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Liveblogging Lifetime's Anna Nicole

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogs | June 29, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogs | June 29, 2013 |

08:58 - I did that thing again where I was watching the movie too hard to talk about the movie. I am sticking to only terrible things from here on out. Sorry if you were expecting, like, anything remotely close to insulting. Because this. was. glorious. Watch it all day. Make it your brain’s screensaver, the image that plays on your eyelids at night when you close them. It’s fantastic. Good morrow to you all.

08:50 - I’m glad there’s only a few minutes left. They won’t show too much of the really effed stuff. That would really ruin my enjoyment of the initial hour of magic and wonder.

08:48 - UGH, the clown makeup thing. I’d blocked out that this happened. Guh.

08:44 - It’s the last fifteen minutes. Things are going to get six kinds of sad now. The last year or two of her life was catastrophic for everyone except TMZ.

08:40 - This is a weirdly accurate and upsetting portrayal of addiction. Shit. I like it better when Lifetime is over-the-top stupid. I like my Lifetime addicts to basically be Jessie Spano.

08:37 - I just did some creative Googling and the guy who plays Larry Birkhead will soon be appearing in a made-for-TV movie about TLC, you guys. We have our next liveblog sesh on the books. That one should probably be with TK and Joanna. They’re really the Left-Eye and T-Boz of Pajiba.

08:35 - Oh, and coming out of nowhere to take the prize for best wig of the movie is Larry Birkhead. Well done.

08:28 - Remember “like my body? Want some money?” I wish appropriate opportunities to say that ever arose, but they never really do. Otherwise I’d say it all the time.

08:27 - TRIMSPA, BABY.

08:26 - In the future I should really only do this for movies I’m legitimately not going to adore. Because I keep getting distracted by adoration.

08:23 - I’d actually never realized she was borderline until I Wiki’d Anna before the movie. Oy.

08:20 - I don’t know if the rest of you were watchers of “The Anna Nicole Show” or if you’ve seen much of creepy Howard K. Stern, but Adam Goldberg’s performance in this opus is incredible.

08:18 - Does everyone have this commercial for nail fungus? Because I already didn’t feel well and now I just saw nail fungus, so if I disappear for a while, it’s because ew fungus.

08:14 - The hair team for this movie was on point. I don’t know about Cary Elwes’s wisps of cruelty, but Adam Goldberg’s hair is exact.

08:13 - I totally forgot that she wore her wedding dress to the funeral. REAL LIFE IS A CRAZY THING.

08:13 - Sorry, I got distracted by DEATH BED BOOBY SEDUCTION.

08:11 - Donald Rumsfeld Elwes just made Martin Landau sign away his love for Anna. No more dollars. “And if you don’t like it, you can shove it in whatever orifice you see fit.”

08:09 - Real talk. Ever since I was a wee girl in the late ’80s, I’ve wanted a sparkly sequined dress. Anna at the very least lived that dream for me.

08:06 - Adam Goldberg as creepy Howard? This cast list is ridiculous and glorious.

07:59 - The approach toward the second hour of a Lifetime movie is basically hopscotch. “My career is over!” “I’m marrying old guy!” “My career is revived!” *dance party untz untz*

07:57 - Virginia Madsen, I’ve missed you so! Welcome back, you glorious trashheap.

07:56 - Wow, it didn’t take nearly as much to get fired from fame back in the olden days of the ’90s.

07:54 - Cary Elwes looks exactly like Donald Rumsfeld in this movie.

07:50 - This is uncomfortably different from my other liveblogs. I find myself at a total loss when I have nothing but phenomenal things to say. This is the literal opposite of this.

07:48 - Her poor son breaks my heart. That poor kid.

07:47 - Oh, but they are touching on her more lesbianny tendencies, which I appreciate. Her assistant Kimmy probably appreciates that, too.

07:46 - They have not touched on her hill people family members that were interviewed in the VH1 documentary about her, featuring voiceover narration from William H. Macy. They’ll probably never play it again, but it is FASCINATING.

07:44 - Okay, I don’t think he’s German anymore. He’s French now. I don’t know if he was before or not. Maybe next time he’ll be from Angola.

07:42 - Wanting to be Marilyn Monroe when you grow up is the mark of the damaged. That’s what following celebrities has taught me. If your goal is to become Marilyn Monroe, at some point, you’re crashing a convertible while high on coke.

07:41 - She just became the next face of Guess. I know because a Germanny man just said “I want you to become the next face of Guess.”

07:39 - The dramatic disrobing is life. “I don’t know…should I?” *kick in the generic stock music*

07:36 - Anyway, like I was saying before the Cary Elwes of it all, Anna Nicole always struck me as a goodly person. In on the joke, but also just being herself and not really knowing what was funny about the joke. Which is sweet. There was something about her that you didn’t really feel like you were laughing at in a bad way. I don’t know. I just liked her.

07:32 - It wouldn’t be a fish out of water Hollywood tale without blowing rails while driving a convertible. Every cliche is like a dollop of off-brand spray cheese on the buttery cracker of trashy delight. What I’m saying is food. Food is something I’m saying. I don’t know why I’m talking about food so much. Maybe I’m prepping our metabolisms for some TRIMSPA, BABY.

07:31 - His wig is made of the saddest cotton candy. I want to eat it as I sip the lemon shake-up that is this movie.




07:27 - I should probably tell you all that I really liked Anna Nicole Smith. She always struck me as a sweet little lamb of a person who was in on her own joke.

07:25 - Landau is, roughly, 800 years old. And he looks way too young to be playing Anna Nicole’s old man husband. Because that was the oldest man who ever lived. Dammit, if her little old man husband wanted to give her all his money, then he should have the right to do it. Death with dignity. And double D’s.

07:23 - I am LEGIT living for Landau’s happiest old man at the strip club face now. He just fell hard in old man stripper love and I want to eat it like an ice cream sandwich of joy.

07:22 - Oh Martin Landau, you are a delight. You are the saddest old man at the strip club and I love it. Pull the strings. The HEART strings.

07:19 - Fun fact: I’m not feeling so great tonight. I have some condition that is, to put it delicately, causing my inside things to fall out. But this is making me feel so much better. I think it’s made of electrolytes.

07:16 - I can honestly say, 16 minutes in, I want a two-disc Bluray with extras, interviews, commentary tracks and every episode of “The Anna Nicole Show.”

07:13 - The chick playing Anna Nicole looks a lot like Katherine Heigl. Someday, Heigl will be in a Lifetime movie, you guys. Which fallen star should she play? Heidi Montag? I’m going with Heidi Montag.

07:10 -You guys. Why aren’t you watching this, like right now? IT HAS EVERYTHING. Awkward pole dancing. Bynes-level wigs. Pole dancing on a children’s playground pole in front of her child. I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

07:08 - Oh, and she’s just met a sassy black stripper mentor who’s leading her down the bad path of Xanax, champagne and sexy underwear.

07:07 - We’re seven minutes in. It’s time to start stripping.

07:06 - “I told you not to marry the fry cook at Carl’s Crispy Fried Chicken.” Guys, I’ll pretty much just be livequoting this.

07:05 - “I ain’t gonna have a baby, mama. I just wanna go bowlin’!”

07:05 - Virginia Madsen just told little Vicki Lynn that stuffing her bra will lead to “ballin’ some boy in the back of a Buick.” Now she’s feeding her exposition through a locked door.

07:03 - OH MY GOD, little Vicki Lynn Hogan child just gently stroked a Marilyn Monroe Playboy cover, because she just developed her dreams. And she just saw her future self in a mirror, and it’s talking to her about being pretty and having fancy earrings AND I WANT THIS MOVIE TO NEVER END.

07:01 - Virginia Madsen’s wig and eyeshadow are already the star here.

06:57 - So, did you guys know that Mary Harron directed this? Because SHE DID. So this will probably be good in a different way than Liz & Dick, it will probably be a celebration of campy, trashy realness, which is pretty much my favorite thing.

06:50 - This is pretty much a placeholder. So, you know, get snacks or drinks, or some such thing. Watch this Jodi Arias thing with me and admire those bangs. Those are quality bangs. Like individual pieces of black yarn glued to her face.

06:45 - Last night, I saw an excellent production of Les Miserables, the epic musical tale of compassion, love, injustice and the French Revolution. Tonight, I’m about to watch Lifetime’s made-for-TV trainwreckapallooza, the epic tale of Anna Nicole Smith. So, pretty consistent weekend so far. I’m also catching the tail end of Lifetime’s Jodi Arias movie, starring Alex from “Lost” so things are going well for her.

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