WARNING: SPOILERS THROUGH G.O.T. SEASON SIX PREMIERE
I was just rewatching the entire Game of Thrones library in preparation for the upcoming season six premiere and something hit me: People in relationships get fucking squashed in Westeros. I mean, everyone gets squashed one way or another, but people in love tend to tempt the reaper more than anyone else. Let’s just take a quick glance at some of the characters we’ve met over the seasons.
Cat Stark + Ned Stark. DEAD DEAD
Robb Stark + Talisa Stark. DEAD DEAD
Jon Snow + Ygritte the Wildling. DEAD DEAD
Jon Arryn + Lysa Arryn. DEAD DEAD
Robert Baratheon + Lyanna Stark. DEAD DEAD
Robert Baratheon + Cersei Lannister. DEAD ALIVE
Cersei Lannister + Jaime Lannister. ALIVE ALIVE
Tyrion Lannister + Shea. ALIVE DEAD
Tywin Lannister + Joanna Lannister. DEAD DEAD
Tywin Lannister + Shea. DEAD DEAD
Renly Baratheon + Loras Tyrell. DEAD ALIVE
Margaery Tyrell + Joffrey Baratheon. ALIVE DEAD
Margaery Tyrell + Tommen Baratheon. ALIVE ALIVE
Stannis Baratheon + Selyse Baratheon. DEAD DEAD
Oberyn Martell + Illiana Sand. DEAD ALIVE
Daenerys Targaryen + Khal Drogo. ALIVE DEAD
Daenerys Targaryen + Daario Naharis. ALIVE ALIVE
Daenerys Targaryen + Hizdahr zo Loraq. ALIVE DEAD
Sansa Stark + Joffrey Baratheon. ALIVE DEAD
Sansa Stark + Tyrion Lannister. ALIVE ALIVE
Sansa Stark + Ramsay Bolton. ALIVE ALIVE
Samwell Tarly + Gilly. ALIVE ALIVE
Trystane Martell + Myrcella Baratheon. ALIVE DEAD
Xaro Xhoan Daxos + Doreah. DEAD DEAD
Arya Stark. ALIVE
Bran Stark. ALIVE
Rickon Stark. NO IDEA
Ser Davos. ALIVE
Ser Jorah. ALIVE
Mance Rader. DEAD
Qhorin Halfhand. DEAD
Syrio Forel. HE SAID NOT TODAY BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER
Grand Maester Pycelle. ALIVE
Lancel Lannister. ALIVE
The High Sparrow. ALIVE
Wun Wun. ALIVE
Petyr Baelish. ALIVE.
The Spider. ALIVE
Barristan Selmy. DEAD, darnit.
Grey Worm. ALIVE
Princess Shireen. (I can’t even bear to type it.)
Doran Martel. ALIVE
The Hound. DEAD
The Mountain. ?ALIVE-ISH?
Brienne of Tarth. ALIVE (Fuck yeah!)
Podrick. ALIVE and ready to rock your fucking world.
Hot Pie. ALIVE
Jaqen H’Ghar. ALIVE? Sorta.
Berrick Dondarian. ALIVE, many times over.
Toros of Myr. ALIVE
Kevan Lannister. ALIVE
Walder Frey. I can’t wait for someone to kill you you old fuck.
Lord Commander Mormont. DEAD
Alliser Thorne. ALIVE
Benjen Stark. MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD
Balon Greyjoy. STILL A DICK, STILL ALIVE
Yara Greyjoy. ALIVE
Roose Bolton. ALIVE, the prick.
Based on this admittedly rough sampling, people in a relationship have a 64% of getting dead, whereas it’s only a 27% chance if you’re single. Tywin was fine until he started getting a little action in his son’s old bed with Shae. Ygritte was kicking ass north of the wall before Jon Snow spooned his pickle against her. Melisandre may sex it up, but she’s an unfettered spirit who just rides away from losing battles in search of her next victim. Ser Jorah has been trying to sniff Daenerys’ hair for five seasons and always had blueballs. He’s turning into a statue, but he’s still alive! Lysa Arryn was gleefully breastfeeding her fourteen year old without a care in the world until she had a chance at love…and her dreams flew out the moon door.
The moral of the story: If you want love in the Seven Kingdoms? Pay for it.
This uplifting message brought to you by George R.R. Martin.