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'Full Frontal' Covers Trump's 'Speak Loudly In A Threatening And Nonsensical Manner, And Carry A Big, Huge, The Biggest Stick' Policy

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | February 1, 2018 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | February 1, 2018 |


So here’s a thing about me: I love wrestling. Not WWF or E or whatever, but high school, college, Olympic wrestling. I love the shit out of it. You know who the all time winningest NCAA athlete is? Stop listing great football teams, because it’s Cael Sanderson, who went 159 - 0 at Iowa State from 2000 - 2004. He’s also the only NCAA athlete to go all four years undefeated. He was so good I went out of my way to watch his matches even if it meant I’d be missing a home meet at the University of Illinois. Which, yes, I would spend my Saturday mornings/afternoons in college doing. There’s a guy I went to high school with who probably would have unseated Sanderson as the all-time best NCAA wrestler, but he fucked himself up good his senior year. Which I maintain wouldn’t have happened if I’d still been the stat girl. But I had to graduate high school, and move on to college wrestling. So, sorry about that, Izzy.

I bring all this up for two reasons:

1) Sam Bee mentions “the wrestling team” in the clip below, and I want you to have a small idea about how that thrilled me.

2) I’m about to denigrate the shit out of some wrestlers, and I want you to know it comes from a place of love.

See, this past weekend, my boyfriend was nice enough to indulge me by letting me put on the Iowa-Michigan meet (fuck Michigan). And while we were watching, the boyfriend mentioned that his impression of most wrestlers is that they’re badass, tough guys only because they’re willing to get their asses kicked. They’re always ready for a fight, even if they know they’re going to lose and lose ugly. He is one hundred percent correct. Wrestlers, god bless them and their awesome sport, are scrappy sons of bitches, who are almost always primed to show everyone in the room just how well they can take a punch.

And our president has apparently looked at the very worst of an outlook on life, and decided, “We should do that, but on a global scale.”

Jesus Christ, I mean, you know who gets into a lot of fights? The same dumbasses who talk constantly about how no one can kick their asses. You know who doesn’t get into a lot of fights? Fucking Canada. Being “tough” doesn’t mean throwing or taking a punch. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean bragging about how we’re so tough that no one would ever even try to take a swing at us. Because, and I say this as a person who attended significantly too many house parties thrown by wrestlers in high school, there is always someone willing to take a swing. Always.

Being “tough” would ideally mean having enough respect from the global community that when we ask for action to be taken against an asshole country, most people think “Well, the U.S. doesn’t just walk into places blowing shit up, so we should probably trust them on this.” Although that would maybe require that we stop walking into places and blowing shit up. The whole point of Trump’s foreign policy is supposedly to make us the leader of the free world again, and, my dude, it’s significantly easier to lead a group of people who don’t actively hate us because we’re big dumb assholes.

Or, in keeping with the sports metaphor, you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, and you avoid getting your ass kicked one hundred percent of the time that you don’t treat the entire world like it’s a giant threat to be dealt with only through violence. Just ask any 103-pounder.

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