This is going to be a difficult morning for me. John Oliver and I have had a long, and thus far, successful relationship. We’ve disagreed on minor issues (I wouldn’t have been quite so frustrated with Edward Snowden, but I understand where Oliver is coming from), but I’ve never sincerely questioned the man’s mental faculties until watching this rather inconsequential web exclusive. I don’t want to exaggerate my response so I’ll just say: I think John Oliver might be a monster.
I’m sorry that I need to draw additional attention to one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen, but we need to talk about breadpants.
Not OK. Very much not OK. First of all, that’s clearly supposed to be some kind of flaky baguette. Meaning that every time you tried to move around in those breadpants, you’d crack the crust creating more of a mess and ruin the bread integrity. Which, while bad, isn’t close to as big of a problem as the fact that putting your legs inside the bread and sitting on it will completely destroy the light, fluffy interior of the bread. Are you looking to eat a condensed, sweaty bread ball? Because that’s what you’re asking for with this garbage. I know it’s only intended to be a joke, but breadpants aren’t just a bad idea. They’re openly offensive. The real answer is a breadblanket. You take slices of any decent bread (I personally like a crusty sourdough), and lay them out over your chest/ stomach/ leg areas. Whichever piece of bread has food dropped on it is the next piece you eat. Your meal is over when your lap is visible. It’s a simple, effective, and, most importantly, hygienic way of keeping your couch eating pants clean. And it will save you the embarrassment of having to admit you’re such a slob you use “breadpants.” Shame on you, Mr. Oliver.