Liveblogging the 2013 VMAs

10:23 - Just kidding. YOU ARE PEASANTS COMPARED TO GAGA SHE IS STUNNING PERFECTION YOU CRUMBLE IN HER WAKE SHE IS A SWAN MADE OF DREAMHOPES.

10:22 - Well this has been silly. Thanks for joining me, everyone. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. Like LADY GAGA.

10:20 - I like that she’s not even trying to hide how hard she’s Ashlee Simpsoning though.

10:19 - Katy Perry presents, Cliches: The Song!

10:19 - Not enough people wear formal performance French braids, guys.

10:18 - …So, Marnie is the final presenter of the night. *nods* Sure, sure.

10:16 - Everyone’s wondering where Jessica Biel is. I mean…really, she can take a night off from whatever eighth billed role she’s doing right now.

10:15 - Also, I assumed Will Smith would be presenting Best Video. So…if not…why is he there?

10:15 - You know what I love about JGL? The fact that he is a real life insane fancy person. He’s what Franco wishes he could be.

10:12 - I don’t like that people tried to create a whole war between “Roar” and “Applause” just because they’re by two female pop artists, released sort of close together. That’s silly. Also, you know, GAGA IS THE LIGHT AND THE WAY AND ONLY SHE WILL LEAD US TO EVERLASTING FOREVERTIMES SHE SPARKLES LIKE SUNSHINE I BET SHE SMELLS LIKE VIOLETS.

10:09 - “Roar” is Katy Perry’s biggest hit? …K. It’s…it’s not very good. Is that a problem for anyone else? It’s no “ET.” That song is phenomenal. It’s got a line where Kanye West rhymes the word “astronaut” with “Yeezy get ass a lot.”

10:07- That really is one of the prettier songs about gorillas.

10:03 - This Bruno Mars song is making me do that spank hand motion dance thing people do to sexy slowjams. And I can’t stop. There’s duck lips, too. It’s not pretty over here, guys.

10:02 - Oh GAWD there’s gonna be a new reality show about nurses. I hope the nursing industry is pissed.

09:56 - Bruno Mars is a very talented young man. He has an Andre-from-The-League-level hat collection.

09:55 - You know what the VMAs always does really well? The this part, the nominee montages. Those are always great.

09:54 - Oh, this commercial for Insidious 2: Electric Bugaloo reminds me that You’re Next? The adorable romp of the year! I ADORED IT.

09:50 - In case you find yourself charmed by Taylor Swift at any point tonight, look at this photo of JAM SHE MADE (UGH OF COURSE SHE MAKES JAM GOD TAYLOR YOU’RE THE WORST) and the label she put on it and remember she is still the most infuriating pile of twee.

09:48 - I hope this song ends with an In Memorium. Amanda Bynes’s Vagina, 1986-2013. RIP.

09:47 - Drake has the saddest eyes. They’re Precious Moments eyes.

09:45 - WAIT WHAT? THIS IS MORE EXCITING THAN NSYNC. IS THERE GONNA BE A LEFT EYE HOLOGRAM?

09:44 - I require more Daft Punk cutaways, please.

09:43 - YOU GUYS. That’s the garbage bag not-Bieber boy from the pre-show. When did this happen?

09:43 - What’s up, Adam Lambert? You still a thing? That’s neat.

09:42 - I want to just point out that the One Direction “song of the summer” is called “Best Song Ever” which basically means it’s like a totally unironic serious Tenacious D situation.

09:41 - I’m excited for that Andy Samberg show. Chelsea Peretti!

09:36 - Surprise skinny JHud out of nowhere.

09:33 - Is it racist to be caught off-guard by the color of someone’s skin based on their vocal stylings? I feel like it might be. I’m sorry. I just didn’t think the girl in this song was, you know, Macklemore-colored.

09:32 - I feel like the very serious wonderful message has been severely undercut by the giant man/tiny man presenter pair.

09:31 - I know it’s cruel, but I live for the boos whenever the shitty pop group inevitably wins the fan-voted awards.

09:29 - See, this is why you shouldn’t give people the right to vote.

09:27 - NSYNC is crying backstage right now because of Kevin Hart’s words.

09:26 - The DJ is wearing a gondolier hat.

09:20 - “Those four guys there.” You mean the ones you cast into the depths of the basement where the HVAC units are?

09:19 - I’m glad you feel really good, Justin. You deserve it. NEVER FUCKING FORGET THAT BRITNEY GOT IT FIRST.

09:16 - I just realized how much better the song is if you pretend it’s about Stephen Collins.

09:15 - I really love this song, you guys. Like a lot. Even though it’s about my least favorite “7th Heaven” cast member.

09:13 - Justin just sent them back to steerage to die with Jack, Rose and the Irish people.

09:12 - THAT’S IT?! THAT’S ALL HE LET THEM DO? KELLY AND MICHELLE GOT TO DO MORE THAN THAT AT THE SUPERBOWL!

09:11 - Lance’s sporty dicky is quite the look.

09:11 - On the realz here, JC still looks damn good.

09:10 - THANK YOU JESUS.

09:09 - HE JUST DID A BACKSTREET BOYS MOVE. YOU ALL SAW IT.

09:08 - “It feels like somethin’s heatin’ up; can I leave with you?” - Joey Fatone because his car got repossessed.

09:07 - Gaga is still wearing her Little Mermaid bra. This pleases me greatly.

09:06 - If NSYNC doesn’t come out, at the very least, I hope Jessica Biel does so he can jump on her head again.

09:04 - What if it was all a lie? A cruel horrible lie? *hits inhaler again*

09:03 - “I still run this bitch.” That was a cruel knife in the heart of Chris Kirkpatrick.

09:00 - Anyone else pretty sure JT’s only being given this so that he’d reunite with NSYNC? Because he’s not known for his great videos. I really only remember the one where he threw Britney under the bus and the one where he threw Elisha Cuthbert under the bus.

09:00 - IT’S TIME GUYS. THIS IS WHY WE’RE HERE.

08:59 - This has only been on for an hour. The Miley part seems like a thousand years ago. Probably because that’s when the world changed. That’s when things became different. That’s when Miley became dirty Cynthia.

08:55 - http://www.uproxx.com/music/2013/08/gif-miley-cyrus-grinding-robin-thicke-gif-miley-cyrus-grinding-robin-thicke/

Drink it in.

08:52 - Guys, what if Macklemore cures homophobia? What if he brings world peace? That would be nice. Shavy head for the Nobel Peace Prize!

08:50 - Ed Sheeran is a person whose name I know and I DON’T KNOW WHY. WHY DO I KNOW YOU, MOONFACED GINGER BOY? WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

08:49 - Why, an award for my nemesis? It truly is the most special of evenings.

08:48 - I have heard of all of those songs. I’m gonna call that a win. This Moonman goes to ME.

08:48 - I had a moment where I thought Niall Rodgers was the guy from One Direction and was really confused. He looks different when he’s away from those little white boys.

08:40 - I do enjoy Yeezy’s new nightmare shadow method of performing.

08:38 - I feel the same way about Kanye West as I do about Lady Gaga (FALSE, I FEEL LIKE NOTHING THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT LADY GAGA). The Kanye-ier he gets the more I love him. I wish he was performing this whole song in caps lock.

08:36 - Dammit Jared Leto, you are too old for those pants.

08:30 - I’m still processing the Miley performance. It’s our Zapruder film, guys. Twerk back and to the left, back and to the left.

08:27 - Kanye’s up next? If North West doesn’t appear as baby Jesus I will be very disappointed.

08:25 - MACKLEMORE AND RYAN LEWIS ARE PEOPLE I HAVE HEARD OF.

08:24 - Who’s that person who isn’t Lil Kim? And also WHAT HAPPENED TO LIL KIM.

08:22 - Is Miley still there? It’s like a Where’s Waldo of humping things and I know she must be there humping something. Look around your living room. SHE COULD BE HUMPING YOU RIGHT NOW.

08:20 - Miley is having the best goddamn time right now, you guys. She looks like a skinny, insane Ace Ventura monster and she’s so excited.

08:18 - Processors malfunctioning. Must just let it all wash over me. Twerking. Pink pedobears. Gwen Stefani pigtail things. Unamused Rihanna.

08:17 - SO MUCH IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I need to process it.

08:15 - OH VANESSA BAYER. You’re a delight.

08:10 - Oh gumdrops, they’re on a third cycle of “Teen Mom” guys.

08:08 - Huh. How about that. *shrug*

08:07 - Oh, before we get too far into the show, is anyone else on board with loving new, crazy twerky Miley Cyrus?

08:06 - One Direction is probably the most recent pop culture phenomenon I am aware of. Just so we’re all in the loop on this one so you know why I will completely shut down for the youngins.

08:05 - She is such a fancy mermaid of a creature.

08:04 - Can’t liveblog. Loving Gaga too hard. Hold on.

08:02 - This is some Little Edie Beale meets Mummenschanz realness and I love it.

08:01 - She is also working some Frank N. Furter crazy eyes. GODDAMN I LOVE YOU, GAGA.

08:00 - Before they pan out, I’m just going to assume Gaga is dressed as the Lady Cassandra, which is her inevitable future. I hope.

08:00 - SHUT UP, GUYS, IT’S GAGA O’CLOCK.

07:59 - Swifticles’s dress is nice, but her hair is like she scalped fancy Charlize Theron and is wearing the remains.

07:57 - Sway just told Taylor Swift “you smell awesome.” Which I must admit she probably does.

07:55 - While we’re still pre-show, I have a very serious question for you guys. When you pour a glass of wine, you all lick the droplet that goes down the side of the bottle, right? I mean, assuming you’re not at a fancy party or something.

07:51 - It’s all gonna be okay, because my Lady Gaga is opening the show. And I know this is an unpopular opinion among YOU PEOPLE, but I love her. Not only am I fine with how hard she tries, I hope she starts trying even harder. I hope she cuts her arm off and attaches a shark, I don’t even give a fuck. SHE IS A FLAWLESS EAGLE.

07:50 - Nikki and Sara—people I know. Thank you. You are my anchors.

07:47 - Speaking of wine, what are we enjoying tonight, my people? I’m drinking a nice cabernet, with some cupcakes that I made today.

07:46 - Macklemore. That’s a person I know. I’m okay. I’m okay. *sips wine, wipes brow, dabs tear*

07:45 - WE ARE DYING ALL OF US, WE EDGE CLOSER TO THE GRAVE WITH EVERY 8-YEAR-OLD IN A MINIDRESS.

07:44 - OH GOOD LOOK ANOTHER FETUS I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF.

07:41 - I’m happy that I’m not alone in my complete and total loss on who anyone is. The audience for this show must be completely divided betwixt present teens and people who were teens 10-15 years ago tuning in to see if NSYNC’s still got the flow.

07:38 - Did other people just see that commercial with Katy Perry dressed as the lost member of the circle from The Craft? It’s a good look. That said, I BIND YOU KATY FROM DOING HARM.

07:36 - Selena Gomez looks very pretty. My kid’s on a big Barney kick, so I’ve been seeing tiny Selena Gomez a lot lately, and I watch in full knowledge that, someday, this tiny adorable child playing with the purple dinosaur will grow up to take Justin Bieber to the bonezone.

07:34 - Katy Perry just went full-scale Carson Daly, thugging it up to talk to Sway. Calm down, Katy Perry.

07:33 - Jordan Catalano has grown some luxurious hair. A subtle ombre, ooh, I am Pinteresting that for my next look.

07:30 - Okay, I wasn’t going to do pre-show but I am having a full-on crisis of age and life and I figure I’ll just share it with you. Because everyone is 12, I don’t know what’s happening, there was a Bieber boy person wearing garbage bags and a red fanny pack shirt and a young girl wearing some sparkly nightmare about whom I said “what the quinceanera fuck is this tiny bitch wearing?” on Twitter because I’m destined for hell. Now you’re all caught up.

07:20 - Just an FYIskies, I know there are some of you who wish I’d liveblogged the pre-show. Well, I’ve been busy. HOLD THE FUCK ON, NEEDY.

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