This TV season has been rife with conspiratorial speculations, with some great minds burrowing down as deep as they can into the rabbit holes of mystery and meta-textual references. First, SLW showed us just how densely producers Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard packed their “Arrested Development” return with footnotes about the show’s own behind-the-scenes origin; then Dustin went precog on us, developing such a substantial theory about the fate of Don Draper’s second wife, Megan, that this Sunday’s episode was the second most tense hour of television this year. (Only behind “The Rains of Castamere” on HBO’s “Game of Thrones,” naturally.) It doesn’t matter if The Dark Tower references ultimately have no point, or if Megan Draper is still alive (for now), these were immensely fun pieces to read, and I wanted to have some fun, too.
All of which brings us to my own conspiracy theory, also regarding this Netflix season of “Arrested Development.” After all, this is a show that is notorious for its coy reveals that become blindingly obvious in retrospect. Remember the identiy of Mr. F? This is like that, only with darker themes — like murder and kidnapping — and perhaps more absurd in its ultimate revelation. Season 4, as anyone who has seen the entirety, knows that the interconnected stories don’t, apparently, come to a big interwoven sequence or satisfyingly conjoined conclusion, but simply end — or just stop — on their own independent terms at basically the same location, the annual Cinco de Quatro party. And yet, in the last five episodes, a mystery for whatever the next installment of “Arrested” winds up being is revealed (spoilers if you haven’t watched all the episodes yet): The disappearance and possible murder of Lucille “Two” Austero, played by the always squeekily delightful Liza Manelli.
I have no doubt that however Hurwitz and company manage to tie up this loose thread, re-watching this most recent season of the series will undoubtedly make us feel wee-brained for not noticing it the whole time. I could easily be wrong about all, or any, of this, but I’ve discovered what I think are some pretty compelling facts about the likely identity of the culprit (it’s not Buster) and the probable motives behind the crime (it’s got nothing to do with revenge). Below are my pieces of evidence detailing precisely Who is Responsible for the Fate of Lucille Two, and Why. Enjoy?
Martin Mull plays Gene PARMESAN in the show, private dick and “master of disguise.”
Martin Mull played Colonel MUSTARD in Clue, one of several killers. Mull has been in movies and television for decades, why focus on the murder mystery unless it matters?
Throughout the season, characters are seen mysteriously eating a MUSTARD and PARMESAN CHEESE combo plate. Disgusting and foreshadowing?
Lucille “2/Two” Austero was supposedly murdered at the Cinco de Quatro party.
Gene Parmesan was at the Cinco de Quatro party; in disguise wearing a poncho, sombrero and fake moustache.
In Clue, Col. Mustard kills his EX-DRIVER in one of the multiple endings. (Skip to 1:00)
Gene needs a knife that can, quote, “both filet a chicken and subdue an intruder.”
Lucille Two is often seen wearing feather boas and sporting feathered hair, like a bird. Like a CHICKEN?
Lucille Two is killed on the stair car, Michael’s EX-DRIVE for three seasons, making her CHICKEN-LIKE an INTRUDER.
Gene is initially hired by Lucille Bluth to follow Herbert Love, Lucille Two’s political rival, who then becomes Lindsay’s political rival when Love falls into a coma, which makes Lucille Two an enemy to the Bluths.
This is on top of the Lucille Two’s maritime court witness statement being the one piece of evidence that directly led to Lucille B.’s conviction and imprisonment.
This puts Lucille B.’s turn of phrase “get back at her,” in regards to Lucille Two’s rehab clinic actually helping her, into a new light from Gene’s perspective. (Supposition; no proof Lucille B. also used this phrase around Gene Parmesan, but it would be ironic considering her hate for the overly literal doctor.)
In his work for Lucille B., Gene photographs Love with a prostitute, but from Lindsay’s episode we know she is, in fact, a “Red Hairing.”
We know GOB told George Sr. that Lucille Two was already “taken care of”, but he couldn’t be behind her murder/disappearance because he was with Tony Wonder.
Meaning he must have hired someone to do it, and who better than the man he saw at the knife store, Gene Parmesan?
Just before Lucille Two is murdered/disappeared, Gene is at the Donkey Punch tent, serving a RED colored “juice” to Buster.
But suddenly Gene is nowhere to be seen after Buster knocks out Herbert Love…
And yet the crime scene where Lucille Two is killed/where Lucille Two disappears is covered in a trail of RED liquid that looks like blood, but due to Buster’s reaction may actually be Gene Parmesan’s donkey punch!
Meaning the most logical conclusion based on the evidence is that the “murder” of Lucille Two that Buster is arrested for is the actual red herring. She is not dead, but apparently kidnapped by Gene Parmesan, who accidentally implicates Buster when, in the unseen scuffle, Lindsay’s banner…
…is ripped off the stair car; causing it to land on the ground on its reverse side, seen earlier in season 4 and introduced in season 2, reading: “You’re killing me Buster.”
Lucille 2 is not dead, but kidnapped, and for possibly no reason at all, by Gene Parmesan, who merely thinks he’s doing a job he was hired to do. Or it’s a frame job on Lucille Two’s part, and a very bad one at that. Because when Gene is “undercover” at Cinco de Quatro, he is wearing green…
…and in Clue, Mr. Green, as portrayed by MICHAEL McKean, was the only character who didn’t commit a murder, because he was an undercover FBI agent.
Speaking of that comedic murder mystery movie, is it a coincidence that MICHAEL Bluth not only did something mysteriously “shameful” but was also DRIVING Martin Mull (a.k.a. Colonel Mustard, a.k.a. the DRIVER killer) when they were following GOB. (See Exhibit F for relevancy.)
Meaning the real mystery is when and why did Michael Bluth get that bloody (or is it juice-y?) Bluth Frozen Banana Stand shirt?