Yo bitches, we’re being replaced! (All of this has happened before…) It’s not enough that this is Game of Thrones’ finale week, and we’re busily trying to feed everyone’s obsessions with our own thoughts and analyses; now the AIs want in on the Game. And you know what we say to AIs? Not today! (Actually, it’s more like “Fuck you.”) But they’re here, and until we figure out how to exploit all their weaknesses, it’s our mission to point out the weaknesses in how they use the data they collect, especially when it comes to Game of Thrones, because that’s our goddamned domain. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MACHINES IN THE FIELD OF THOUGHTFUL
COMPLAINING CRITICISM, BECAUSE THE FUCKING TOASTERS CAN’T THINK LIKE US. (Can they? Please tell me they can’t.)
A couple of PhD students (forgive them, for they know not what they do) over at MIT have been training some artificially intelligent box of parts a “deep learning technique,” whereby that box catches onto patterns, and then that box spits out those patterns in the form of a list (oh, BFD), and now that box “thinks” it has the lowdown on Game of Thrones’ most memorable characters, but I’m about to rip that theory to shit. As to the box’s methodology, here’s what happens:
Step 1: Feed the box a metric shit ton of photos.
Step 2: BASED ON PREVIOUS HUMAN PARTICIPATION, the box assigns each photo a score according to the photo’s number of memorable features. So basically, the box is scanning photos and using compiled human data to add up the number of features, then it totals that number. Not terribly impressive, box.
Step 3: Spit out a list.
Here’s the box’s data on the top twelve Game of Thrones characters, purportedly the most memorable, with my pertinent comments added.
12. Joffrey Baratheon (Bullshit!)
11. Tyrion Lannister (Bullshit! You’re out of order!)
10. Gregor Clegane (Bullshit!)
9/8. Ned Stark and Jon Snow tie (NO FUCKING WAY)
7. Sansa Stark (Maybe, but I doubt it.)
6/5/4. Cersei Lannister, Jaime Lannister, Bronn (Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit!)
3. Tywin Lannister (Utter Bullshit!)
2. Margaery Tyrell (Bullshit!)
1. Daenerys Targaryan (Bullshit! Dragon riding is cool, I’ll give you that.)
Now, here’s the real list, compiled by me, and based on my vast comment reading (and a general inability to agree with anyone, least of all a box).
12/13. That White Walker Sam killed in “Second Sons,” and The Hound (Undeniable!)
11. Margaery Tyrell and Olenna Tyrell (Go ahead, try to argue!)
10. Jaqen H’ghar and Syrio Forel (Yeah, take that!)
8/9. Jaime Lannister and Jorah Mormont (Kings of Forlorn!)
7. Cersei Lannister (You know it!)
6. Daenerys Targaryen (***Spoiler! Dragon rider!)
5. Ramsay Bolton (OMFG!)
4. Brienne of Tarth (Roar!)
3. Arya Stark (That’s right!)
2. Tyrion Lannister (Almost #1)
1. Oberyn Martell (Undeniable Champion!)
I think we can all agree, clearly my list is much more correct than that box’s. (Can I get a “So say we all?”) Oh, and in case anyone was wondering just why MIT is trying to teach boxes to sort us by our memorable features (sure to be used against us at a later time), it’s all part of a plan for us to digitally alter our photos so we can be more memorable/desirable to each other (for dating or employment appeal), and/or less memorable or more forgettable (so background actors won’t distract audiences from the lead).