As most of you know by know by now, in a citizen initiative yesterday, Maine — my state of residence — narrowly repealed a law making same-sex marriage legal in the state, 53 to 47 percent. If you’d lived here for the last three or four months, you’d probably know why, too. The opposition to gay marriage aired some of the most vile, hateful commercials you’ll ever see in a political campaign, suggesting nothing short of grade-school teachers demonstrating sodomy to their students as part of the new “gay” curriculum.
We’re a fairly liberal state — at least, the Southern populated parts are (ironically, we also passed an initiative extending the use of medical marijuana by a fairly wide margin) — though the more rural areas are still filled with Impeach Obama bumper stickers and a backwards worldview. I’m not entirely sure, either, until an older generation of people begin to die off, how long it’s going to take us to get a law voted on in this country to legalize same-sex marriage. Frankly, it’s embarrassing, and I woke up this morning feeling a small sense of shame for a state that I’ve otherwise really grown to admire over the past year.
Anyway, I thought maybe the best way we could convince the equality deniers to finally come around to our own cause is through film. I don’t expect much in the way of sympathy or understanding, but maybe we can convince them that same-sex marriage is good for their own self interests.
And with that in mind, I encourage you to show these five films to those narrow-minded assholes who consistently vote against same-sex marriage, and I’ll explain why:
5. In and Out: Look, there’s nothing icky about homosexuality! Kevin Kline plays a gay man! And he’s married to Phoebe Cates! You remember her from Private School, right? The bare-chested lady on the horse? I thought so. And Kline also played the President of the United States in Dave, for God’s Sake (granted, a POTUS who liked show tunes). If a fictional president can be gay, it’s gotta be OK, right?
You know who else was gay in this movie? Tom freakin’ Selleck! Are you going to tell me that you’d want to keep Magnum P.I. from marrying the love of his life? And if same-sex marriages aren’t legalized, and homosexuality continues to be disparaged, people like Howard Brackett would have to go on living lives, marrying characters played by Joan Cusack, and attempting to use self-help tapes to rid themselves of the gay. Is that the kind of world you really want to live in? Besides, just think, if straight men were a little more open to homosexuality, maybe they could marry Phoebe Cates, too!
4. Kissing Jessica Stein: If the reason you’re voting against same-sex marriages in your state is because you’re jealous because same-sex couples have better relationships than you, then check out Kissing Jessica Stein. Just imagine, had you — backwards no-good, equality-denying asshole — helped to pass same-sex marriage, people like Jessica might have married Helen too soon, and then you could wallow in their marriage fail! Is your marriage suffering from sexual intimacy problems, too? Of course it is, you’re an asshole! Revel in some good old fashioned schaudenfreude! Let’s give those gays their chance to live lives as sexually unfulfilling as yours (only, they won’t be able to blame it on their tiny penis).
3. Bound: You want to deny these two lovely ladies a marriage license? Watch this NSFW clip, and just think about it. Think really, really hard about it. Listen to that tiny penis of yours.
You’re starting to come around now, aren’t you? Yeah. I thought so. If gay marriage means more of this, we all win, don’t we? And the terrorists lose!
2. Philadelphia: You’re a narrow-minded troglodytic hateful little buzzkill, so I doubt very much that the death of a gay man from AIDS is going to elicit much sympathy from you. You’d probably celebrate it. I know, I know: The opera music isn’t exactly helping, either — it ain’t exactly Toby Keith. But let’s look at it this way, OK. Say Tom Hanks wasn’t a wealthy lawyer. Say he was destitute — I suspect you probably think most gays are poor, anyway. In your mind, anal sex and poverty are inextricably linked. Now, if he was destitute but married to the Antonio Banderas character when he died, then guess what?! The gay feller who survived probably would’ve had to pick up his funeral expenses. Ha! Serves him right for being a butt pirate, amiright? But, since he wasn’t married to his partner, guess who has to pick up the tab now? That’s right, the taxpayers. You do, sir. Your hard-earned taxpaying dollars are going to help dispose of the body of a sodomite! Disgusting!
And think about this: If he had been married, maybe his husband might have had health insurance, which would’ve paid for all that treatment he received. Instead, the hospital will have to foot the bill, and the hospital is going to pass that cost along to you. And you wonder, every time you go to the ER after you “fall” on that G.I. Joe action figure and have to have it removed from your ass, why it cost $1500. Because you voted against same-sex marriage. See, you’re voting against your own self interests.
Think about that.
1. Brokeback Mountain: You like cowboys, right? Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Quiqley Down Under. Yee-haw! Well, Brokeback Mountain is the best Western you’ve never seen. It stars that straight fella who played the Joker and Donnie Darko himself. And the prairies are vast, and the cows are plentiful. The cinematography is gorgeous, too. You should give it a shot. Seriously. It’s the best damn cowboy movie since Big Jake. Oh, and get this: You get to see Anne Hathaway’s sweater monkeys, right there in the flesh, bouncing around like nobody’s business.
Where’s the shootin’, you ask? Oh, don’t worry about that. You just keep watching it — there’s this huge showdown with pistols and gunfire and an OK Corral around the three hour mark. You just have to keep watching it until then. And when your eyes start to well up, and you begin to feel something besides cold, ugly hate — you just push that feeling aside, sir. Repress it, like you do everything else in your spite-filled life. Oh, I know, it’s gonna make you wanna heave these huge big old sobs of agony, but you gotta get past that; remember, there’s the biggest shootout in the history of Westerns and a big old sunset waiting for you in the end. You just gotta stay detached, son. Don’t let any of that nasty old empathy creep into your system. It’s not like you and your sister can relate with a man whose love is forbidden, shunned by society, and shoved off into back alleyways and the backseat of your mom’s Chevy. You just keep watching and right after that Joker feller takes a big old whiff of that cowboy shirt (no no, don’t you cry; do. not. cry.) there’s gonna be fireworks the likes of which you ain’t never seen.
But if you can’t make it all the way to the shootout because your face is planted in your hands and you can’t see through all the tears and you’re wailing like a stuck pig, don’t worry about it. That doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human. And, for once, you might actually have something in common with gay people.