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Sofia Vergara Is Being Sued By Her Embryos and Yes, It's Time to Be Terrified

By Vivian Kane | Horror | December 8, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Horror | December 8, 2016 |

Last year, Sofia Vergara’s dead-eyed weasel of an ex decided to deal with his breakup in a weird, gross, very public way: he filed a complaint to earn custody of the former couple’s frozen embryos, then proceeded to grab at every headline possible, including writing a lengthy op-ed about the process in the New York Times. (Side note: fuck you, New York Times.)

At the time, Courtney perfectly articulated what this legal battle was really about. It wasn’t about religion, or fatherhood, or a “right to live.” It was about control and about being super butthurt that your ex was marrying Joe Manganiello. Which I get. If my ex were marrying a Magic Mike star, I’d be pretty insecure, too. Most of us would. But most of us wouldn’t sink as low as possible and attempt to hold some frozen cells hostage all for the purpose of needing all the attention in the room.

And now, after more than a year and a half of letting us forget about his miserable self, Nick Loeb just upped the disgusting to an impossible (god, I wish it were impossible) degree. He’s now filed a lawsuit on behalf of those frozen embryos, which he’s given the names Isabella and Emma.

To be clear, just because you give a petri dish a name, that does not make it your daughter. Also, Vergara’s lawyer released a statement clarifying that those named test tubes “are not embryos, but rather frozen fertilized ova.” He also uses the term “pre-embryos.” I tried to figure out what the difference was and came up short, so forgive my inaccurate language. If anyone cares to explain the difference below, I definitely am curious.

But, curious and confusing as this may be, one thing is crystal-fucking-clear: this is despicable, and infuriating, and terrifying.

First of all, the lawsuit is filed in Louisiana, an historically pro-life state. In fact, it was named the #1 pro-life state six years in a row by Americans United For Life before being unseated this year by Oklahoma. (Congratulations on hating women the most, Oklahoma!) That in itself is scary because, in this time of potential doom for reproductive rights, this is not a court case we want to see in a state that continues to view women’s rights as secondary to those of a collection of cells.

The move to Louisiana makes sense, though, since the California judge ruled in favor of Vegara last year after, among other bullshittery, Vergara pointed out that Loeb had paid for the abortions of two ex-girlfriends he’d impregnated. Weird, considering Loeb is just a super moral guy who views all life definitely equally from the moment of lab-based-conception and has absolutely nothing else to gain here.

Oh, except that the grounds of the lawsuit are based in a trust that Loeb and Vergara reportedly set up for their future children (not current children— again, giving them names and repeatedly calling them babies as Loeb is doing does not make them such). Loeb is proclaiming that by not being born, these fertilized ova are being denied their inheritance.

There it is. The money. Always follow the money, they say. No fucking way does Nick Loeb actually want to raise these children. I’m not inside his head (thank GOD), but dollars to fancy-ass Beverly Hills cronuts he’d end up getting child support for getting these things implanted in a surrogate and born. Not to mention headlines, ATTENTION (his clear true motivator), probably a book, maybe a reality show. And then there’s that trust. Sure, that’s in place for the “daughters,” but is there anyone here not rolling their eyes at the idea that it wouldn’t also end up at least partially in Loeb’s grabby hands?

Add to that the fact that the embryos’ trustee, James Charbonnet, is also listed as a plaintiff in this case, and yeah, okay, keep telling me about how Loeb is basically an IRL Harrison Ford character just trying to get his family back.

This isn’t about life. It’s not about religion or morals or family. It’s about money. Of course, it’s also about ego and control and how dare that woman be more more famous than him and move on so publicly, but mostly, yeah. Money.

All of that, for any lawyer-types reading, let’s place under the big banner of ALLEGEDLY. (That covers my butt, right?) Obviously, I’m speculating.

Except it’s definitely about money.

If you want to, you can read the whole detailed rundown of this awfulness over on Page Six.