The 2015 Pajiba Ten: The 10 Most Bunkworthy Celebrities on the Planet
By The Pajiba Staff | Guides | July 16, 2015 |
By The Pajiba Staff | Guides | July 16, 2015 |
It’s that time of year, folks. The freebie votes have been cast, the hormones have been frenzied, the GIFs have been shared, and the blood has been spilled (mostly, in tabulating the votes among over 2000 comments). The Pajiba 10 is here, and a new King has been anointed.
We say this every year, and now in its ninth iteration, it is no less true: The Pajiba 10 is the perfect entry point into our little spot on the Internet. The actors and actresses who comprise the Pajiba 10 are a great reflection of the mentality of the readers and contributors of this site. We value talent and playfulness, the two qualities that seem to bring out the elected members sex appeal the most. We love self-awareness but eschew self-seriousness: A guy who can vie for an Oscar and turn around and walk through the floors at Comic Con or do a silly off-the-cuff impression during an junket interview is the kind of person we value the most: Smart and witty are paramount, but a nice ass doesn’t hurt.
There are eight new entrants into this year’s Pajiba 10, a new number one, and no new members will be added into our Hall of Fame.
Here is your 2015 Pajiba 10
10. Michael B. Jordan
He’s all soft eyes and that blinding smile that radiates genuine joy at the drop of a hat. He walks with that gentle swagger of a kind man, the confidence that comes not from arrogance but from happiness. But there’s a darkness lurking there too, a hard edge illuminated by the light. Within those tender eyes is also the simmering rage of a quiet man, that doesn’t lash out, but builds to a fever. He radiates heat, not just from mundane beauty, but from the passion that mounts in all the stretched out seconds of silence. But like all good men, his anger is never triumphant, however righteous it burns. It’s salt stained with sorrow. Broad shoulders and coiled muscles, those are but the frame to carry that smile and dangerous eyes. Men and women fall in love with him the way that they fall in love with ideas. — Steven Lloyd Wilson
9. Natalie Dormer
Maybe it’s the devilish half-grin, the one that means she’s sized you up, figured out how to beat you nine different ways, and moved onto someone better before you can even stammer, “Hello.” Maybe it’s the way she — and absolutely no one else, SO STAHP TRYING LADIES! — can make the “escaped from an evil hospital midway through being prepped for mind-control surgery” haircut seem like a brilliant, sexy style choice. It could be her effortless onscreen charm, cunning wit, seizure-inducing beauty or those eyes conveying fierce intelligence, unbridled lust and bottomless warmth with equal sincerity.
Hell, I don’t need to sell you on Natalie Dormer. That’s like convincing you to like money or air. I’d hide in a garbage can for three days praying she throws spoiled Thai food on my head. Dormer’s flawlessness makes me want to throat-punch a two-first-named 18-year-old actor — who is by all accounts a perfectly nice young man — because his fictional character got to have pretend sex with her … offscreen. Thus is the depth of my attraction. Dormer is cooler, funnier, hotter and more interesting than anyone you know. Or anyone they know. Or anyone ever. Hashtag objective science facts. — Brian Byrd
8. Charlie Cox
So, a few years back, my best friend sat me down and had me watch a little movie called Stardust. It was worse than hemorrhoids. I’m mad just thinking about it. But the guy in it? The love interest? He was dreamy. But, as I blocked out that horrendous movie and Robert De Niro’s ungodly and offensive performance therein as a gay stereotype that he is hugely lucky preceded Twitter, I forgot about the film’s sole bright spot. Then, he popped up on Boardwalk Empire, seducing Margaret Schroeder Thompson and the rest of us right along with her.
And then? There was Matt Murdock. And good god.
He’s strong. He’s calm. He’s got a quiet grin and a secret behind his sightless eyes. And he can goddamn destroy 10 bad guys, earning himself the world’s sexiest scratches and stab wounds (figuratively and very literally, he needs fixing—the three words guaranteed to flood my proverbial basement every time). He’s the hero Hell’s Kitchen needs and the one the Pajiba 10 gleefully deserves. And he has very attractive tattoos I’d be quite interested in rubbing my face on. Those eyes. That smile. THAT ACCENT. If we were playing Pajiba 10 bingo, you’d be screaming “BINGO!” right now and also calling out to your higher power of choice. That is the magic of Charlie Cox.
Oh, and, hey, Natalie? Charlie Cox also does a thing with his mouth.
The word you’re looking for is holyzhivavazhagashlammamahammassssss *shudder/ecstasy swoon*. — Courtney Enlow
7. Oscar Isaac
Oscar Isaac is a newcomer to our Pajiba affections, but when he landed here, boy did he land hard. After paying his dues being the best part of some truly terrible movies, he’s finally found his niche: terrifyingly intense sexibility. This is a man who has harnessed the power of the beard and the glower, to hold us captive in his intensity. Because though he be but little, he is fierce, and his power lies in his powerful, if sometimes terrifying stare.
Oscar Isaac may have just come to our attention this year, but his star is only going to rise. Fast. Over the next couple of years, he will have fought X-Men and travelled to a galaxy far, far away.
So good on you for recognizing Oscar Isaac’s magic before his blockbusters hit. Here is your reward for your foresight. — Vivian Kane
6. Gillian Anderson
From the second she stepped into Dana Scully’s skeptical shoes, to slipping an arm into one of Stella Gibson’s trademark crisp, white shirts, Gillian Anderson has perfected the art of being someone else, while still maintaining that magical bit of herself that grabs our attention and never lets go. How is it possible that someone so breathtakingly gorgeous from the moment we first laid eyes on her, has only gotten more beautiful the longer we’ve known her? Confidence, intelligence, independence, strength … the traits of characters Gillian Anderson chooses to play reflect the woman behind them. Once she’s onscreen we’re rapt, helpless under her spell as long as she wants us there. Just as her brilliant Dr. Bedelia Du Maurier — Hannibal Lecter’s (and Mads’) only possible equal — she’s clearly in control of…everything. This year she’s kicking ass with three leading roles in three television series (The X-Files, The Fall, Hannibal); she’s a best-actress award nominee for her ongoing performance as Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire (traveling from London to New York next year); she’s an author, activist, feminist, mother and proud sailor-mouth, and she’s open to dating any of us. Though she denies being iconic, Anderson can’t help herself; she just is — everything we want, and everything we want to be. — Cindy Davis
5. Chris Pratt — Fat, ripped, bearded, clean-shaven … it doesn’t matter. The essence of Chris Pratt’s sexiness doesn’t live in his abs or tight butt. The man has an adorable playfulness about him that comes through whether he’s stumbling through a park office or leading a pack of raptors. There’s am innate sense of self that Pratt carries in every role he plays. He has no fear of looking like a fool if it means making us laugh.
I mean, yes. Those abs don’t hurt anything.
Pratt also makes awesome bets with other Pajiba Ten members that benefit sick kids in hospitals.
He also understands the obsession with fanfic concerning the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
He’ll French braid your hair and remain ever manly and self-assured while doing it.
In a game of Bang, Marry, Falcon Punch, Chris Pratt is the one you want to Marry. Nice choice, Pajibans. — Jodi Clager
4. Jessica Williams
Yeah yeah, Trevor Noah may turn out to be an OK host of The Daily Show, but around here, Jessica Williams is still our pick as Jon Stewart’s heir apparent. A correspondent for the show since 2012, Williams routinely hands clueless interviewees their asses as she slyly, deftly “fake” covers the news. She can be silly, and she can be blistering. And she’s only 25! The baby of this list. (At least she wasn’t born in the ’90s; then we’d start feeling a bit dirty.) She’s lovely on the outside, yes — those eyes, that hair, that smile — but it’s her brains and sense of humor that really make us weak in the knees. Where Jessica Williams leads, we will follow. — Sarah Carlson
3. Chris Evans — The trouble with mind-meltingly hot people is that sometimes you start to wonder how practical your infatuation may be. Sure, you’ll be more than happy to take this to bed:
But what happens down the road? Even the lustiest among us must occasionally venture outside, or have entertained the idea of perhaps introducing our fantasy conquest to other humans. After all, half the fun is in the bragging and you need verifiable proof. And we are, of course, too classy to resort to clandestine and morally questionable photography to back up our claims. Here is where Chris Evans is the perfect Freebie Five pick; you get this in the sheets:
And this when the time comes to meet your friends for coffee:
Still handsome! But not handsome enough to drive your friends so wild with desire that they stab you with sharpened coffee stirrers to get at him. Plus, he’d be great at meeting parents:
So polite! So clean-cut! What a nice young man you have there! Perhaps your mom and/or dad would take a little too long to look back at you when you were talking, or hug him just a second too long when it was time to leave, but he’d make a perfectly respectable companion. Until later, when you could have this:
All to yourself. — Genevieve Burgess
2. Hayley Atwell
Hayley Atwell effortlessly radiates the kind of sexiness that can envelope you; she has an aura that can enter you and make you at once feel the warmth of a shot of whiskey and the chill that accompanies all of your blood whooshing out of your head. She has the sort of smoldering flirtatiousness that makes you want to crawl into the backseat of a car, press yourself up against her with quaking ferocity and engage in acts that are still illegal in most states.
But after that first kiss — a soft, warm kiss that smells like honeysuckle and tastes like champagne — your knees will buckle and you will fall into the puddle of her lap, where her hair will fall over your face as she runs her fingers down her neck, slowly across her cleavage, and gently across your cheek. While she gently pulls you against her body and smiles coyly, she will sneak that hand up your chest and across the back of your neck, where she will wryly stick one finger in your ear and give you the biggest wet willy of your goddamn life.
Because that’s the kind of person Hayley Attwell is: Apocalyptically sexy with a painfully devilish sense of humor. — Grainger Heavensbee
1. John Oliver
This, folks. This is what that “Mission Accomplished” banner should have been meant for. It started with whispers and sly suggestions (thank you, emmalita and cox). But somewhere right around April, the idea that the vaguely goofy- looking, bespectacled, British Jon Stewart was actually sexy started to take root. Yep, that’s right. This dude is officially sexy. And John Oliver, as though he knew what was at stake, decided to up the ante. By winning a Peabody. By being named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People. By putting out episode after unbelievable episode. By producing what is still the finest 45 minutes of television this year, and using trucknuts as a prop while doing so. And by staying just a little bit dangerous.
He is your Nerdy, Bunkworthy King. Bow down, bitches. — Emily Chambers