Game of Thrones is back for another season, and that means another ten weeks of people on the Internet freaking out about Jon Snart and Dragon Lady and Tyrion Lannibeard. Yeah, fine, whatever. They’re cool if you like inferior Game of Thrones characters. Character who aren’t Stannis. He is the best. JOIN ME.
Here’s the thing about Stannis Baratheon, aka “Stannis the Mannis, the Besteros in Westeros.” He is the epitome of that thing in The Office, where Michael and/or Dwight would do something stupid and someone else would look at the camera like “Can you believe this shit?,” except with more death and incest. Prince Joffrey is an incest baby. Can you believe this shit? Ned Stark behaves like an idiot and gets his damn head chopped off. Can you believe this shit? Tywin Lannister’s own damn son shot him on the toilet. Can you beliiieeeeeeve. This. Shit?
All the major players in Westeros are engaged in some heavy-duty political fuckery in King’s Landing, and Stannis is over to the side, quietly judging everyone else all like I GUESS I SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE ICE ZOMBIE/WILDLING SITUATION*, BECAUSE ALL OF YOU FUCKERS ARE TOO BUSY WITH YOUR DICK-MEASURING CONTEST TO E V E R D O S H I T.
A lot of Stannis fans will tell you that Stannis is great because he acts out of a selfless sense of duty—he doesn’t fight to be the King because he wants to be the King, but because he genuinely believes he already is the king (seeing as he is the younger brother of King Robert, who has no legitimate children because see: incest baby situation). This is false. Stannis wants to be the king. He could take himself out of the running and skip off to a dayspa with Melisandre any time he wanted, but the motherfucker has a stubbornness/pride situation, so he won’t.
(Also: He would be a shitty king. I love him, but he would.)
That doesn’t stop the fact that, of all the people trying to be the King in Westeros, he is the only one with any interest in the GIANT ARMY OF ICE ZOMBIES THREATENING TO KILL EVERYONE. Everyone else just wants that pointy throne. Stannis would actually like to have some citizens when he gets there, kthx.
Other reasons Stannis is the best:
*His two closest advisors are a lowborn ex-smuggler and a random foreign woman. And, OK, there’s the burning people alive thing (Yeah, Stannis has done some shitty stuff—he only put out a hit on his little brother, like, once—but this is Game of Thrones. Find me someone who hasn’t.**), but my point is that Stannis doesn’t care if you’re some rich, noble asshole. Fuck politics. He just cares if you get shit done.
*His daughter, Shireen, is probably the best-educated little girl in all of Westeros—being learned in subjects like history, geography, literature, and math—because being Stannis’ only child means she’s his heir, fuck people who say otherwise because of her gender. Like he’s going to let some pimply-ass rando rule after him just because he married into the family? Please.
*Side note: Shireen is a god-damned-dorable, and Stannis sticks up for her when his wife goes nutso. His “dafuq?” face after “I fear for our daughter’s soul” is a thing of understated beauty.
*Stephen Dillane, CHECK IT:
I expect you all to join me around the fire of Stannis’ glorious righteousness ([Spoiler for Season 5, Episode 1] on which there may be some dude burning, IDK IDK) during next Sunday’s episode. To the haters:
*My new band name.
*Sansa. There’s Sansa.
Rebecca can be found on Twitter complaining about how there’s no Stannis Funko Pop! figure. RENLY has one, and he’s been dead for SEASONS.