I’ve spent a lot of time and mental energy on Game of Thrones and the end is sort of in sight for me, my mental well-being, and my liver. (All Game of Thrones recaps are sponsored by wine. It is known.) According to Sophie Turner that end is coming sometime in the distant future of 2019 so we’re going to look ahead to see what David Benioff and D.B Weiss can get me for next Christmas. Since they have a lot of time to get it together, it’s kind of a big gift. The good news for them is that my mother has trained me to write VERY specific wish lists for Christmas because it makes the holiday more relaxing for everyone. I’d even be willing to help them bring some of these gifts to fruition if they asked nicely. Here, in no particular order, are the things I would like to see in the next and last six episodes of Game of Thrones:
1. Jon and Daenerys Resolves Quickly: The last thing we saw was an ice dragon flying for Winterfell and since last season’s North of the Wall rescue showed us that dragon speed is roughly equal to One Entire Westeros Per Day, there’s no time for screwing around. Here’s your scene:
Jon: Bran just told me I’m a Targaryen! Rhaegar’s son!
Daenerys: But, but that means that YOU’RE the rightful king!
Jon: Dany, I swore that you were my queen. I’ve not changed, and that’s not changed.
Daenerys: I’m honored, and your queen needs you by her side as she leads the armies of Westeros against the White Walkers.
Jon: There’s nowhere else I’d want to be. Besides, I have a personal crisis of identity to deal with that’s going to span basically the rest of my life since therapy isn’t a thing here, and years of understanding yourself as the one sin of a man of perfect honor only to learn you were the loved and wanted child of a royal couple isn’t the kind of thing you get through overnight. Never mind the resurrection stuff. Or the incest stuff.
Daenerys: Yeah, I guess we should get you some chambers of your own, shouldn’t we? Good thing I can’t get pregnant!
Jorah: *distantly* Everything’s coming up Mormont!
Dany: Ew, no.
Boom, let’s get that boy on a dragon and defeat a zombie army.
2. Stark Sisters Doin’ It For Themselves: The timelines next season are likely to be as screwy as they were this past season, but if we’re holding ANY kind of chronological consistency the first couple episodes should be Dany’s forces heading to Winterfell to join with the Starks to try and hold off the first big attack. They’ll probably try and get them there in time for Jon to lead the Northern troops but come on, we’ve got two women in Winterfell who are more than capable of rallying their troops and they have a brother who can see EVERYTHING. Bran plans the attack, Sansa rides out with the main cavalry with her lords and Lady Mormont, and Arya takes a detachment through the woods to flank the enemy. Besides, wouldn’t there be a gorgeous symmetry to watching Sansa hold the line against what seems like hopeless odds until Jon swoops in on Rhaegal to save them? She wouldn’t be in the thick of it the way he was, but it would bring their story back around in a satisfying way. Oh, and neither of them die. They live to rule whatever becomes the North; the Queen and her Executioner.
3. Jaime Dies Killing Cersei: I have nothing against Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, he seems like good people, but as a character Jaime is far past the point of true redemption or usefulness except as a fulfillment of the prophecy regarding Cersei’s death. I look forward to seeing a mortally wounded Jaime crawling through the ashes of King’s Landing towards Cersei as her Zombie Mountain lies truly dead next to her and Qyburn is impaled on the wall or in several pieces some shit, I don’t care how that creepy fucker dies but it should be messy and painful, and as she tries to win his affection one last time to be saved, he wraps his hands around her neck and chokes the life from her with his last bit of strength. Her first, just the way they came into the world.
4. No One Ever Mentions Euron Again: The fate of Westeros and probably the entire world is on the line and I swear to god if we spend any screen time watching Theon chase after his asshole uncle I will… continue to recap the show but much more angrily. The only reference we need to this mission is Euron’s fleet arriving at a crucial moment to sinking looks all around until Yara strides to the prow of the ship and commands the fleet to assist Dany’s forces. Euron’s head can be mounted on the mast, but no one should actually bother saying his name. Theon can be there too.
5. Tyrion Gets a Decent Plotline: Tyrion has been seriously sidelined by the attempt to get Dany and Jon together, and it’s disappointing. I do think it’s realistic for him to not be a great war commander, in the Battle of the Blackwater he was defending a fixed position in an extremely naturally advantageous area, not coordinating offensive strategies. But, he also reads like a motherfucker and we’re coming up on a lot of stuff that no one’s heard about except dead people who wrote boring books. Tyrion should be heading up the brain trust with Bran and Sam to get the research done that the commanders will need to survive this final confrontation. Bran would be able to accomplish this on his own if he was able to communicate with humans anymore, but him needing someone to translate for him and guide his visions (like Sam did last season to get him to see the truth of Jon’s birth) opens up a very natural slot for Tyrion.
6. No One Gets Raped: Come on, folks, we’ve got an ice dragon, an army of zombies, a succession crisis, and oncoming environmental devastation to handle. That’s enough. Let it be enough.
7. Dany’s Badass Fur Coat: Just give it to me and I’m willing to negotiate on some of these points.
Sure I have some other preferences about who should live or die, but I know that going into this endgame we’re going to lose some big names. As long as the story feel exciting and satisfying, I’ll be happy. And I feel like if we follow this outline, we’re well on our way there! Good talk, guys, and I look forward to what’s under my tree next Christmas. And, if you can’t manage this, I’ll get an Amazon wish list together but I won’t be happy about it.