You picked it, people. I am only happy to oblige.
0:00:38 - We open on Jada Pinkett and Omar Epps seeing Stab complaining about horror movies because we’ve gone full meta. It’s filmed in Stab-o-Vision which is actually something I’d see unless Stab-o-Vision means whatever is about to happen to Jada.
0:03:09 - Stab opens on Heather Graham sad with a blonde Drew Barrymore wig in a way nicer house than Drew had in the first one. This movie is Clever. But even though she’s Hollywood rich, she still uses that cheap-ass danger popcorn made of fire hazards.
0:05:15 - Jada doesn’t care for horror movies, but she does care for popcorn with no butter which is INSANE. You’re made of muscle and perfection, Jada. Eat the butter.
0:07:32 - Omar Epps goes to the bathroom and two guys are Jimmy Duganing at the urinals for a stupid long time and the walls are covered in hieroglyphics. When someone is making questionable sex sounds in a tiny voice and Omar Epps sticks his head against the bathroom stall wall and gets stabbed in the head, which a) would require immense strength to go through both a stall wall AND a skull, and b) is still a better option than whatever germs he’d gotten from sticking his head against a stall wall.
0:09:37 - There’s that movie thing where people immediately forget what their significant other looks like, smells like, walks like, etc. just because they have a mask on.
0:10:27 - Jada comes away from hugging not-Omar with blood all over her hands because Omar’s head wound needed to be a jacket wound for this scene, then gets the shit stabbed out of her in the middle of a crowded theater and has the most epic dramatic death scene in the world. Everyone is mildly OK with it. Definitely not having reactions of any kind.
0:12:50 - Sydney is still getting phone calls that all sound like the guy from the first movie, but now she has caller ID because ’90s INNOVATION! What I want to know is how EVERYONE has access to this highly specific voice changing device and no variance ever occurs. Someone should call her with a high-pitched squeal, or sounding like Morgan Freeman. That’s a game-change.
0:13:17 - Sydney and her roommate have the biggest, nicest, pinkest dorm I’ve ever seen. The Heather Graham giant house of Hollywood is made less clever by them falling into their own trap. Also it’s covered in flamingos. This is clearly a clever nod to the fact that flamingos are the serial murderers of the bird kingdom, it’s true, don’t look it up.
0:15:01 - The press all arrives at Sydney’s dorm and that’s on the college. PROTECT YOUR STUDENTS, DAMMIT.
0:15:27 - Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this movie which I completely forgot, just like I forgot she was in She’s All That and I now have a solid working theory that SMG has Silence powers she can turn on and off at will, unlike Sam Worthington who just has Silence powers and cannot turn them off, that’s why his face is upsettingly unmemorable.
0:15:46 - Timothy Olyphant is in this. HOLY SHIT SO IS JOSHUA JACKSON. Now they’re having the world’s best sequel conversation only ruined because Jamie Kennedy is Jamie Kennedying all over it.
0:17:41 - Sydney is scared because people have been murdered. Jamie Kennedy is responding to her mockingly in an Australian/Welsh accent because what the fuck, Jamie Kennedy? Also he has a goatee, highlights and a spray tan. I feel like none of this was in service to the movie—the movie isn’t *that* cleverly meta. JK just got obnoxsh.
0:18:05 - Jerry O’Connell is Sydney’s boyfriend and Jamie Kennedy is third-wheeling and creepy and they totally ruined this character. It’s like if they made a Pretty in Pink sequel that was just Duckie yelling “WHAZZZUPP?!” while making balloon animals.
0:18:56 - Gail Weathers is on campus, stoked as fuck, hair covered in chunky red highlights, which is my single favorite ’90s look, the one I still want to pull off.
0:19:37 - Laurie Metcalf is a Gail Weathers fangirl. Gail Weathers is Gail Weathersing all over the place.
0:21:27 - OH MY GOD NOXEMA GIRL AND PORTIA DEROSSI ARE HERE, TOO. EVERYONE IS HERE. Portia had not nailed the accent just yet, like at all, but she had definitely nailed the blonde hair with black eyebrows.
0:22:29 - Dewey is here. Jerry O’Connell appears concerned. Jerry O’Connell will appear concerned for most of this movie. Actually he appeared concerned most of Stand By Me, too. It might just be his actorating face.
0:23:39 - Dewey reminds Sydney that if someone is going to murder her in the face, she already knows him/her/them. EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT! Sigh. Remember in the first movie before Jamie Kennedy went all Jamie Kennedy and Jamie Kennedyed all over the screen?
0:24:38 - Olyphant is just walking around carrying a camera not being obviously obsessed with film and therefore an ideal meta-sequel killer or anything, no big.
0:25:09 - A WILD LIEV SCHREIBER APPEARS. Cotton Weary. Best name in cinema. Gail attacks Sydney with a surprise Cotton interview and Sydney hits her which is what she does so she should have seen that coming.
0:26:27 - Dewey and Gail, their love is real. Or it was real. RIP the Cox-Arquettes.
0:27:27 - There’s twinkly love movie music happening in the background. Is this…a meet cute? Between characters who’ve already met and are not cute?
0:28:17 - A sorority house blasting DMB? More terrifying than anything else in this movie.
0:29:39 - SMG is at a different sorority house watching Party of Five, deeply concerned about Ted. This is the aggressively thin eyebrow period of her career. This is also the aggressively stretchy boocut pants period of her career. Was this the same wardrobe person as Buffy? Because these are some Buffy pants right here.
0:33:06 - Sorority sister: “It’s Ted.” SMG: “Hello Ted.” Not Ted: “YOU WISH IT WAS TED.” I wish the rest of the movie was just that part over and over again.
This is probably the Ted she’s worried about:
0:35:24 - SMG gets stabbed and thrown off the sorority house roof. By SMG. You will be missed. Mostly by Ted.
0:36:39 - “They’re Ewoks. They blow.” I love Olyphant in this movie.
0:36:55 - Noxema and Portia deRossi are super excited that police cars have swarmed the SMH sorority house.
0:38:57 - What is Sydney’s pathological need to answer phones? This isn’t your house, Sydney. Don’t answer other people’s phones. Then Nu Killer appears and talks in Scream voice but doesn’t hold the hand thingie to his face.
0:40:24 - Every character’s direction was “be more Deweyer” or “be more Jamie Kennedyer” and that’s why Dewey runs like Forrest Gump while he still had the leg braces on.
0:42:55 - Jerry O’Connell is our first red (
right hand) herring. I mean, everyone is a red herring, but he’s the first legit one. Olyphantsypants is the one who points it out. Jerry O’Connell doesn’t help himself with his precious baby face and non-deep arm cut.
0:45:31 - This movie is sponsored by leather jackets, chunky highlights, bob haircuts, lip liner and looks of concern.
0:46:18 - Aunt Becky Metcalf is all over this and being super obvious but I remember being really surprised. Olyphant is being really super obvious too but I also remember being really surprised. I was really stupid when I was younger.
0:48:02 - Jerry O’Connell is on the table singing “I Think I Love You” to Sydney and I think this scene paved the way for Seth Cohen. Olyphant is raising a tiny roof next to him and I am 100% sure he was not directed to do so and was not sure the camera would be on him. I think that’s just default Olyphant.
0:49:43 - Jerry O’Connell gives Sydney his Greek letters. Aw, the frattiest romance, guys!
0:50:47 - LUKE WILSON IS SKEET ULRICH AND I FORGOT THAT TOO AND I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
0:51:15 - How does Stab have the same script as Scream? Was Gail in the hallways transcribing? IS GAIL THE SECRET KILL—no, that makes no sense.
0:53:12 - Oh but it makes enough sense for Randy to suggest that very thing. Oh, and I was mean before because Dewey has a limp because of a severed nerve, not because he’s the real Keyser Soze or something.
0:56:31 - Sydney is a drama major and that makes no sense and her drama teacher is David Warner and he’s trying to Chancellor Gorkon her into staying in the play even though a bunch of people in masks pull knives on her and he implies she’s weak for, like, not feeling that at the moment.
1:02:24 - So, I just did a quick “Where Are They Now” Google and Elise Neal who plays Syd’s roommate is definitely playing Gladys Knight in that LIfetime Aaliyah movie mess.
1:05:23 - Randy goes into a rant about Billy and Stu and calls Billy a mama’s boy. That scene from Stab earlier was the one where Billy talks about his mom leaving. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US, MOVIE?
1:07:22 - Syd gets a VERY ’90s IM saying that she’s going to die and the cops say “it’s probably just a sick joke.” JESUS EVEN IN MOVIES NO ONE BELIEVES A GIRL WHEN SHE’S BEING THREATENED.
1:10:56 - Sorry, I got distracted by the actorations of Liev Schreiber. I don’t know why you guys picked this because I THINK I LOVE IT iSN’T THAT WHAT LIFE IS MADE OF?
1:13:35 - “Look, local woman!” is my new favorite insult and I will be adding it to my insult rolodex at once.
1:15:45 - “What’s in here?” “Just some crap footage Joel shot.” HEY, Joel’s a good man! He’s the voice of reason in this movie!
1:16:50 - They just snuck into school to watch a VHS tape. This was 1997. EVERYWHERE HAD VHS PLAYERS.
1:17:53 - They’re playing the Gail and Dewey twinkly love theme of Christmastime romance again. They start bangaranging and killer footage turns on. Why does serial murder make people omniscient?
1:19:34 - Dewey tried to run down the stairs and fell, which would have been a nice slap in the face to how women run everytime they fall in hororr films if not for the fact that we know Dewey has a disability now. Instead it’s just a crippled man falling down the stairs.
1:21:06 - Gail is running from the killer in a soundproof room that looks like a snowy maze, you know, like in that Stephen King movie, Dreamcatcher.
1:22:19 - Dewey gets stabbed because he stepped in pizza I think. But we know he’s not dead BECAUSE THIS IS A TRILOGY MOTHERFUCKERS. (except when it became a quadrilogy. The fourth one was great, btw—Emma Roberts is a crazy bitch and I love it).
1:23:50 - This movie was also sponsored by ugly khaki windbreakers.
1:25:50 - Apropos of nothing else, Jerry O’Connell is now hanging on a star while people spill beer and stab at him. Frats are weird.
1:26:23 - Syd asks her cop guys where she’s going and they tell her if they told her they’d have to kill her because it’s a good way to lighten the mood with your heavily triggered victim. Then they get killed and that’s what you get for being a fucker.
1:31:50 - The killer got out of the car silently and unseen despite the fact they were watching for him to do just that. NINJAS. NINJAS THE LOT OF THEM.
1:33:31 - The killer cues up some lighting and dramatic music somehow anticipating that’s where Sydney is heading despite the fact he was behind her and/or maybe at a pay phone with Gail Weathers. The killer has a solid working knowledge of theater lights, which is not particularly common among film majors/mom maybe-journlists. This movie makes zero sense.
1:36:13 - OH SNAP PHANTSYPANTS IS THE KILLER. Also, he talks all Screamy with the mask on then suddenly doesn’t, but when he takes off the mask he has to hold the thing to his mouth. Whatever. Jerry O’Connell gets shot which is honestly the most preferable way to die in these movies. Getting stabbed doesn’t sound fun at all.
1:38:07 - Phantsypants is such a good crazy killer. He does that fun eyeroll thing when he monologues.
1:39:32 - BOOM HE’S TAKEN OUT WITH A CHEAP NECKLACE. I’m going to whip my husband with some small pendants and see if that’s possible.
1:40:18 - OK, so Laurie Metcalf is the partner, we all know it, she’s Billy’s mom, but she’s been skulking around campus this whole time and this is the first time Sydney has seen her? SOME BULLSHIT. She shoots and kills Phantsypants. SOME BULLSHIT.
1:44:45 - Sydney is not trying to get away at al, instead she’s making thunder and lightening like it’s a spooky haunted house and how the hell is it working?
1:45:31 - Laurie Metcalf get hit by a pile of foam bricks and I think we’re supposed to be surprised that it doesn’t kill her.
1:46:23 - Cotton Weary is here to save the day while still being creepy.
1:48:32 - The real theme of these movies, the one they hammer home in each and every one, is that Sydney’s mom is a big slut and so really this is all her fault. That’s what the movies tell us anyway.
And that’s the end. Cotton gets a happy ending, he’s gonna be a big star and definitely die in the first 10 minutes of Scream 3. Happy Halloween!