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What Other Nonsense Does Trump Believe Is True?

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | August 4, 2017 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | August 4, 2017 |

Listen, it’s Friday, I just got a job, and everyone needs a drink (I’m pretty sure that’s how that quote goes). But as much as I’d like to leave you with something light and funny, we need to talk about Trump’s incredibly loose grip on reality. We always knew he wasn’t great with policies or words, but I always thought he might have a basic understanding of what is real and what is not. His recently leaked phone conversations prove otherwise. We learned for instance, Trump believes:

- New Hampshire is a drug den (as Seth points out, it’s clearly a drug inn. Or a nice drug B&B).

- That he won New Hampshire (Nuh-uh).

- That refugees held in detention centers are criminals (oh boy).

- And that talking on the phone is the same as talking in person.

These are not things that people with a rudimentary understanding of reality believe. But the bigger question is: what other shit does he think is true? I’ll bet you didn’t know Trump thinks:

- Cesar Chavez is one of those fancy salads cut up real small.

- South Virginia is the elusive 51st state where the fat guy in his parents’ basement is hiding Hillary’s emails.

- The Golden Globes are found only in the most reputable cosmetic surgeons’ offices.

- That “Chief of Staff” title was a pretty good joke they pulled on Priebus. Hehe. Staff.

- Part of the reason China won’t just hurry up and fix that North Korea problem already is that they’re terrified of war what with them being made of glass and everything.

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- Dow Jones is an asshole whose stock market isn’t even that great. Trump could make a much biglyer stock market if he weren’t busy saving the U.S. from Mexico and whatever is beyond Mexico. Plus Dow is a stupid name.

- The female orgasm. (JK. He knows it’s fake, amirite?)

- But seriously, he does actually think kisses are facial handshakes for the womenz.

- [Insert joke about “golden showers”]

- He believes the members of his golf clubs are actually his friends (that one’s sad because it’s true).

And I even heard a crazy, satire site said Trump thinks exercise shortens your life. It’s almost like his insanity is infecting the rest of us, and makes us distrust our own realities. HAHAHAHAHAHA. *Sob*

But seriously, what else does Trump think is true?

This Goes Out To All The Anti-Trumpers Who Worry That Nothing Will Ever Happen | Subscription Addiction: Bright Cellars And Tasting Board Revisited