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The Official Pajiba Dictionary

By Dustin Rowles | Guides | July 2, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Guides | July 2, 2009 |

Welcome to the Pajiba Dictionary. This dictionary is a collection of terms, events, people, and expressions that have been popularized on the site Pajiba, largely in the comments section. These terms, events, and expressions are the backbone of the site’s mythology. However, the mythology is ever-evolving, and as such, this dictionary will be added to over time.

If you would like to suggest additional definitions, please leave a comment below.

Alabamapink: (1975 - 2009). Pajiba’s Queen Warrior. Pajibette, Cannonball reader, wife and mother to Lil’ Pink, blogger, true inspiration to hundreds of people she had never met. She passed away March 25, 2009. On March 26, Pajiba had more visitors than it ever had up to that point. Eloquent Eloquence, which went on hiatus after her passing, is now forever dedicated to her memory.

BarbadoSlim: Is a man of fine taste and unique appetites. Harboring deep grudges against the management, Slim often lashes out but has been recognized for his ability to keep them in check. His greatest foe is TK, as BSlim was held captive in the Necromancer’s basement for several months of 2008. The situation surrounding his escape is still questioned by Pajiban scholars and as of today his location can only be narrowed down to an obscure Island in the Caribbean.

Baynis: Michael Bay’s penis.

Bianca Reagan (See also: Misogyny). Bianca Reagan was a former frequent commenter who was a blogger and self-published author. Her PajibaIdentity also happened to be the name of the main character of her self-published book which also shared the title of her blog (Got all that?). After causing a shitstorm in the comment thread over the her criticism that Superbad was rampantly misogynistic, Bianca mysteriously vanished in self-imposed exile

Butthole Day: November 6. The most extraordinary nutsuckiest day of the year!

Cannonball Read: A race among Pajiba readers to read 100 books in under a year. Brian Prisco won the first Cannonball Read.

Charming Potota: The official nickname of Channing Tatum (coined by TK).

Conrad: Skitz’s dipshit cousin.

Department of Homeland Security: Cabinet department of the U.S. federal government with the responsibility of protecting the territory of the U.S. from terrorist attacks and responding to natural disasters. In May 2005, under the Bush administration, DHS mysteriously seized the hard drives of the server Pajiba then resided on, offering no explanation nor ever returning hard drive (several other sites also resides on the server). The site was rebuilt from Google caches, and any and all comments prior to May 2005, as well as a handful of comments and our short-lived political section, were forever lost.

DildOscar: Originally the Pink Oscar, or Plastic Oscar. Also known as Rattle-DildOscar, often confused with Dildo-Scar.

Do Splits Across the Dance Floor: Standard by which useless talents are measured in terms of ability to drop the slackened jaws of yokels everywhere. Usage: That girl on ANTM really knew how to work it — she could do splits across the entire dance floor!

The Eloquents: Term for Pajiba contributors, link-whores and commenters in mass. Semi-ironic given the — ahem — quality of commentary. Yet, an exalted state. If you have to ask whether you’re one of the Eloquents, you aren’t.

Eloquent Eloquence: Weekly post dedicated to the top ten comments per week. Comments currently compiled by Prolixity Julien (Mrs. Julien).

The Emu: Bradley Cooper (coined by Paddydog)

Extraordinary Nutsack: a compliment; what most aspire to be. (origin, TV whore)

First! or First?: An outburst smacking of crippling stupidity and overwhelming lack of creativity, insight or thought, this word is used throughout the web to indicate that one is the first person to comment on a particular entry, while adding nothing at all substantive, interesting or funny to the story.

It is not well-received here at Pajiba. The use of a “First!” post should not be coupled with the expectation of remaining in the discussion without being subjected to derision, merciless mocking, and generally being called stupid and/or obnoxious. Which you are.

Fucknuttery: Used to convey utter disbelief at someone’s combined stupidity, insanity, and general assholiness.

Funbags: A term of endearment about Scarlett Johansen’s best asset.

Ginger Crush: An infatuation, most times one of the romantic variety, with those who have red hair.

The Great White Pilgrimage: Refers to the trek Canadians living in the United States make back to their homeland to ingest large quantities of maple syrup and poutine, otherwise they turn into self bronzing Jersey-douches.

Godtopus: The official deity of Pajiba.

Godtopussy: Deity of Paheebans. Mate of the Godtopus. Distinguished from her male counterpart by a prominent Pink Bow and voluptuous boobies.

Hot Pocket: 1. A woman’s business district; 2. Something no one would never eat; 3. It’s a vagina, dipshit.

I’ll be in my bunk: Expression following in depth description of Pajiban “most bangables,” eg: Christian Bale, RDJ, Christina Hendricks, etc., or even mere mention of, provoking sexual fantasies involving one or more (usually more) of said bangables, requiring the Pajiban to retire to a private location to spend time alone with his or herself and often an implement of some kind which may or may not plug into the wall.

Jay: Contrarian.

Julie: Alpha chick numero uno AKA original Pajibette. Always available to give accolades to a funny commenter while usually leaving the thread’s funniest comments herself. The girls all wanna be her and the guys all wanna be with her.

Joshua Jackson R.I.P.: the corpse of the Canadian-American actor, who had appeared in primetime television in and in several film roles, he was best known for playing Pacey in the television series “Dawson’s Creek” and Charlie in The Mighty Ducks films.

Kolbaby: Son of Kolby. Pajiba’s Baby Jesus.

Lil’ Pajiba: The child of Dustin Rowles and Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate. Widely believed to be named Axl Rowles, Lil’ Pajiba’s clothes and food are paid for by revenue generated mostly from creepy American Apparel sidebar ads.

Mah boobs: The Paheeeban anthem, as sung by Sofia.

Mammarifous: Being possesed of or in reference to a spectacular set of breasteses. May be used in conjunction with other descriptive words to designate level of mammarifousness, as in “mammarifous magnificence.”

Misogyny: When, right before intercourse, the man can’t find a woman’s bipolar hole and pokes around like a blind man with a cane. The woman says, “You missed my vagina,” or, “you missed my ‘gina,” or also, “mis-o-gyna!” (she can’t speak correctly due to the frustration she feels at the inability to please her man), and finally, “you misogynistic pig!”

And that’s why women become lesbians.

The Moviegoer’s Prayer (Introduced by bluejayone): The Lord is my usher; I shall not speak. He maketh me to sit down on vinyl seats: he leadeth me along the sticky floors. He redeemeth my stubs: he leadeth me on the path of the right theater for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the aisle of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil plot: for film art with me; thy flashlight and thy courteous staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a popcorn tub before me in the presence of mine spouse: thou anointest my head with faux butter; my soda cup runneth over. Surely mine audience’s silence and civility shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the moviehouse of the Loews forever.

The bathrooms are His and the cleanliness thereof; the stalls, and they that dwell therein. For he hath founded it upon the relief, and established it upon the floods received thereof before showtime and afterward.

Lift up your heads, O ye screens; even lift them up, ye everlasting previews; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King? The humble projectionist, and his glory be the flickering Light he shines.

Lord Please Maketh This Movie Not Sucketh.

So say we all…Amen!

Murdertank: The Pajiba vehicular weapon of choice. Salvaged, modified and adapted by the infamous Skitz for use in extreme situations calling for massive quantities of alcohol and violence. The Murdertank is equipped with a fully functional whiskey fountain, Bloody Mary bar, ice machine and weapons which cannot be identified here (Pajiba Security Level 5). Warning: the Murdertank may cause injury or death.

(Movie Title 2): In Your Pants: The definitive name for all movie sequels. Originally, the sequel names were something like (Movie Title 2): Electric Boogaloo, but that name was banned after the Pajibatites got tired of it. MG suggested on the “In Your Pants” game they used to play while drinking, which was to add “In Your Pants” to the end of any movie title, and the default sequel name was born.

The Overlords: The mighty overseers, they who shall not be named …who shall one day be brought down, by BarbadoSlim’s hand.

Paheeba Day: A day of sweetness and light that shines in the darkness of Pajiba history; a day of Pink (Alabama that is). In honor, and to raise the spirits of our fearless heroine, some of Pajiba’s finest chicks bound and gagged the boys for a day and wrote some damned fine columns.

Pajibacon: (Also known simply as Bacon) Convention of Pajiba Eloquents, commenters and reviewers. Events include Taco Dip Scrabble, MurderTank rides, drinking contests and mass orgies. [n.b.: has nothing to do with bacon, unless of course you want it to, and then, hey, whatever gets you off…] Two Bacons have so far occurred in Austin, Texas (March 2009) and Philadelphia (June 2009).

Pajiba After Dark: The late-night, pornstar cousin of Pajiba in which your favorite Eloquents get down right filthy.

The Pajiban Drinking Game: A devilishly clever game devised by Alex the Odd to be followed when reading Pajiba comments (note: if you strictly follow the game rules, you will die of alcohol poisoning)

Panda: Black and white mammal (not actually a bear), known for eating bamboo, living in zoos, and being prime victims for sexy, marshmallow-y rape by commenter jM.

PissBoy: Vitriol-spilling malcontent who takes pride in his visions of elaborate, unusual deaths experienced by the shittiest of Hollywood; Pajiba’s Unofficial Poet Laureate.

Pookie: To date, the only Eloquent who has ever been banned from the site and been reinstated (one other has been banned for life, no exceptions). The Overlords have never proffered a reason, though some suggest it was his hatred of Kevin Smith. A more likely explanation is that he alienated too many other Eloquents and was given the boot temporarily. He has, however, been lovingly accepted back into the fold.

Rainbow Killer: See Skank Cancer. Also enjoys eating kittens and baby tears for breakfast.

Ranylt: Refers to Ranylt Richilids, a reviewer currently on extended hiatus. She coined the term Eloquent. A Ranylt is an inexplicably difficult to parse complete sentence, adhering to the strictest rules of grammar and structure, yet beautifully apt and insightful (antonym: Sarah Palin).

Ryan Reynolds’ abs: Something which Rowles covets in a totally sexual-non-sexual way.

Sandy Vagina: Origins come from the early days of Pajiba (post-political commentary, pre-Godtopus). Dustin had a recurring theme of referring to Smith graduates in less than flattering terms, some commenters took offense and married their indignation to a couple of humorous references to roles in movies that didn’t exactly promote female empowerment. One of the first ever flame wars broke out in the Pajibaverse when a reviewer responded to these comments by addressing himself to those of you with “sand in your vaginas.” PaddyDog may have been the first commenter to post an ironic comment under the name “Sandy Vagina” but since then it has become standard nomenclature for a feminist who is pissed off by something Dustin wrote, or as we say around here, “business as usual.”

Scrabble Sex: A Pajiba orgy involving Scrabble tiles.

SkankCancer: An ugly-on-the inside actress who shall not be named. Enjoys pilates, yogurt, and bitching about movies once she’s already finished making them. After uproar over the use of her name, it was subsequently changed to Rainbow Killer.

Sweater Vests: Official uniform of Pajiba, inspired by the fashion of TK.

Sugartits: Term of affection for Pajibettes typically employed by BarbadoSlim. As in, “Go make me a sandwich, sugartits.”

Taylor Llamautner: The official nickname for Taylor Lautner (coined by snaphiss).

TK’s Basement: A sinister subterranean cavern in Massachusetts constructed to house zombie hordes in humane conditions until they are unleashed on unsuspecting enemies of the Pajibaverse as needed (see also: Tank, Murder). TK’s basement was the subject of intense scrutiny in the Spring of 2008 when fellow Pajiban and TK archenemy, BarbadoSlim disappeared without explanation from the Pajibaverse for several months. To date no explanation has been offered for his sudden absence or even more sudden re-appearance. Other rumored inhabitants of TK’s basement: Stardust Savant, Alex the Odd (since returned), John Williams (albeit apparently on a day-pass ankle bracelet release program).

Twatwaffle: slang: vulgar. Coined after the term douchebag was determined to be too cliche to be an effective term of derision. 1. A total asshole; 2. Synonym for douchebag; 3. Skitz’s dipshit cousin Conrad.

Sofia: The one with thah boobs.

Special Valley: Used in reference to (and in reverence of) a woman’s naughty bits. (That’s her vagina.) Or possibly a salad dressing. Also known as vagooter, hidden valley, hot pocket, girl junk, RDJ’s year-round home.

Taco Dip: A delicious multi-layered snack consisting of sour cream, salsa, lettuce, and shredded cheddar cheese. Was declared the unofficial dip of choice for Pajiban orgies.

TOOTBOG: The Order Of The Blue Omnipotent Godtopus

Whiskeybabyninjastar! — The mystical combination of AlabamaPink’s son (Little Pink), his throwing stars, and TK’s beloved firewater. Unleash Whiskeybabyninjastar! and you’ll be sure to wreak incredible levels of havoc and mayhem.


The Pajiba Origin Story: Though the definition of the word Pajiba is unclear, one Eloquent, Optimus Ryhme, suggested that the true meaning of the word is a tale most sinister. It began with 4 friends — Dustin Rowles, Jeremy C. Fox, Ranylt Richildis and their Latino chum Pajiba Vendejo. They would summer in the woods of New England, trading pop cultural tidbits and vocabulary words. They shared countless unforgettable summers.

But that all ended in the summer of 1998.

A new show premiered called “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.” It seemed harmless, a fun breezy show coasting along on the charm of its leads. And yet, such a humble show changed their lives forever.

Pajiba began to mock the show mercilessly, especially the charismatic character “Berg.” The others laughed and laughed as Pajiba insulted his looks and his hair. As Pajiba moved on to his physique, a scrotum-tightening shriek pierced the air. Before the others could stop him, Dustin had pinned Pajiba down and was choking him.
With strength enhanced by pure rage (and half a hard-on) Dustin took young Pajiba’s life.

The three friends vowed to never speak of this travesty, and to honor his memory. In time, Dustin devoted this site to his dearly departed friend, if not for his memory, than only to help him sleep at night.

The three friends would meet every year to renew their vow of silence and speak fondly of him. However, Dustin became jaded and arrogant as the years went by. He forgot his friends and began to disappear into his work. But Pajiba would have his revenge. One by One, Pajiba is making them disappear. Only time will tell when Rowles will be next.

Contributors to this Dictionary include, but is not limited to, the following Eloquents: Sean, Ranylt, Cindy, Skittimus Maximus, Tamatha, BWeaves, Julie, Optimus Rhyme, Alexandra, JP, : Saint Saturn Sunshine, TK, branded, Alex the Odd, Anna von Beaverplatz, Jamiepants, Double H, Marra, superedna, PaddyDog Bierce Ambrose, Melody, luckycat, Sofia, cubicalgirl, Wednesday, The Pink Hulk, DeadBessie, Mike R., admin, bucdaddy, becks, admin.