tinkerbell orgasming all over the place?
9:33 - Ugh, Heigl. You know they’re all:
9:27 - I am so distracted by this twinkly video game music. Anna Gunn wins AND THE PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE.
9:26 - It’s nice to know that it wasn’t just McConaughey and Harrelson who were blazed out of their goddamn minds on that show.
9:25 - Co-winner best directing and BEST EVER FRENCH BRAIDED PIGTAILS.
9:21 - Guys, what happens when SNL premieres? Like…who’s voice is that going to be? Because no one else can do it.
9:15 - BRB crying forever.
9:13 - What is with the ethereal end-scene-of-Ghost orbs that appear in the images of the deceased, as though they are being ascended to bad special effects heaven? They ALL deserve better.
9:12 - Why was that the creepiest picture of Paul Walker? They couldn’t find a single better shot? He died MONTHS ago.
9:06 - YEAH BITCH!
8:59 - The what report?
8:56 - Did Adam Levine just try to talk about real shit like he’s not an orange bro?
8:53 - You know no one has ever been more excited to be anywhere than Chris Hardwick is RIGHT NOW.
8:52 - Keegan Michael Key’s shoes—I’m going to need him to wander through the shoe cam, please.
8:51 - Oh what’s up Key and Peele looking handsome as shit?
8:46 - Liam Lynch directed her special which means it’s time for this. This is not a rebel song. This is…THE PANDA.
8:40 - The Normal Heart was only goodish because of Ryan Murphy reasons but WHO WOULDN’T AWARD IT ALL THE AWARDS? Like you have to right?
8:34 - Aw, that was the first time I saw Alison Tolman’s dress in full—she looks so pretty, guys!
8:33 - I am obviously very happy Fargo won but I really wanted to post more AHS gifs. :( But this is still aces.
8:29 - WEIRD AL! WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
8:27 - JESSICA LANGE!
8:27 - EVERYONE HATES STEVEN MOFFAT EXCEPT ME. WHAT WOULD JEFF MURDOCH THINK? Can’t we all just get along?
8:20 - Oh this is happening again already? OK, re-Vining my damn self.
It’s so anticlimactic when a winner isn’t in attendance.
8:18 - Standing together, Woody and McConaughey are dressed like fancy Backstreet Boys. I love it.
8:16 - Woody Harrelson is presenting with McConaughey? That just makes the weird screencrawl earlier even weirder.
8:12 - “Six minutes till Woody Harrelson” said the bottom of the screen. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, NOMINEE WOODY HARRELSON WHO WE’VE ALREADY SEEN IS THERE?!
8:05 - It’s so anticlimactic when a winner isn’t in attendance.
8:02 - I would have been fine with anyone in that category winning. You can’t complain all the time. Frances knows what I mean.
8:00 - Kathy Bates wins super deservedly so.
My husband just now: “She played a head. You know what I mean?”
That’s no lie.
7:59 - “He’s a lifelong fan of Doctor Who and has written for the revived series.” OH HAS HE WRITTEN FOR IT, VOICEOVER LADY?
7:58 - MOFFAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He looks so confused!
7:58 - Octavia can’t even deal with Janney’s Janneyness. No one can.
7:57 - The genre changes are very the-score-of-Three-Men-and-a-Baby.
7:56 - SEE? Andre kind of got an Emmy!
7:47 - John Mulaney and Mindy Kaling are perfect people. And that is just that. And I don’t give an amazing shit about The Amazing Race so let’s just watch this.
7:46 - I expect this comment thread to be littered in Bryan Cranston lip-rubbing gifs within the next 10 minutes, people.
7:45 - THE FLAWLESS JLD, PEOPLE. The Beyonce of television.
7:44 - I know we all hate on Piper, but Taylor Schilling is so cute and all her OINTB friends seem to like her lots.
7:39 - Jim Parsons seems like a lovely person. I’m trying to be kind. He’s also a gay man that CBS people seem to like so that’s neat.
7:36 - Oh, that E! passive aggressive comment I mentioned earlier that implied the actress in question is usually walking around looking like hot garbage? That was about Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You know. That uggo.
7:34 - I feel like that didn’t come across right so I filmed it.
7:30 - I like when shows we don’t want to win win for awards like directing that we don’t quite know how to quantify so it’s all very GRRRR-EEHHHH-NOOOO-MEHHH?
7:29 - In what world is TJ Miller not the biggest star on the planet. DENNVERRRR!
7:29 - In what world is Glee still being nominated for things?
7:28 - Uzo looks GEWD. Everyone on OINTB is fantasticness.
7:27 - Hayden’s hair looks like it always does which is really disappointing because I had a whole “Hayden Pregnant-hair” thing cued up and now I just feel lost.
7:25 - I would like to take this commercial break to tell you I wish I’d spent more time watching and liveblogging the passive aggressiveness that was the E! red carpet. It was a lot of “we don’t see her looking like this often, but when she does, she really turns it up.” It was palpitations of high school friendship. Everyone on E! is the worst. I wish there had been more of it.
7:21 - Shit yeah, Allison Janney. Do you guys watch that show? It is…OK. Weirdly accurate. But she is PERFECTION on it. It would be actual garbage in the hands of anyone else.
7:18 - Jimmy Kimmel is presenting which reminds me that Sarah Silverman is presenting some flawless boobosity tonight. I mean, I am all about celebrating the craft, but I feel that we should celebrate Sarah’s crafts tonight and by that I mean them thaaaaaangs.
7:16 - Louie wins and Zooey is stoked and we are all of us stoked because a win for Louie CK is a deduction of a win for Modern Family because of facts.
7:10 - Ty Burrell wins and he and Fred wore the same glasses. Like, look, I’m not happy about the continued Modern Family love either, but I actually like Burrell a lot and think he’s the most consistent character. And yes I know that’s like saying “the least annoying Manny moment.”
7:09 - Aw, how cute were the SNL girls behind Fred Armisen?
7:09 - OK, A) AMY KNOWS BEYONCE IS THE LIGHT AND THE WAY, B) AMY BROUGHT NICK KROLL AS HER DATE AND I AM VERY EXCITED BY THIS.
7:07 - “Duck Dynasty was the most VCR taped.” Guys that’s a joke but I guarantee it’s true.
7:05 - DAMMIT SETH, YOU KNOW I’M STILL NOT OVER THE HIMYM FINALE.
7:02 - This is apparently the first Monday night Emmys since 1976, when women weren’t even allowed to liveblog, you guys. This is some revolutionary shit. #feminism
7:01 - Seth is wearing a Boehner-y shade of bronzer on his cheekbones.
6:58 - YES THIS SHIT IS IN CENTRAL TIME BECAUSE I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT AS AN ANGEL OF AMERICA’S HEARTLAND AND A TRUE GODDAMN AMERICAN.
6:53 - I hope all the women are dressed well. Or they may be subject to the reckoning. Poorly dressed women will be burned as witches.
6:50 - Kelly Osbourne just referred to Julia Roberts as “not the most beautiful” but “the nicest.” I feel like neither of those things are especially true. Julia is a monstrous bitch AND I LOVE HER FOR IT. “Who’s Natalie?!”
6:45 - OH HI GUYS. FYI, Gwen Stefani just asked for the proper pronunciation of “Swarovski” and, Gwen, it’s pronounced “Sahhhbossskiii.”