I was reflecting yesterday on how I’m not so sure what I’m doing as an Adult Person. I felt directionless and unsure of what to do next. Then I realized that I’ve been learning how to live as an adult my whole life from the most respectable and honest source: Movies.
1. Adventures are a great way to grow and learn life skills. Especially if the whole thing backfires and you end up with a murderer of some kind chasing you. (See: The Descent; As Above, So Below; Willow Creek)
2. Having children can be a great way to adult! Be careful, though, because children are real lightning rods for ghosts and demonic entities that will attempt to kill you. (See: Paranormal Activity 2; The Conjuring 2; Insidious)
3. Take the time to hone your chosen craft or career. Immersing yourself in every aspect of your profession will probably not lead to your death. (See: American Psycho; Maniac)
4. Start making a diary of the things you feel and do with a video camera. Soon you’ll be seeing and hearing strange apparitions that police will later comb through to ascertain your whereabouts. (See: The Blair Witch Project; Cloverfield; Paranormal Activity)
5. You have to grow up fast when you own your home. Think about finding a fixer-upper in your price range, rolling up your sleeves, and figuring out why the walls are bleeding and wispy children are walking through them. (See: The Amityville Horror; Stir of Echoes)
6. Make friends that own boats. Make plans to go out for a day trip on one of them. Don’t forget emergency supplies, a working phone, or leaving word with someone to look for you in a certain area if you don’t show up at a specified time! (See: Triangle; Open Water 2)
7. Romantic relationships are important. Make sure you ignore subtle clues to a person’s true self if you want to really grow up fast. (See: Fear; Fatal Attraction; Obsessed)
8. Help those people that you see in need during your daily life. They are most likely being held against their will or running a scam, but you still need to help. (See: Jeepers Creepers; Silence of the Lambs)
9. Learn how to be alone. Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is sit at home with a good book or movie. You can do this completely alone or with a significant other, but you will always be vulnerable to passing psychotics that decide you need a-killin’. (See: Hush; The Strangers; When A Stranger Calls)
10. If kids aren’t for you, get a pet! Remember to keep them healthy so they don’t trap anyone in a hot car or run into traffic. (See: Cujo; Man’s Best Friend; Monkey Shines; Pet Sematary)
I hope that this has been a helpful guide to Adulting, aka Dulling Anxiety With Pills And/Or Booze Just To Get Through It All!